TITLE: Teenage Ecoforce: Rhino Rescue
GENRE: Middle Grade Adventure
Sierra, Ernest and Tyler have been magically sent to Namiba, Africa—against their will. They have been there for 24 hours and are just starting to understand the superpowers they’ve been given. But they are frustrated after a second rhino attack—which prevents them from finding help. Actually, come to think about it, maybe Sierra’s reaction isn’t over-the-top but justified given the situation.
“You actually think you can talk to animals—well, at least to rhinos.”
Tyler turned his head. Sierra was still staring at the ground. “Not totally—I kind of didn’t do any of the talking,” he said. “I was too busy wondering if it was going to eat me.”
Sierra didn’t even smile. “Rhinos don’t eat people.”
Tyler shrugged. “Thank the ancestors then for small favors.”
Sierra shoved herself off the car and stomped the ground like an angry, well, like an angry rhinoceros. “No, I don’t think I’m going to thank the ancestors at all,” she spat out, her face turning bright red again. “I am not interested in doing what that stupid rhino wants and I am so not interested in forming some weird cooperative group with you and Ernest. I am going to go on this lame safari because obviously it’s pointless to try to do anything else, and I will help you when you need it because maybe it will get me home sooner. But I definitely don’t have to like it.” Tyler jumped back as she slammed her fist onto the hood of the car. Crap. She’d made a radical dent. Hopefully the engine wasn’t thrashed.
“They need to lock that old lady in an old people’s home where she can’t hurt me--or anyone else that matters.” Sierra marched around and threw herself into the car next to Ernest, slamming the door shut. Tyler ran his hand through his hair. Okay, so that wasn’t so bad.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I like the premise of this story and it sounds like a potentially fun read!
ReplyDeleteThe big-fat-paragraph right in the middle was a bit cumbersome to wade through. It needs a lot of tightening.
I understand what you're trying to accomplish with this:
Sierra shoved herself off the car and stomped the ground like an angry, well, like an angry rhinoceros.
But it's a tiny bit clunky and might read better something like this:
Sierra shoved herself off the car and stomped the ground like an angry...well, rhinoceros.
I also found it a bit confusing that Sierra was still the one speaking in the final paragraph; I had to go back and check.
So yes, some tightening for clarity and a bit more "white space."
One more nitpik:
Sierra didn’t even smile. “Rhinos don’t eat people.”
Tyler shrugged. “Thank the ancestors then for small favors.”
These are GREAT BEATS ("Sierra didn't even smile" and "Tyler shrugged.")! However, I think it's a good idea to not have two consecutive lines of dialogue both BEGINNING with the beat. Notice how differently this reads:
Sierra didn’t even smile. “Rhinos don’t eat people.”
“Thank the ancestors then for small favors,” Taylor said, shrugging.
(Or something like that...my point is to use variety in your tags and beats.)
Good work--keep going!
I was unclear a few times who exactly was speaking.
ReplyDelete"She’d made a radical dent. Hopefully the engine wasn’t thrashed."--unless this is related to her super power strength, it is a stretch.
Sounds like a cute story.
I like Sierra and Tyler. You've painted a good picture of both of them with their dialogue and their actions.
ReplyDeleteThey both seem quite natural and nothing seems forced. She's obviously a bit ticked off and he's just trying to keep the situation from unravelling any further. Great job on that aspect.
Althought I've tried (seriously) to find a nit to pick, I can't find anything that hasn't been picked already.
I think it would be a fun story to read.
This is good. It's been a while since I've read any MG, but I'd keep reading this one.
ReplyDeleteI can't find anything that hasn't been said above, but would like to echo Authoress' white space comment. Just a little tweaking & this will be great.
In the opening lines, I was unclear who was speaking. That's partly from being dropped in, but generally dialogue comes from the last person described.
ReplyDeleteAfter-Sierra was still staring at the groud- I thought it was her saying "Not totally...."he said. Then, my next thought was Sierra is a boy? So, you might work on that part.
Everything else was clear.
I thought this was a fun read, but I have no clue who the old lady is.
ReplyDeleteAside from a little bit of uncertainty as to who is speaking when, I liked it. But I think you do need a little more clarity in that aspect.