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Wednesday, April 1, 2009

FS23

TITLE: Swept Up!
GENRE: Middle Grade Realistic Fantasy



Some kids think our teacher, Mrs. Kramer, was in on it.

23 comments:

  1. It doesn't capture me personally, but for a middle grade it'd probably be okay.

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  2. Like it. Kids will immediately want to know what "it" is.

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  3. I'd read on. Short, to the point, yet establishes the age group right away and leaves me wanting to know what the teacher was in on.

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  4. I think it's a great hook for middle grade. Nice work!

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  5. Great for the age group. Good stuff.

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  6. This is a good hook for a story about a classroom incident. I'd read further to see what it's going to be about, since it's labeled fantasy.

    You're saying the kids think (in present) that Mrs. K was (in past) part of whatever happened relating to the problem about swept up. MC and classmates are now looking back on the experience, so I assume most of the story will be a flashback.

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  7. Very nice! I totally want to know what "it" was!

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  8. Cute, but what is "realistic fantasy"?

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  9. Great Job!! Love the hook!

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  10. I would read on. I want to know what the teacher was in on.

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  11. To Jeanne Ryan: I'm not sure of the correct term for this genre. But this story is contemporary, realistic fiction with a touch of fantasy. I guess like "urban fantasy" but without the dark element. Hope that clears it up for you. If anyone has a better genre label, I'd appreciate hearing about it here in the comments.. Thanks from the author!

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  12. I think I'd just leave it as MG Fantasy (but I'm not really sure). I like the sentence but feel as though it could be a lot better...just not sure how. Whether it's the 'some kids' part or the 'Mrs. Kramer' part...I love the last part so it's definitely one of the above...

    Some kids think our teacher was in on it.

    Some of us think our teacher, Mrs. Kramer, was in on it.

    I'm not exactly sure where you're going with this in order to figure this out...whether 'they thought their teacher, Mrs. Kramer, was in on it' would work. I could do this all day, but don't have enough information to go on.

    I'd definitely read on...and care enough to struggle to think of how to improve it...good first line, definitely hooked

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  13. Good start for the story!

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  14. Maybe it's just me, but "think" and "was" don't sound right. The tense feels off.

    Some kids think our teacher, Mrs. Kramer, is in on it.

    Some kids thought our teacher, Mrs. Kramer, was in on it.

    Not sure, but something just felt too off for me to full get into it. I like the idea of it, though!

    Good luck,

    ~Merc

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  15. Love this one. I want to know what Mrs. Kramer was in on. I like the conspiratorial tone.

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  16. So many places this could go, I'm definitely curious to see what "it" is.

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  17. You could really punch this if you leave the teacher's name for the second or third sentence.

    But I'm hooked. :)

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  18. I agree with puzzlehouse - I'd leave the name for the next sentence.

    As a teacher, it made me smile, and I'd read on :)

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  19. It's a good sentence, but to me it doesn't sound like a lead sentence. It needs a tiny bit of something before it (or even a prologue). But I'd keep reading.

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  20. I like it. I think middle graders will to. If I were to make a change, I'd change 'it' to something else (the plan, the hoax, the conspiracy). Just because in on it is a little difficult to read w/ so many short little words. But I'm only on my first cup of caffeine.

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  21. Sorry, but I'd pass. The different tense throws me to start with. I assume it's first person present tense, because, if it's first person past, then it would be "Some kids thought.."

    You pass up the opportunity to tell the reader what the MC thinks of the kids who think it "Some smart kids thought" or the opposite. (might as well let the reader know right away how the MC feels, no sense waiting.) And the "it" seems too ambiguous. No reason not to give it some shape "..was in on the prank."

    Fred

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