TITLE: Heirchild
GENRE: Fantasy
The sicknesses started the day after he left.
Taira supposed that there were plenty of reasonable explanations for being ill -- the bitter cold raging outside, her restless sleep the previous night, the anxieties that had been building ever since Laishek decided to leave. The loneliness, most of all. But the obvious explanation, the one she should have thought of immediately, was the one thing she could not consider.
She was forced to confront it when her mother bustled into her home for a visit, listened to her complaints, and gave her pronouncement without a moment’s hesitation. "A child. You're bearing Laishek's heirchild."
Taira's already-unsettled belly seemed to writhe inside of her. She sank into her chair. "Are you – are you quite sure?"
Nara laughed. "I've been a matril half my life, not to mention carried eight of my own children. I know the signs. Aches and pains, no appetite, missed your time the last three months. You’re already starting to grow, even. Yes, I'm quite sure. Why so surprised?" She stoked the fire, sending up a spray of sparks, and muttered the curse against the demons. The flickering yellow light softened the lines in her face but contrasted all the more against her sleek dark hair. “You’re not a child. You know how babies come to be; I've taught you better than that."
"Yes, of course I know," Taira said in high embarrassment. "It's not that. It's just a terrible mess. The very day after he left!"
"It's bad fortune, that's true."
"Demon-spawned," Taira retorted.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I had to go back and read the first sentence (and the paragraph after) again after she found out she was pregnant. I think it was "sicknesses" that confused me (I got the impression that it was a plague or something, not just Taira).
ReplyDeleteThe dialogue is great! I immediately got an impression of both Taira and her mother.
There was one main thing that sounded a little off to me - "Taira said in high embarrassment." Not really sure why ... but there it is.
Anyways, sounds good!
I wasn't hooked.
ReplyDeleteSickness didn't seem specific enough. Pregnant wasn't where I thought it was going.
I was interested through most of this and got hooked with the last line. It makes Taira a much more interesting character and left me wondering who is Laishek. Nicely done!
ReplyDeleteI think I'd keep reading. Maybe it's just me, but I said pregnancy by the start of the second line, so 'sickness' didn't bother me. There are little things here and there that came across as wordy and could be tightened, but overall I liked it.
ReplyDeleteI liked the opening and I liked the characters. I would definitely read more.
ReplyDeleteI thought "sicknesses" was implying a plague spreading, but it's not bad to have me guessing because you deal with it the next sentence. I would say "sickness" instead of the plural, though. The plural is awkward and "morning sickness" is singular anyway so it wouldn't look wrong.
I was also stunned that her morning sickness started three months in. Mine started four weeks in, and that seems to be the norm for those who get it (I googled it).
I would get rid of that "that" in the second sentence. You don't need it.
I'm surprised the mother was so easygoing about the pregnancy, but maybe that's the norm in this fantasy world.
I think the "symptoms" fits better than "sicknesses".
ReplyDeleteI don't read fantasy but everytime I read heirchild, I think "childchild". I guess b/c an heir is often your child. But that's just me.
I think you could lose the explanation point after "The very day he left!" She sounds sad to me and confused but not excited.
Since the first line ended with the pronoun "he" I was expecting a male character, so that threw me and I had to read it again. I feel like by the end of the passage I know more about Nara than I do Taira. All I know about Taira is that she's pregnant and in denial about it. Also you say she's carrying Laishek's child, I'm assuming that he is the one who left in the first line but I'm not sure. I wasn't sure if the ambiguity was intentional or not. I'm not really hooked. The last line is interesting and I would probably read a few more pages.
ReplyDeleteThe title was interest-getting, but the first sentence put me off slightly. The day after who left? That's what I want to know. Change that, and it'd be better.
ReplyDeleteThe whole thing was good, nothing was badly written, but the jarring question over who left soured it. And why doesn't Taira sound at all surprised when she says her child is demon-spawned? Work in an explanation for these things without an infodump, and it could be better. As it is, not hooked.
A few things I would like to comment here:
ReplyDeleteFirst: Interesting beginning with the unknown sickness.
Second: Great dialogue!
Third: Your characters already have life the second we meet them.
Fourth: Hooked.
Not my thing, but definitely nice job here<:
ReplyDeleteGreat writing and imagery. The one question I have and one reason that I am not completely hooked is this -- Why should I care about this unplanned pregnancy? Is there something about Laishek that makes this out of the ordinary? Get a touch of that into the opening and I'd be hooked.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I too suspected pregnancy right away- but I've had kids so it clicked.
ReplyDeleteHad no problem with the first line- sickness after a guy left- pregnancy- popped right into my mind.
I really liked Nara. And I also wondered why Taira was embaressed when her mother seemed so ok with it.
I would tighten some of the writing.
example- restless sleep the previous night- do we need previous night- is that important? I would think she's had several bad nights sleep in her situation.
But I'd keep reading. I love fantasy.
"Sicknesses" is too vague. How about "vomiting"?
ReplyDeleteI also expected the main character to be male. How about "The vomiting started the day after." Later on, she makes it clear by saying, "The very day after he left."
The "Demon-spawned" would make me keep reading.
Mark in the Seattle area
I'd have to agree, sickness made me think plague. Maybe a specific ailment would help. I confess what disturbed me most of all was the fact that having a baby was considered "a terrible mess". I know it is considered that by some. At one point in my life, I would have felt that way. Now, it's an almost impossible desirability, which makes hearing/reading this sort of thing that much more painful. I realize most of your readership won't have reason to see it that way, though, but I can't say I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteHooked. I'd read more. You've given me a story that's actually happening. I have a girl with a problem, who's in a dilemma because of it. The writing's pretty clean and to the point. You might want to cut the "inside of her" in the belly sentence, because where else is her belly? And 'high' embarrassment stood out as strange, but other than that, it worked very well, I thought. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI think the writing is very good. It pulled me right in. "Demon-spawned" seemed completely out of context, though. It didn't seem to be the logical response to, "It's bad fortune". If Taira had whispered, "I believe it to be Demon-spawned", you would have had me hook, line, and sinker.
ReplyDeleteBut I'd still read on to see what comes next.
I am partially hooked with this one. Taira herself isn't that compelling, but I like her mother and the general idea of a society that doesn't view (what seems like out-of-wedlock) pregnancy as a sin.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on to see how you further handled that, but not so much because Taira is drawing me in.
I was hooked. My only comment was one that others have mentioned - the fact that 'sicknesses' is plural made me think that a number of people were sick. Then when we find out she's pregnant, it seems odd that her symptoms would only start three months into her pregnancy. Someone else suggested replacing 'sicknesses' with 'vomiting' or a specific symptom. I think that's a good idea. It seems more feasible that one of her symptoms came on three months in, rather than all of them (at least I think so - I've never had kids so I may be wrong!)
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comments, everyone! I'm more aware now of what I need to emphasize in the first page, to clear up misconceptions and confusions. The baby isn't unwanted by any means; Taira's just worried because her husband (yes, she and Laishek are married) had to leave unexpectedly and she doesn't know when he'll be back. I have lots of things to consider as I revise. :)
ReplyDelete