TITLE: The City of Fallen Flesh
GENRE: YA Post Apoc
This was my personal kind of Hell. I guess the town I was currently stuck in could probably be called beautiful. Or quaint. Or even cosy. To me it was suffocating. The overcrowded buildings, the lack of food, the fake pleasantries as people pretended to like one another and get along was something I’d despised for the past five years. I hated being stuck in this town, hated being trapped like some kind of wild animal. The walls around us were closing in on me, and if I didn’t die of suffocation – starvation might get me first.
I was twelve at the time of my entrapment. Old enough to understand what was happening was bad; worse than bad, awful. But young enough not to realise exactly how much life would change. Though, I wasn’t the only person forced here, the only person to wish for a different world. And it was all because of my father.
My fingers groped at the rough stone wall in front of me. The grooves weren’t all deep enough for me to dig my hands or feet into. I’d tried to climb this wall every day since I’d moved here. It was a futile gesture, a pointless dream. But I longed to reach the top of the fifty foot wall and see what actually lay behind it. That wasn’t to say I hadn’t been told.
“You stay away from that wall, Melody,” my father warned me whenever I’d been caught trying to climb it. Sometimes I managed to get a little way up, but then one wrong move and I’d land back on the muddy ground, surrounded by my father’s Guard.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I'm pretty interested in this. I usually like Post-Apocalyptic stuff, and I think that wanting to get out of a small town is a relatable YA theme.
ReplyDeleteThat said, it's not quite there. The third paragraph, which introduces the wall (important, I'm assuming) feels forced. I'd like it to be introduced differently somehow.
I like the premise of the story.
ReplyDeleteI'd open with paragraph three and work the first two paragraphs in as backstory.
Thank you!
ReplyDeleteI agree with Paul. The wall surrounding the town seems like the cornerstone of the beginning of the story, and you throw it in there almost haphazardly.
ReplyDeleteNot quite hooked.
Hooked. I like the tone of this, reminds me of "The Inferior" in a lot of ways. I'd definitely read more.
ReplyDeleteI liked this idea, but I agree with start with the wall. I'd like to see her climbing it and then on her butt in the mud with the guards surrounding, rather than being told about it.
ReplyDeleteI'm interested. I would read on.
ReplyDeleteWatch the repeat of suffocation in the first paragraph. It's a strong word, and using it twice so close together lessens the impact.
Love me some end of the world fiction! :D
You do a good job communicating the MC's hatred of the town, but the writing could be sharper. "The walls around us were closing in on me" is a bit stale, as is "trapped like some kind of wild animal." Second sentence in the 2nd paragraph is awkward.
ReplyDeleteThe part about her father is interesting but I'm not quite hooked.
I'm not really hooked. As others have said the wall sounds important, but you don't make it seem that way. And the first two paragraphs make the MC sound whiny, which makes it hard for me to like or care about her. I think you'd be better off starting with the wall and going from there.
ReplyDeleteI agree that the MC seems whiny which is not lovable. I want to know more about the wall and then weave the backstory in as you go.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry but I'm not hooked.
Consider cutting the first two paragraphs and begin with the intriguing beginning, "My fingers groped at the..."
ReplyDeleteAll the telling lost me but I sort of jumped with excitement when I got to that third paragraph.
My son and I agree with Pat's comments - start at the 3rd paragraph and weave the other info in later.
ReplyDeleteHook us first with some action.
Yes, definitely hooked. Nice writing.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Lucy. Opening with action on the wall might be better. Hook the audience before getting into the description.
ReplyDeleteOther than that, I think your writing ability and your voice are both great, and I don't even go for YA stuff.
I'm interested in seeing more. Definitely hooked me with the overall story concept. I love this genre. Great work!
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. A girl is stuck behind a wall.
ReplyDeleteWhy?
Why did she move there?
Why can't she get out? (Yeah. The wall is keeping her in, but why can't people just leave?)
Why is it her father's fault?
I wouldn't expect you to answer all those questions in the first 250 words, or even in the first chapter, but those are the questions you raise, and what you've written doesn't deal with any of that.
Put us in the moment. Rather than have her think, have her do something. Put her in an interesting or intriguing situation and let her react.
I liked the writing. It seems this story might be better served to open with a scene. Like she's trying to climb the wall for the umteenth time, and gets caught. And what happens when she gets caught. And can we see there's any hope she might actually succeed in climbing the wall? Does she have more of a plan than just staring at it?
ReplyDeleteThe idea is intriguing, but I'm afraid the execution at this point wouldn't keep me reading.
I though it read a little young for YA, but it might be a younger YA?
ReplyDeleteIs there a way you can show what life is like instead of just saying "This is my hell and it's suffocating?"
Since this is Post Apoc fiction certainly they are operating under a new system of life that has more to do with just the wall? Can you show some of that world, and have the wall (tantalizing, illuminating, full of possiblites) in the background, drawing the MC's desire.
(The Forest of Hands and Teeth did this well, you might want to take a look at how the fences got introduced.)
Getting "over the wall" needs to be given more weight, though I like the possibilites for the MC with this goal.
This isn't hooking me either, unfortunately.
ReplyDeleteI'm all for post-apocalypic stuff, but the real turn-off here is that the voice of your protagonist sounds NOTHING like a teenager. Melody comes across as an adult writing as a teenager, which is a common complaint of mine. Voice is ultimately very important to a novel, so no matter how interesting the plot is--it will fail if you don't have a convincing character voice.