TITLE: EarthDevils
GENRE: Adventure
As a young boy, Jeffrey Tanner, curly-haired and freckled, became the target of a schoolyard gang. When he couldn't take it anymore, he figured out what he needed to do to make the beatings stop.
Jeffrey Tanner had curly red hair and freckles; those two things alone earned him several beatings behind the school. He spent his whole young life trying to make himself invisible to the gangs that hunted kids like him. Some days he escaped their notice; other days, although he weighed every word and never looked anywhere but straight ahead, he unwittingly incurred their wrath.
Then one day on his terrified, quick-step walk home, he saw them tossing their new target around like a rag doll. No longer the target, what he witnessed was life-changing. The helpless terror on the face of the little boy being pummeled made a swell of molten hot anger rise like a volcano within him. For once in his life, he felt super-human as he ran up to the gang - heart full of hate, brain full of power. When the leader, smiling and growling at the same time, yelled, “What the hell do you want, Girly-Boy?” Jeffrey made a choice that had been years in the making. After a lifetime of being beaten down, after a lifetime of feeling powerless, after a lifetime of being terrified every time he walked out of his house, he knew how to even up his score.
“I don’t hear you, Girly-boy!”
“I want in!” And with those three words, and virgin fists that had never fought their own battles, he terrified the boy pinned on the ground, declaring a twisted allegiance to his new best friends.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Too much telling not enough showing.
ReplyDeleteOh, that was heartwrenching.
ReplyDeleteIt held my attention but some of the wordiness could be cut out to move it along faster. I get the feeling this is the first page? And you know how the agents stress the first page and its momentum.
So, maybe cut out the "When," and just make it immediate "The leader, smiling and growling at the same time yelled...
and the one sentence tht safes, after a lifetime 3 times, maybe just "After a lifetime of feeling powerless, he knew how to even the score." So we can get to the answer we're waiting for. (the other stuff, though I found it poetic in its structue, we did already know.)
Keep in mind, I'm telling you this as "how do I hook agent" criticism. I myself would have kept reading, but I am a patient reader- I don't feel the need to be grabbed in three sentences.
I really see this as more literary than commercial. And I mean that as a complement.
I agree with susiej's comments, but I was also into this as I read. As heartbroken as I was to read that Jeffrey joined the bullies, it definitely made me sit up and say, "Oh!" I'd read on if only to see what happens to Jeffrey and if he comes back to his senses.
ReplyDeleteYou got my attention right away b/c I think everyone expected Jeffrey to fight the bullies, not join them. I like that it's a "twisted allegiance."
ReplyDeleteThat said, your audience is probably MG (based on the young boy comment), so your paragraphs are too long in my opinion. You can make things move more quickly in large part by breaking things into manageable chunks.
I don't really like the "life-changing" word choice. I feel it's a little cliche.
Well, you certainly got my attnetion. I think the writing is very good and the situation is an interesting one.
ReplyDeleteBut you knocked me out of my chair with the ending. Maybe that was your intent. If so, you certainly accomplished it. I would be interested to see where this leads.
Great twist. You used a deceptive/misleading POV technique to accomplish this (i.e. the anger can only be directed at the bullies, but it turns out he joins in the pummeling), but you got me.
ReplyDeleteThe writing is good. My only worry was wordiness. Could be: ...several beatings at school; He spent his life trying to...; ...he incurred their wrath. I don't think these meek trimming alters the message of the first paragraph or infringes on voice, but it does help it move faster.
Be cautious of repetition (tossing their new target around like a rag doll, being pummeled). There's no need for the second.
That's about it. Good job.
I don't know if I could keep reading this - that twist at the end left me gasping!
ReplyDeleteI have to agree it's a tad wordy, but if this is an early draft it's understandable. If not, I would take previous advice and make some cuts.
Wow. I don't know what else to say.
Wrenching, for sure. And I think this excerpt would stand well on its own as a very dark flash-fic. I hope the MC does find some better way of being strong...
ReplyDeleteMinor nitpicks: 'terrified' twice and 'terror' once in the same short passage; and 'virgin fists' sounded a bit odd.
All the bullies that picked on me when I was a kid wouldn't have let me join in. They would have thrown me down with the other kid and gotten a two-fer.
ReplyDeleteI do know the emotion he was feeling here. I found out something though. That bullies don't handle it well when their prey fights back or stands up to them.
I tried it, expecting to get dead, but walked away without any incident at all.
Although it was interesting twist, I personally couldn't see someone who had been the target so much be so easily turned against the new target. He knows all-to-well what it feels like, and I find it hard to believe that he would do that.
Well you broke my heart with the ending. Now I want to know how it affects the adult Jeffrey. I suspect it is important.
ReplyDeleteI loved the quick step walk home line. But I liked the duplication of lifetime less.
But overall I really liked it.
I loved your second paragraph, and the ending really surprised me. I think there are some bullies out there that would be amused at the idea that they'd tormented one of their targets so much he was willing to turn on a fellow victim, and would let him hang around for a little bit until they got bored and turned on him again.
ReplyDeleteI only have two issues with this. I think the first paragraph has a bit too much telling. Could you start with him walking and tell us, through his actions and thoughts, that he's scared of being beaten up? Also, the word 'terrified' in the last sentence was a bit vague. I would rather hear how he terrified the boy. Pummelled, kicked, gouged... let us know exactly what he did to the boy on the ground, and we'll know without needing to be told that the poor victim is terrified.
I think this is a bit wordy, "after a lifetime" repeated. "He spent his whole young life" - we know he's young. Some cliches too - molten hot rise like a volcano.
ReplyDeleteI thought it was a great twist, but I'm not sure I think it's realistic. I could go with it though. I'd keep reading.