TITLE: The Devil Behind the Cross
GENRE: Urban Fantasy
Roy woke up to screaming.
He winced, tried to rise, then floundered and collapsed back against the floor. The screaming continued. A garbled cutting cry of agony. Roy swore, pushed his hands against the carpet, tried again.
Screaming. Screaming. Hysterical screaming.
“My leg! My LEG!!”
Hoarse. Loud. Panicked. Over and over.
Roy breathed into the carpet and coughed.
Over and over.
Something wet dripped from his scalp down his temple. He tightened his hand around his CZ as he tried to get his vision to focus. Screams cut against his mind. Same voice. Same guy.
Nineteen. Just as old as him.
“Mygodmygod―” A hiccup, desperate for breath. “Help!” Breathe. “God help me!!”
He was coming, G** d**n it. He just needed a sec― Roy swore and fell back against the wall. He pressed his fist against his bruised side, and breathed.
Roy’s vision swayed from one end of the living room to the other, drunken, adjusting, hazy eyes searching. He spotted the brother behind an overturned chair. Donovan. S’was his name, right?
Roy squinted. Donovan was crying, holding his leg. Holding his thigh… only his…
Roy saw the white poking out of the end of Donovan’s blood soaked khaki shorts, the white and only that in the center of a mass of brown and red.
He gagged on air then clamped his mouth shut, falling forward, scrambling to his feet, stumbling back against the wall once again. His white coat fell and settled around him, the black hems of
Miss Snark's First Victim
When I read "He woke up" I was going to point out that agents don't usually like books which start with waking up. It's become cliche. I think you could just leave it off or start with something like "The screaming made Roy focus..." Or something.
ReplyDeleteI'm not quite hooked. I am curious about what's happened, though, so I might read on another page.
It's an abrupt start, but good intensity. I'd like to see more of why they're their, I'm curious. Good Job.
ReplyDeleteIt reads a little awkward, but I'm kind of curious. I'd probably read a little more and see if it starts to flow better.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree. I'm intrigued, but I don't think I'd say that I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteDitto Saltier. It needs some work, but it starts off alright. As it is, not hooked.
ReplyDeleteThis one is so tough because you only get 250 words. If I got to read a few more lines, I think I'd be hooked completely. As it is, I don't have enough of a hint of what they faced to get there.
ReplyDeleteAlso, and this may just be me, but I didn't know what a CZ was. However, this entry is not my usual genre, so it may just be me.
For me, less is more, and you could've stopped with "Holding his thigh..only his," without the next line. (Leaving more words for the threat they're facing.)
But overall, Your descriptions get a gut reaction from me, and that's what you want.
A little more hint of what they're facing and I'd be hooked. I'm horrified, but I need to be scared of what's coming back for them.
I'm suitably unnerved and disgusted, that's for sure! I'd keep reading. I also have no idea what a CZ is and it took me out while I tried to figure it out.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI agree with John. Too choppy for my taste.
ReplyDeleteAnd something to keep in mind whenever you submit something to anything - never cut off in the middle of a sentence. Ever. You do less words before you leave off in mid thought.
I thought it was too choppy, too. I couldn't get into it (but I'm not into Fantasy, so maybe it's me.)
ReplyDeleteConfused by the CZ reference (but I see I wasn't the only one.)
ReplyDeleteWould need to read a little more to decide if I'll like it, but agree with Screaming Guppy - don't cut off in mid-sentence. Never give more than requested, but go shorter rather than cut-off...
that said, my son really likes this one (the screaming and blood have him hooked)
The only thing I could come up with for CZ was cubic zirconia, and I don't think that's what you were going for. I was also thrown by "the brother". Both things pulled me out of a something that I was trying desperately to stay grounded in. With the choppiness of what you did here, you can't afford to have extra things that pull your reader out of the story. The choppiness might work if the other issues are repaired, but from this the way it is, I'm not hooked.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry... not hooked.
ReplyDeleteOne thing I kept staring at were all the lines beginning with his name.
The rest was just too confusing....
I think the reason I'm not hooked is that I was confused as to who was screaming and what exactly was going on. Perhaps that's because this is only the first 250 words, but a little clarification early on would help.
ReplyDeleteI think I could be hooked if you cut a bit of the description of his struggling and got in a bit more story. As it is, I don't feel compelled to read on because I don't have a clue why this scene is important to the characters. It is horrifying, but not intriguing me.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Not hooked. The writings good with lots of action but its too choppy for me. I get why you did it, but it just doesn't work for me.
ReplyDeleteEDITED by me for some content.
I like the intensity. It throws us right into a chaotic scene and grabs our attention. I would read on. Well done.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. The logic didn't work for me. He wakes up screaming, then has to try to get up off the floor. If he woke up screaming, he'd be off that floor without even realizing it. He'd at least be sitting up.
ReplyDeleteThen he suddenly stops screaming to breathe into the rug. How intense could this pain be if he could stop screaming instantly?
Then he picks up the CZ (I don't know what it is) and someone else is screaming, or maybe it's still him. I couldn't figure it out. That would have been okay if I knew why he was screaming or had a clue as to what was going on. But I didn't.
On the bright side, I loved your title.
Confusion reigns for me here and the constant Roy/Donovan is overwhelming. I see what you're going for, but for me, no, it just doesn't work.
ReplyDeleteBarbara - I interpreted it as meaning he woke up to the sound of screaming, not that he was actually screaming himself.
ReplyDeleteI'm not hooked, though I can recognise that this is personal taste. It's a pet peeve of mine when authors leave you in the dark as to the situation. I always skim to find out what's going on, but it annoys me to have to do so.
The writing didn't trip me up at all though, so that's a good sign.
Very intense. Somewhat confusing, but I have a hunch it's intentional, which works. The blog format makes it a bit more choppy that it'd be on the page, so it's hard to gauge the flow. I like it, and I'd keep reading!
ReplyDeleteNot hooked just yet. I like the immediate tension you've portrayed, but I'm lost.
ReplyDeleteI don't have a clue who the MC is -- Roy? or He? Or is Roy and He the same person? I've read it twice and I still don't know.
Can a person literally wake up screaming? If you were passed out to begin with you'd still have a moment or to before your mind caught up with the pain you were in, wouldn't you? I don't know, but something about that felt off to me.
Also, I'm a little confused -- is the "same voice, same guy" Donovan? If so, why not just say Donovan's voice? If it's Donovan's brother, again, why wouldn't you say his name? Is he a friend? An enemy?
I suppose I don't know anything about the MC enough to really settle into this just yet, but I feel like if this opening were clearer I'd really like it.
Good luck.
I think you have to explain CZ. When you called him Roy I thought he must be a middle-aged man so I was surprised he was 19. I don't think the first thing he'd be thinking about the screamer wuld be his age...he'd be identifiying him and thinking what the hell's going on.
ReplyDeleteI was amazed you used *****s for goddamn but maybe that's an American thing. Seemed prissy to my English tastes.
But it was dramatic and intense and I'd read on. Yucky with the bone though.
This is not hooking me.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure why I'm supposed to care about Roy, other than the fact that he's undergoing some sort of ordeal (still unclear on exactly what), which is causing him to scream. The screaming and the mysterious ordeal take up so much of your excerpt that there's nothing left.
If you want your reader to care about a character in danger, give us something about the character to care about first--then put them into danger.