I like the twist of "hope" where I was expecting "hopeless." I'd read on, but the sentence needs refining...maybe it's the passive voice? or the verb "felt?"
I agree the title is way too common and over-used. I'm not really hooked--while I'm mildly curious about the hope, it feels a bit passive for some reason here.
Hmmm...this is one that doesn't hook me, but it doesn't stop me either.
My only question is...are there different senses of hope, and this is the first time in centuries he's sensed this one? If so, make sure you give us a simple explanation really quickly!
I like it. But then, I generally enjoy vampire stories (whih I'm guessing this one is). I also liked "sense of hope" because it allows for only the possibility of hope, not the actual feeling itself. That, to me, captures well how far from optimism the character is.
Sorry, I'd pass. I'd almost rather be given the hopeless state he was in to open the sentence and then be told he had just been given a sense of hope. "Daniel had been wretched and hopeless for so many centuries, he wondered if this hope wasn't some cruel hoax." Or, you get what I mean.
Hmm..I might read on..makes me wonder...
ReplyDeleteFix the passive and generic "hadn't felt" and I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteIf I were a Twilight reader, I think I'd be hooked.
ReplyDeleteInteresting. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely intrigued and would read on. But felt like there was something a little off about the sentence. Sorry, can't put my finger on exactly what.
ReplyDeleteI like the sentence. Intruiging. But for the title, "Fallen" is - to me - cliched and overused already.
ReplyDeleteI would read on.
ReplyDeleteProbably needs a fresher title and a more aggressive sentence but I like the concept and the emotion of Daniel.
ReplyDeleteI like the twist of "hope" where I was expecting "hopeless." I'd read on, but the sentence needs refining...maybe it's the passive voice? or the verb "felt?"
ReplyDeleteI agree the title is way too common and over-used. I'm not really hooked--while I'm mildly curious about the hope, it feels a bit passive for some reason here.
ReplyDeleteI'd give it a few more lines, maybe.
Good luck,
~Merc
Hooked. Especially because I just know you're going to take the hope away sooner or later. And make him claw his way back to it.
ReplyDeletePerhaps "hopeful" instead of "sense of hope."
ReplyDeleteReading on, that's for sure. I want to know about this Daniel and why he's hopeful.
ReplyDeleteHmmm...this is one that doesn't hook me, but it doesn't stop me either.
ReplyDeleteMy only question is...are there different senses of hope, and this is the first time in centuries he's sensed this one? If so, make sure you give us a simple explanation really quickly!
I like it. But then, I generally enjoy vampire stories (whih I'm guessing this one is). I also liked "sense of hope" because it allows for only the possibility of hope, not the actual feeling itself. That, to me, captures well how far from optimism the character is.
ReplyDeleteI liked the immortal twist.... and the sense of ennui
ReplyDeleteI'd read on
Too generic for me. My first thought is vampires, and I'd need something really fresh before reading more.
ReplyDeleteSorry, I'd pass. I'd almost rather be given the hopeless state he was in to open the sentence and then be told he had just been given a sense of hope. "Daniel had been wretched and hopeless for so many centuries, he wondered if this hope wasn't some cruel hoax." Or, you get what I mean.
ReplyDeleteFred