TITLE: Sloane Wolf
GENRE: Romance (paranormal)
When fate arrived in Destiny Falls, Micah Sloane was elbow-deep in his brother’s Ford Tempo, trying to coax the geriatric engine back to life. With little luck. But still he tried, determined not to be brought low by four cylinders of sheer stubbornness. So intent was he on his task, he would have missed the arrival of fate if not for the low whistle of his brother.
“Would you look at that?”
Must be one hell of a car, Micah thought, if he were to judge by the reverent tone of his brother’s voice. Cam didn’t go all soft over just any car like some of their friends did; it had to be special. Definitely not a Ford, although he liked the classic Mustangs. Probably not a Chevy, either. A Firebird was a possibility; Cam was known to get all sweet on them in the past. But - would that elicit such a whistle from his brother? No, that was a different kind of whistle, an I-never-saw-that-here-before kind of whistle. Whatever it was, it was a newcomer to Destiny Falls.
When he didn’t react quick enough, his brother - who’d already turned away from their task - back-handed him on the shoulder. Hard. “Hey!” Micah yelled, returning the favor without looking up. “What’s with you, brother?”
“Look at that.”
But before Micah could do that, his senses pricked up - and not by the urgent undertone in his brother’s voice.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I liked this and would read on.
ReplyDeleteOnly thing that bothered me was the "What's with you, brother?" Do brothers actually refer to each other like that? Seems odd to me.
Didn't really get a paranormal vibe. But the writing is good. I'd read on a bit more to see how it develops.
ReplyDeleteI liked this. Really liked the first sentence. I'm very interested in what the brother saw and I'm thinking its going to be a very good looking girl.
ReplyDeleteYou might cut down some of the long middle paragraph. Some might lose interest with all that car talk.
I am 99% sure that it is a hot girl that he is looking at. Agree with the prior comment about the too much car talk, but that's a personal preference.
ReplyDeleteI rarely comment on names, but I will mention that I have seen the name Micah a lot in paranormal novels.
I like your style and while I am not hooked, I would still keep reading.
The first read through I'd say I'm not hooked but reading it a second time changes my mind. I'd read more to see what they it is Micah's supposed to look at.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Susiej - pare down that middle paragraph. It's funny that he assumes it's a car, but I think it goes on a bit too long.
ReplyDeleteI do love the phrase "..brought low by the four cylinders of sheer stubbornness."
I was intrigued by his senses at the end. I'm guessing it's a woman and she's going to be trouble? :)
good job.
Cut down on the car talk for sure. I'm intrigued, but I'm not sure how much further I'd read. I'd give it a bit, since I too assume it is a girl that Cam is looking at, but I need something more than what I got here to really hook me.
ReplyDeleteI really liked this! I loved the voice--I didn't mind the car talk going on, because it was fun and the character going on and on is a great indicator as to where he is and what he's about. Hooked!
ReplyDeleteDefinitely hooked. I don't really mind the car-talk in the middle; it's a little much, because it's not really my thing, but then I could happily go on about forests or plants or the like, and people would probably say the same thing, so I'm not going to let it detract.
ReplyDeleteExcellent job, I'd definitely want to see more of this.
I'm hooked. I agree that the car talk went on a little long but I liked your voice. I'll read more!
ReplyDeleteNo bad. The paragraph about which cars Cam would flip over is a little long. Any way to shorten it?
ReplyDeleteSemi-hooked. I like the writing.
ReplyDeleteGreat voice! I agree with others to cut the car talk down a bit, that way we can get to the girl sooner (I'm guessing it is a girl). The longer you delay, the more frustrated I get as a reader, and feel manipulated more than intrigued. I want to see a bit of his reaction to the girl -- or whatever it is that he eventually does see.
ReplyDeleteThe writing is strong and the voice is great. I'd read on.
Good luck!
I thought the first sentence was too busy, but the others seem to like it. I thought there was way too much car talk in the middle.
ReplyDeleteIn America, siblings wouldn't address each other as "brother," though they do in some other countries. Is this a hint of foreign or not-quite-human upbringing?
Everyone else is guessing it's a girl, so I'll guess it's a four-armed yeti with its head inside a fishbowl.
Mark in the Seattle area
Seems a little guyish to be a romance, but having put in time coaxing geriatric engines to life myself, I liked it and would keep reading. I'd drop the 'brother' from the dialogue, though. Other than that, good start.
ReplyDeleteI completely agree with Sandy's comment above.
ReplyDeleteI especially like some of your phrases. ...coax the geriatric engine back to life,...brought low by four cylinders of sheer stubborness, for example.
I also agree that you have a little too much car talk in the second para, but just a little. I would suggest a very minor trim, not a large cut, to tighten it up and move the story along.
I like the first sentence, but think it would be stronger if it stopped after "Ford Tempo." Then slip in the bit about the geriatric engine into another sentence.
Nice work. I would read on.
I'm hooked. Very nice job pulling us right into the scene. I can totally feel the mood of the two brothers working, and their love of cars. I'm wanting to see what Cam is looking at.
ReplyDeleteI don't know.I'm betting with all of the car talk that it's a car they don't see around there much. I also think it is intriguing because we are all thinking about what does he see!
ReplyDeleteI liked this. The writing is breezy, the characters semi-established right away. A couple things though. Cars are my first love. Judging from the cars you mention (and no, I thought that was great but again, cars are me) you're talking older, classics. If that's the case, I would think he'd be determined not to be brought low by eight cylinders, not four. Minor, but still important. Also, the 'brother' reminded me of "O Brother, Where Art Thou" which, if this is paranormal, is probably not what you want your readers to think. Though that would make an interesting read!
ReplyDeleteNot hooked, but could be. Instead of telling me he's elbow deep in the car, show me. Your first paragraph is told in a narrator's pov, then the rest is in Micah's. If you show the first parg., that would fix the problem.
ReplyDeleteI'm thinking it's not a car they're looking at, because a car would have passed by in all the time it took him to think that second parg.
I'm guessing it's Fate in human form, and I'm wondering if the title, SLoane WOlf, is a play on words. Unfortunately, I'm not wondering enough to keep reading. Those two questions aren't enough for me to say I'd read the book.
Very nice writing and your frst sentence is really great. I agree the car talk went on a bit and also, calling him brother sounded forced. Why not just use his name? I'd definately want to read on. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteHannah6
Oh, yeah, hooked. I want to find out what they see and how fate comes to Destiny Falls.
ReplyDeleteYou had me with the first paragraph (although elbow deep in ford tempo isn't a good image) but then you lost me with the third paragraph. Why can't he just look up?
ReplyDeleteIt's a bit of a cliche beginning, but if you could get more of that first paragraph's voice into the following paragraphs, you might be able to get away with it.
The tone is light and witty. The interaction between Mica and Cam seems very natural.
ReplyDeleteThe description of the cars did go on for a couple beats after the point was made. As a hook, I'd have rather seen what he was looking at. To actually see the woman or whatever it was, would have been more intriguing and left me with more questions about what would happen next.
Still very interesting. I'd read on.
I really liked the first paragraph.
ReplyDeleteI felt that the middle paragraph spent too long on setting him up as a petrol head, as it's fairly clear from the set up that the object of the whistle is not a car.
I agree with the reviewer who commented that Micah's use of brother didn't quite fit here.
I liked it though and would definitely read on
I'm already hooked. I want to know what's taken that man's attention away from a classic car engine! Got to be a beautiful woman!
ReplyDeleteI'm not hooked by this one at all.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if you meant your title to come across as a terrible pun based on the phrase "Lone Wolf", but it does do that.
Cars and fixing things aren't really my thing; there's nothing wrong with your writing really, but I'm just not interested in this.
I need action and something else to happen, to feel hooked.
I liked this one, but I agree with most others that the car talk went on too long. I don't think you really need to mention the names - the readers are interested in what his brother has seen. Cut the car sentences and get to what his brother is looking at more quickly.
ReplyDelete