TITLE: Lofty Minds
GENRE: YA Urban Fantasy
Twin brothers who are telepathic and work for a spy agency, Georgiana is
their boss, Mika is their current assignment. Quinton is their old best
friend/new worst enemy. One twin is on a date with the girl he likes. The
other has gotten into some trouble.
My phone vibrated in my pocket. I tried to hide my irritation. It
was getting late, but not late enough to be checked up on. "Yo," I answered
the phone.
It was Georgiana. "Where are you?" she asked in a shaky voice. Her
tone alarmed me. She was usually so controlled.
"I'm at Karri's house."
"We are taking Alex to University Medical Center. Meet us there."
My heart sunk. "What happened?"
"Mika disappeared. Alex came with me to search for her. Turns out,
an old friend of yours wanted to take Mika with him. Alex took the situation
into his own hands when he shouldn't have."
"Alex was hurt by Quinton?" I raged. The kitchen light exploded over
the snack bar as my anger erupted. "Zax, what's going on?" Georgiana
demanded.
I took deep breaths, worked to control myself. It felt impossible as
images of my twin being hurt by Quinton went through my mind. The world
spun.
Karri turned on a different set of lights and returned to my side.
"Zax, what happened? Zax? Zax?"
"Let me talk to Karri," Georgiana demanded.
I handed my phone to Karri and walked outside to her back yard. The
cool night air felt good, as I took deep, calming breaths. I paced back and
forth, running my fingers through my hair and fought for control. What if
something happened to Alex because I wasn't there to back him up? I'd never
been so scared.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I think it's good in the beginning, and pretty good at the end, but the sudden rage was a bit jarring. I don't get much of a physical/emotional reaction from the narrator besides the phrases "raged" and "as my anger erupted," which is definitely telling over showing, I think.
ReplyDeleteThere are a few awkward sentences--"It felt impossible as images of my twin being hurt by Quinton went through my mind." You could split that into two sentences, which would help, and use a stronger verb instead of "went".
But other than that, I thought it flowed pretty well. :)
It's a really interesting premise and I'm curious if the whole book if just through Jax's perspective ... but on to the excerpt.
ReplyDeleteIt's set up really well and I got a good feel for the characters (at least Zax and Georgiana). REALLY like how the kitchen light explodes as a physical example of his anger (don't like the "I raged"). I think you mean "sank" instead of "sunk."
There was a lot of "telling" instead of "showing" and it jarred me out of the story. The last paragraph was good showing, though.
Not much to add to previous critters, but here's my two cents extra:
ReplyDeleteRead your dialogue aloud--some awkwardness here. Like G would more likely say "We're taking Alex..." It's an emergency, people rush their speech. And Zax would more likely say "Quinton hurt Alex?!" instead of the passive way it's written.
I too love the premise and urge more showing, like the light exploding (loved the way you wrote that--Zax wouldn't be astounded, so just throwing it in factualy worked great) vs. telling.
I'd read on, for sure. Good job.
I liked the passage but I expected Zax to tear out of there and head to the hospital but he only paced in the backyard. It could be because of the DtN.
ReplyDeleteI would feel more grounded if Georgiana was narrating his reaction more than Zax himself. As in, "Zax I heard that pop and you'd better get it together if you don't want to kill that girl you're with."
ReplyDeleteOr something like that. I can see the conflict in him better if his self-awareness is in opposition to her knowledge of him.
In the "Alex was hurt by Quinton?" paragraph I expect the final speaker to be K, not G, since I expect his boss to know him better than to have to ask.
I think to write in the first person you have to be very skilful.
ReplyDeleteMY brain began to frazzle in MY head and I had to stop MYself from disappearing inside MY shell...
After a while it's all we notice.
I've of course used a sentence I made up. I'd go about it differently were it me.
Can a brain frazzle as fast as mine was?
I agree with the other comments- good premise, good plot- the writing just needs tightened to make it more immediate.
ReplyDeleteThere are a few places you need contractions for more normal speech.
the paragraph beginning with- It was Georgiana.
I'd combine the second and third sentence. "Where are you?" she asked in a shaky voice which alarmed me. She was usually so controlled.
And in the paragraph with the lightbulb exploding. No need to say I raged as the next sentence shows that.
Sank?
ReplyDeleteCell phones: you know who it is before you answer, these days, not the other way around.
The dialogue seems forced:
"Where are you?"
"Karri's."
I head to read the "Mika disappeared" paragraph twice. Not clear what is going on. Also, seems a bit formal speech for someone who's on their way to the ER. Not natural phone dialogue.
A lot of people appear: Mika, Quinton.
Again: "Did Quinton do something?"
Style point: Separate two speakers into two paragraphs.
This snippet is not quite enough to hook me, but I'd give a chapter a shot.
That said, I am curious about the excessive emotional response to the news that his twin had been hurt. There is some interesting backstory here.
Sorry for late comments. This is the first free moment I've had from work since the posting...