TITLE: Turtle Shell
GENRE: Young Adult
The protagonist and her two friends Andrew and Chase are playing basketball when three "losers" challenge them. The head loser or neanderthal, slams the protagonist with the basketball knocking the wind out of her. The scene begins when Andrew reacts:
I heard a roar at the side of the court. Andrew charged the Neanderthal with everything he’d ever bottled inside. I’d never seen so much hate, more hate than it had taken the head Neanderthal to pummel me with the basketball. It scared me; it scared Chase too, because he leaped like a frog, like a real frog. But he didn’t leap for the Neanderthal. He leaped at Andrew and he knocked him off balance just enough that the losers took off. After they were a block away, they turned back to laugh at the commotion of emotion, anger and disloyalty bouncing between the three of us. Andrew started running after them. He caught up and started punching the head Neanderthal. Chase hadn’t expected that, so Andrew was all alone when the three guys jumped him simultaneously. And there I was, still on the ground, still dazed, shouting bar words because I didn’t have another weapon.
The worst part was the women who had to save Andrew--three of them out on a power walk with walking sticks. They wielded them like swords and swatted the boys off Andrew’s back. Spit flying, arms still swinging, grabbing at their shirts, the three of them backed away. Andrew sat in a daze, overwhelmed with humiliation that three middle-aged women had just saved him.
He didn’t even walk back to the court. Chase and I were left to share the discomfort.
Miss Snark's First Victim
The clarity of the scene is good: I have a clear picture in my mind of what's going on. But there's not very much urgency to it--this might have to do with the protagonist being "dazed," but then you claim she's shouting "bar words" which doesn't quite match.
ReplyDeleteI liked the "leaped like a frog, like a real frog." Had good voice to it.
Really, there's too much telling here. If you want to emphasize the "daze" of the MC, then have her much less aware of what's going on around her. If not, then I think it would help to go into more description of the fight. Any blood? What does the fight sound like? Are there any other things happening around them that might distract her attention?
Nitpicky thing: "Andrew *started* running... he caught up and *started* punching..."
Repetition took me out of the story.
:)
I liked this. I felt for these people. A few picky things. "But he didn't leap for the Neanderthal. He leaped at Andrew.." that sounds intentional. I assume it was an accident because why would he leap at his friend.
ReplyDeleteIf that's the case, then maybe it could read "He leaped for the Neanderthal but landed on Andrew."
This is really picky but I think it would be good to insert a paragraph break after "losers took off" Provide a mental pacing before they are a block away.
Also "bar words" is that supposed to be bad words or do you mean things one might say in a bar?
I loved the bit about the middle aged woman saving him. I mean love/ hated it- i was cringing for him.
You describe the scene clearly and I thought this was a good example of "over-the-top emotion". I suspect that Andrew has a thing for the protagonist, and if that's the case, I think this is a great way to show that.
ReplyDeleteThere are some technical problems here that held me back from really getting involved with the scene. Mainly, you've got some POV issues. Because you're writing in first person, you're limited to describing things that only the protagonist could know. That means that your frequent slips into detailing the thoughts/feelings of other characters is a problem.
Examples:
Andrew charged the Neanderthal with everything he’d ever bottled inside.it scared Chase too, because he leaped like a frog, like a real frog.After they were a block away, they turned back to laugh at the commotion of emotion, anger and disloyalty bouncing between the three of us.Chase hadn’t expected thatAndrew sat in a daze, overwhelmed with humiliation that three middle-aged women had just saved him.In all the above sentences, your protagonist says things she couldn't possibly know. How does she know how Chase feels, or what he expects? How does she know what the losers were laughing at? And though it's easy to guess that Andrew would feel humiliated by his rescue, she can't say that with authority.
To me, that's the biggest issue with this piece. I suspect, given the frequency of POV slips here, that this is likely an issue in the rest of your novel. I'd suggest either going through the story and weeding these out, or consider switching to a third-person omniscient POV.
Another thing that stood out was the use of the term "bar words". I've never heard that before and while I understood what it meant, it struck me as odd. Who talks like that? Because this is YA, I assume the protagonist is a teenager who probably hasn't spent much time in bars. I'm not sure she would equate cursing with "bar words" (or that I would, as a 30-year-old, for that matter).
I think you've got something here and that once you work on some of the craft issues, it'll be great.
I think this is good but needs some tightening. You don't need to repeat the frog thing. Commotion of emotion doesn't sound right--maybe because it rhymes. Overall, I think you should pare down the description because it's an action scene and should read quicker to up the tension.
ReplyDeleteYou do paint a clear scene. There are a couple of things that bothered me as I read it. The second sentence: Andrew charged the Neanderthal with everything he'd ever bottled inside. I think the reader knows what you're saying, but it could be misinterpreted. Here's an example: Every controlled (hidden? subdued?) emotion Andrew had pent up inside him came rushing out as he ran toward the Neanderthal. Something like that.
ReplyDeleteAlso, the first paragraph seems to run on for some time. I think you could break it up into at least two.
I especially enjoyed the idea of the middle-aged women attacking the bad guys, but I would like a bit more description of their appearance or their actions or vocalizations. I'm sure they're saying something during this ruckus.
And perhaps a bit more emotion from the POV character. What's she thinking? What's she feeling?
Dear Commentors,
ReplyDeleteEverything you have noticed or suggested has been extremely helpful. Thanks,
pat
I get a strong sense of the protagonist in this, but not her emotions.
ReplyDeleteIt feels like she is still dazed. And I think the over-whelming emotions would work better if teh reader could feel more tension and urgency.
Some of the sentences in that long paragraph actually slow the tension down, because they are long. For example, you build up some tension with this string of shorter sentences:
"It scared me; it scared Chase too, because he leaped like a frog, like a real frog. But he didn’t leap for the Neanderthal. He leaped at Andrew and he knocked him off balance just enough that the losers took off."
But then the next slows that pacing. I'd split the paragraph and try to keep the urgency up.
I also think the POV shifts around a little, and while your POV character can interpret others' emotions, it should feel more speculative, unless she knows and then that should feel clear.
interesting scene.
good luck.
I didn't feel connected to the mc. POV jumped around. Also, I'm not sure I understood why Chase tackled Andrew or why the losers ran.
ReplyDeleteCommotion of emotion didn't sit well with me, and there's too much telling.
I liked the last paragraph, minor nit, I would lose the "spit flying." That might just be me.
If this were cleaned up I'd read more.