Pages

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

FS19

TITLE: Child of the Fallen
GENRE: urban fantasy

"I was twenty-eight the night I was made."

18 comments:

  1. Maybe.

    I'm somewhat, not totally, intrigued.

    ReplyDelete
  2. This makes me think of vampires, which is normally enough for me to put the book down if I don't know the author. However, I'd read a few pages to see if it ended up being something else.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I agree with Scott, too. It's intriguing, but not so much I'd immediately have to read on.

    ReplyDelete
  4. No, I wouldn't keep reading... Sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Not exciting enough. Seems to need just a little something more, like:
    "I was twenty-eight and dying the night I was made."
    or
    "I was twenty-eight and a virgin the night I was made."
    Just my ideas.....

    ReplyDelete
  6. Too generic for the genre. Neither does starting with exposition.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Sounds like a possible vampire novel, which I happen to love. As long as they are original and tell a very compelling story. I would read on to find out.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I think this was too vague to draw me in. As I'm reading all of these first sentences, I now realize how important it is to have something tangible in the first sentence - something for the reader to hang on to as they go forward. Too much mystery is off-putting, rather than compelling. (For me, of course. Mileage may vary for other.) Good luck with your book.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Is this actual dialogue? For some reason it sounds more like narrative to me, but could be just how I'm reading it.

    I'm undecided--I at first thought something with cyborgs or clockwork (my current fascinations) instead of vampires, although vampires makes sense in that context. Sooo... if you could clarify WHAT the speaker was made into, I think I'd be more hooked. O:)

    Good luck,

    ~Merc

    ReplyDelete
  10. Yeah, the quotation marks confused me. Is this really dialogue or simply exposition? Also, the idea that the character "was made" seems very cliche, especially in the context of urban fantasy. As a writer of urban fantasy myself, I full realize that oftentimes there are characters created by nontraditional means, but describing it this way seems too generic.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Not bad, but a little on the vague side as other have said. I think I'd need more context to know whether I'd keep reading.

    ReplyDelete
  12. The fact that #19 and #20 are so similar says they're both been done before. Not a hook for me.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Not quite doing it for me . . . I had to re-read it because it wasn't quite what I expected. I thought I'd read "I was twenty-eight the night I was born."

    Not that this sentence would have made anymore sense to me . . . but the paradox of it would have intrigued me a bit more.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Sorry, I'd pass. "made" can mean too many things, which makes "the night I was made" complete superfluous. All you've conveyed to the reader is that the MC is 28. Also, you're showing quotation marks, which might mean that it's dialogue, but you don't tell us who said it, passing up an opportunity to give the reader some information.

    Fred

    ReplyDelete