TITLE: A MURDER OF CROWS
GENRE: Fantasy
The closing of another season was upon them.
It was the death of summer…what the People called the Mother’s Dance. A time of cold, blustery days and the occasional coastal storm, heralds of the coming Dance of the Crone: winter. One such behemoth had roared through the prosperous town of Sisafer the night before Festival, leaving in its wake a tangle of twisted trees and smashed fishing boats. Nets were found strewn across neighbors’ rooftops, livestock had to be searched out from the scrubby inland cliffs and caves. What should have been a day of preparation for the coming festivities was spent instead in repairs, cleaning, and the whispered suggestions of omens.
Out on the storm-littered beach, a strange bit of flotsam bobbed gently against the outgoing tide. Cold currents swirled and nudged, tucking the limp body into the boulders as neatly as a doting parent before retreating for deeper ocean. A scavenger crab, questing for tidbits, investigated closer. There was no resistance from the still form, yet something made the tiny creature scuttle away as if stung.
***
A day later, the currents were still fierce. They swirled over the jagged rocks and sucked at the bare legs of the two walkers as if determined to wrest them by force into the tidal pools. Even the sky seemed certain that the Goddess’ anger had yet to abate with the rain and winds; it settled instead into a lowering brood.
‘Foul time for a stroll,’ one of the walkers complained. The gusting breezes muffled his normally jolly baritone. ‘Wouldn’t you rather be inside with a hot cup of passo?’
Miss Snark's First Victim
Oooo, a dark and moody fantasy full of storms and sea! My kind of story.
ReplyDeleteI believe you have a grammar mistake after rooftops. There should be a semicolon or a comma and an "and." I like semicolon because the two phrases are so closely linked.
One other thing- the word behemoth stuck out a bit, as if you were trying to use a big word. I had to think back a minute to see what it described- winter? crones? oh, storms.
And the use of "walkers" instead of two men or whatever they are- well, that's just it- is it a mystery? It held me off a bit- you might want to pull the reader in there. Let us see these people because its about time for some immediacy.
But those are easily fixable,as for the writing itself, the flow, the feel, the mood, that was all great.
I don't know if I'm hooked, but I'd read a little more to get a better feel of what's going on.
ReplyDeleteThe writing is very good and the promise of mystery certainly appeals to me as a reader, there's just something missing from the opening that has me iffy on it. I don't have a sense of character yet and that bothers me a little. I need to feel part of what's going on, not just set up for what is going to happen later.
This has a great title, but for that reason, it's been used many times before. Just something to consider, if you want your book to stand out.
ReplyDeleteGreat beginning. The mysterious object is a good hook, and the seasonal setting is established nicely. I agree that the word behemoth is a bit jarring. Words like that can be useful, but they need to be used sparingly, at just the right moment. Also, more of an observation than a problem - there are no clear main characters thus far. It's only the first page, so no big deal, but my impression is that it creates a broad scope rather than an immediately personal one. I would definitely want to read more.
Good imagery here. I like it :-)
ReplyDeleteHowever, I would start the story after the asterisks and make descriptions a part of the walkers (which also sounds a bit odd) dialog.
Other than that, there are already two different books and a movie out there titled (A) Murder of Crows. I'd think about a different working title. People will have a tendency to identify your story with those.
I'd keep reading for a bit. Not sure I'm hooked hard enough to commit further than that, but I'm intrigued.
ReplyDeleteUnlike some of the others, I really liked the first three paragraphs. But like other people, unless it's for a specific reason, get rid of "walkers", it just reads oddly.
I really liked the first three paragraphs as well. Truthfully, if I was reading the whole novel I would skip through paragraphs 4 and 5 because obviously they are going to find the mystery item and that is what I am really interested in.
ReplyDeleteLovely writing - I would keep reading.
I wanted to keep reading. I love that even a crab won't touch the thing in the water--that speaks volumes.
ReplyDeleteI don't read fantasy but I thought this was interesting and I'm hooked.
Stating the closing of another season is upon them, and then adding that it was the death of summer is repetitive and unnecessary.
ReplyDeleteNone of this really caught me. Not hooked.
I like the set up in this first scene. The perfect set up for a fantasy setting.
ReplyDeleteI think that you can get rid of the first sentence, because the next one is FANTASTIC. "It was the death of summer..." Great.
Another great hooking sentence:
"Even the sky seemed certain that the Goddess' anger had yet to abate with the rain and winds..."
Built tension well.
Your writing is tight so I would read on, however I need a little bit more going on in this first part to really hook me.
Thanks, everyone!
ReplyDeleteNo worries: the title is merely a working first run. I have plenty of other ideas waiting in the wings.
I think the comments concerning the "walkers" are on target. As this book has been finished for some time (onto Book II), I've not truly "looked" at the beginning in a very long while. That's why these critiques are so important to me; I love seeing the story from a fresh perspective.
Not that any of us want to rewrite at this point of a finished manuscript, but I do worry that I get so many compliments on my style and voice, but so little interest in the opening page. *sigh*
Thanks again!
Conflicted.... I like the details and description you start off with, but sense that it might give your novel an unwanted 'literary feel'.
ReplyDeleteI hate the thought that fantasy cannot be literary and want to squelch the notion. I enjoyed your language, loved the fact that the crab won't touch this thing, but would like to be in the head of someone earlier. Maybe zoom in on the Eastern seacoast, the storm, the thing, then a terrified person wrapped in their sheets that night. Note, they're not asleep! Have them agree to face their fear and go for a walk in the morning. I don't know if that will work for you, but it's a thought. I'd definately keep reading, but I'd want to get to that pov faster.
ReplyDeleteGreat opening (although I'd cut 'it was' and start with The death of summer . . . .) Great setting of mood and tone. The crab is an excellent touch.
ReplyDeleteBut then we get to the asterisks and I expect to get involved in the story, but what I get is another descriptive section like the first and a bit of dialogue from an unnamed character that doesn't convey anything new.
That may be why there isn't any interest in your opening page. People expect things to happen. It's not enough to write well.
Who is this story about?
What is it about?
At least one of those questions should be answered, I think.
But having said that, sometimes you do need more than a page.
It's good, but it doesn't grab me. I'd give it a bit longer, but I'm not hooked.
Megs, Victoria (and everyone else who has commented on the specific issue of POV & literary feel of the submission)
ReplyDeleteFirst off: THANK YOU! I love you all for being so constructive and kind.
Would you believe that this novel is actually written first-person POV? Surprised? *scuffs foot* Yeah, I know. Unfortunately, the submission is the preface, which does break into a third-person POV a sentence after the cutt-off, but how are you, Dear Reader, to know that?
Looks like I have some rethinking ahead of me on this opening. *Sigh*
Thank you again! ~Rook (who has yet to register a proper log-in here)
This doesn't hook me in the current form. There are a lot of things going on in that first large paragraph; it sort of got me confused. Also, the idea of livestock in a cave struck me as odd, though I suppose it's reasonable :). The following paragraph with the crab is better.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this and want to know what the object will be ( and will the walkers find it).
ReplyDeleteI felt the first paragraph set the scene very neatly and you have a very graceful style, which I enjoyed.
I disagree with the comment about a semi colon being needed in the description of the damage to the town. I feel 'and' instead of the comma is all you need there.
The first bit is lovely. It drew me right in. Even the first paragraph in the second bit had me, but the dialogue and strolling walkers tossed me out. The tone didn't match up for me. I got the feeling of Law and Order where the innocent people find the body and then the main characters come on to take care of things. The crime drama feel didn't jive with the lovely literary tone.
ReplyDeleteSomeone earlier on had a great suggestion about the main character being involved with this beach find.
I'm still hooked, though. I'd read on to see if you picked back up with the literary style.
I'm not hooked by this one, although the writing is good.
ReplyDeleteMy major problem is that in the first 250 words of the novel, all you've given me is exposition. I don't have a character to identify, nor very much of a setting--at least, an intriguing setting.
And to top it all off, you start with what has to be one of the most anticlimactic first lines ever. Just as a note, A MURDER OF CROWS is a very similar title to George R. R. Martin's novel, A FEAST FOR CROWS, and that threw me too.