TITLE: Turtle Shell
GENRE:YA
My dream life would be living in a car. I’d be just like a turtle with a real protective shell. If I like what’s goin on in life, I’d keep my neck extended, the windows rolled down, and if I don’t like what’s goin on, I’d pull my head in, rev the engine, screech forward and leave my mark. Drive-through fast food, even drive-through school would work for me. I’d pull-up, turn in my homework, have a thirty-second chat with my teacher, and I’d drive off with the next day’s assignment. The only peer judgment would come from the car I drove and my car would be cool. Therefore I would be cool.
My dream car would be a Dodge Charger, but not the remake that dad calls a man’s flirtation with his youth. One day, dad and I are driving on the freeway in packed traffic. We’re snailing along at thirty when the front windshield turns into a movie screen and we’re in front row seats watching an action film—a 2009 Dodge Charger whizzes past us, whips around a line of cars, never slowing down. The Charger is black-hole dark and the license plate reads “Batman.” Dad moans, “You gotta be kidding.”
My Charger would be the original, a 1973 with a 440 big block engine and I’d paint it yellow and put a thick black pinstripe around the tail. I’d call it the Stinger. Potent. And I’d drive it fast.
Except I can’t drive. Yet.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I got a little confused on where the "front windshield turns into a movie screen..." It seemed to break in suddenly. It seemed like it might fit in the story somewhere else.
ReplyDeleteOne error - "One day, dad and I are" should be "One day, dad and I were," (As in they were).
I think a lot of us dreamed of that cool car we'd wished we had. Good job.
I really liked your first paragraph. Sucked me in.
ReplyDeleteThe second one lost me a bit though. We're being told about your dream car and then you are with dad.
Why would you be in the car with your dad? It's your turtle shell and dad probably wouldn't live in it also.
I would consider cutting out the sentences from 'One day' and pasting the resst of the paragraph to the last sentence.
I really liked the first paragraph, for the most part. The place it began to get sketchy was "The only peer judgment would come from the car I drove and my car would be cool. Therefore I would be cool."
ReplyDeleteEhhh. Could be better.
But then it gets interesting again as our unnamed hero starts describing his dream car, but again, one place trips it up: the "one day, dad and I are.." Sudden tense shifts are not good! It makes for bad reading.
I was immediately drawn in by the voice. Specifically, I loved the turtle comparison, "A man's flirtation with his youth", "Snailing along," and "black-hole dark." Feels fresh and fun.
ReplyDeleteI would absolutely read on. Great job.
This has potential--an original premise.
ReplyDeleteI liked the first paragraph but the second one confused me and took me out of the story.
I'd probably turn the page to see what happens next in the hopes that more of the car as a home analogy would continue.
I love this! It has a great voice and I want to know this character that loves cars.
ReplyDeleteNice surprise.
Easy fixes..The voice is what counts.
This sounded original to me. I liked the turtle comparison.
ReplyDeleteHa. And wait until this kid figures out how much gas those old Chargers guzzle compared to the new Charger. :P
ReplyDeleteI like this. Hooked.
I like the comparison to the turtle in the first paragraph, and I like the voice. However, I'm not really sure what exactly the premise here is. Right now it just feels like character set-up, which is fine and I'd probably read a couple more pages to see where it's going. However, that's based just on the voice, so if I didn't get something happening soon, I'd put it away.
ReplyDeleteDoesn't work for me, but I'm not into cars. So I don't follow the fascination with them.
ReplyDeleteAlso, if you live in your car, wouldn't you get fat? No exercise, etc. And what about bathroom breaks?
These are the thoughts I had after reading your submission.
Also, in the second paragraph, you launch into a flashback, and we haven't even learned who your MC is.
The turtle comparison in the first paragraph confused me. Also, I don't understand why the peer judgment would come FROM the car.
ReplyDeleteThe second paragraph seems to have a flashback, but if so, it's confusing because it's in present tense.
If you drop the turtle comparison, the judgment from the car, and the flashback, you could combine the second and third paragraphs together to have a cool beginning two paragraphs.
Mark in the Seattle area
INteresting character - a kid wanting an old charger? I would read on.
ReplyDeleteI liked the turtle metaphor, but the writing got really choppy for me right after that and all the way through to the end.
ReplyDeleteI counted 15 "would" and "I'd" references in the 250 words you have posted here. They really started to scream at me from the screen after a while.
I'm not into car stuff, so that whole part about which Charger is which totally lost me. but I'm not the audience for this, I'm sure.
Still, if you want to broaden your audience, and if the car is important, you may explain the differences... just a few words. Because I didn't know they made a remake, or even what a Charger looks like. ahahahaha
oy.
All of that to say that unless the car is super important, I'd skip that and get to what he needs protection from... because that's the part of the story that intrigues me.
I like it. The bit about the windshield turning into a movie screen is a little confusing, but I got it after a couple of read-throughs. Might want to tweak it a tad to clarify what you mean.
ReplyDeleteThe Charger originally came out in 1966, BTW, but the '73 was indeed a wicked machine. The kid has good tastes.
I like this idea and voice.
ReplyDelete1st para - (nit)"GOIN" needs an apostrophe at the end where the last 'g' is dropped. Also the last two sentences of that para might work better broken up something like this - "Any peer judgment would be based on the car I drove(.) My car would be cool, so I would be cool." That kind of wording also takes care of the problem of sounding like the judgment is coming FROM the car which someone mentioned earlier. Just an idea.
I agree with above suggestion about dropping all but the first sentence of the second paragraph and pasting that sentence to the front of the third para. Besides that first sentence, the second para may be interesting, but it's not necessary and breaks up the flow of the writing.
I would definitely be interested in reading more of this. I like your MC and can relate to the whole car thing.
I liked the imagery in the first paragraph, though I agree with a few other readers that the second to last sentence doesn't match the rest of the narrator's voice. Something like, "The only thing anyone could judge me by would the car, and my car would be cool," might work better.
ReplyDeleteThe second paragraph, on the other hand, really threw me. The tense shift is awkward; it certainly delineates the change to a flashback, but it's too jarring to be readable. I'm not really sure what you could do to fix it, though. Helpful, I know:)
Overall, I'm not hooked. The voice is interesting, but I don't get a sense of WHY our narrator wants to live in his/her car. Most teenagers feel the need to disconnect from the rest of adolescent society at least once, so what makes this teenager different?
The tone of this sounds very middle grade to me. The way you've started out makes it sound like it's going to be about cars. While I think it's a cool idea to liken a turtle shell to a car - he hides in his love of cars or building of cars or whatever - there has to be something more to support a whole book. I'd like to see a hint of that here. Something about his internal
ReplyDelete"ride" as well.
Not hooked. Sorry.
Not hooked. I felt this kid had definite problems -- he can't relate to other people, doesn't live in reality. If that's who he is and what your story's about, then good job. If not . . . .
ReplyDeleteThat was my problem with it. I couldn't tell. Is that what you're going for, or do you have something else in mind? What's the point? If it's simply that the kid likes cars, fine. But it's not a story.
Give me a clue as to where it's going.
*Posting before reading other comments*
ReplyDeleteI liked the comparison with living in the car and the turtle in the start. So, the first three sentences. Then the analogy gets carried on for too long, and starts to meander. It's hard to judge without seeing what happens next, but I'd cut everything after the first three sentences, until you get to the point in your story where something happens. In other words, I think there's too much telling.
On the plus side, I think you have a great voice.
I like the second paragraph, but I'm not sure it works in the first page - because the action is in the past, it feels passive. But I do like the idea that this kid has a relationship with his/her dad.
ReplyDeleteYou flirt with several tenses in this - present, future, past-as-present, etc, and that takes me out a little.
I want to see more. I like the voice. It feels real.
The voice felt young to me, and that's okay, but because I don't have a clear picture of what the plot is (and I don't really expect to with only a page) I'd want to know if the plot is edgy or not. Because this voice is not edgy, I'd expect the plot to not be edgy.
ReplyDeleteI don't care for the turtle reference, because what teen boy wants to move like a turtle?
Also, be careful of starting each paragraph in the same manner. The three paragraphs start:
My dream life...
My dream car...
My charger...
I'm sure this is intentional, I just think it reads flat.
Also, "dad" in the second paragraph should be capitalized because it is being used as a proper name.
I'd keep reading, though. :)
I like this and believe it would appeal to male readers. I was also confused by the windshield screen, Batman etc. But you've got voice and an orginal premise.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Hannah6
Unfortunately, not hooked.
ReplyDeleteI said before, entries ago, that cars aren't my thing. And since this entry is all about cars, I'm not seeing much else to catch my interest here. I'm sorry.
Well, I'm concerned that your first 250 words are all about how your character is avoiding life inside his/her car. This is where you show us how the character's life will change, for better or worse. Right now, nothing's happening. That said, your metaphor worked for me, but this reflection needs to happen later.
ReplyDeleteYou have voice! Your first paragraph drew me in. Sometimes we all want to hide. It seems like your main character wants to hide. I'm guessing middle school. Who doesn't want to hide from that!! Second paragraph could use some sentence defining but that's an easy fix. Your descriptions are great. Black-hole dark...great.
ReplyDelete