TITLE: Siblings
GENRE: Young Adult
The last place I wanted to be was the hospital but here I was. I resisted the temptation to glance into every open door as I made my way down the hall to Jim’s room. He’s my older brother and had been back in town for over a week but I hadn’t seen him yet.
I was mostly here to get Mom off my back. She’d kept insisting that I visit Jim. She didn’t come right out and say it but Jim probably wouldn’t be around much longer. Now I didn’t know what to think about that. I mean, Jim had never been around much anyway. I barely knew him.
I’m seventeen years old, and the only time I’d been in a hospital, besides when I was born, was to visit my Grandpa ten years ago. He’d had a stroke and couldn’t talk. My mom had held his hand and kissed him on the cheek, whispered into his ear.
Can Grandpa hear? I remembered asking my mom. Maybe, John, she’d replied. Maybe.
I’d decided to visit Jim alone. I’d had enough of my parents lately. I didn’t want them watching me watch my brother. Besides, I thought they were happy not to be here for one night—everyone needed a break, even them.
I stopped in front of room 212. I could still turn back but then what would I tell my parents. I took a deep breath, pushed through the door and covered the few steps to the bed.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I like the mood in this piece. I think you have an interesting premise.
ReplyDeleteI read through once, and then realized you had put some info in the opening paragraphs about Jim, about the narrator being seventeen...
A lot of telling instead of showing.
She sounds older than a seventeen year old. Maybe she'd be more nervous about being around beeping things and hospital smells.
Consider having the narrator simply go through the hospital door and share sensations.
For example, when she walks in and sees her brother in the hospital bed, what does she feel? Does she feel pity, horror, relief, fear?
What does she notice first?
The sentences are very choppy, and it doesn't really flow that well. The first sentence doesn't really reach out and grab me, either, so that's something of a hint that the rest of it's not going to be all that good.
ReplyDelete(I wrote this comment before reading any of the others.)
ReplyDelete48 - there's some voice here but there's also a lot of infodumping and at least one jarring tense change. I'm not quite convinced I should care about this kid going into his brother's hospital room. And seventeen seems a bit old for the voice; I would have pegged him as 14-15.
Like Critter Cat, I thought the narrator was a girl, until I reached the line "maybe, John." I'm not a fan of the info-dumpy talk-directly-to-the-reader method of writing, which you do when you write, "I'm 17 and . . "
ReplyDeleteSome grammar things -
"what would I tell my parents" should have a ?, no?
I think you need a comma after "she didn't come right out and sit it, but . . "
And "Now I didn't know what to think about that" was kind of awkward. Now, as in the present? As opposed to in the past, when he did know?
For me, I wasn't hooked. I'm curious as to why the brother is dying, but I'm not really interested in a character who doesn't seem to care about that. He's not coming across as very sympathetic.
She's a girl??
ReplyDelete*rereads*
Oops. :-)
I also had trouble with the MC's gender until the name was attached.
ReplyDeleteI liked the concept, but didn't like the writing enough to continue.
This has some great concepts for YA audiences: a teen reluctantly visiting the dying brother in the hospital. It's just a little dry the way that it's presented here. I would describe more actions rather than so much internal monologue: walking into the hospital from outside, maybe pausing to look at the directory. Something that shows what's happening as the protagonist makes the long walk to room 212. Or you could have a brief conversation with a nurse in the hallway: "I'm here to see my brother," something like that, to break up the straight exposition with dialogue. Make us feel like we're there, walking alongside the main character.
ReplyDeleteSounds lie a very painful drama. I would of liked to be introduced to the protagonist a little more than just his age. It's a good concept for a life time movie perhaps. I not quite hooked, but there is potential. Great job!
ReplyDeleteOne problem I had right off is she sounds a bit younger than seventeen. And this could be trimmed and cleaned up. Less information right of, more action.
ReplyDeleteI agree that the MC felt younger than 17. And I wasn't a big fan of the way his age was imparted. I really dislike having a character info-dump details like age, name, appearance, etc. to the reader in first-person narrative. I think it just feels...lazy. There's got to be a more organic way.
ReplyDeleteOne reason I'm not hooked is that there's nothing terribly sympathetic about this character. Regardless of the fact that the brother hasn't been involved in his life, the lack of emotion here really turns me off. The prevailing emotion/motivation for the MC seems to be appeasing his parents. That's just not enough to hook me. Is he upset that his brother was never around? Disappointed that Jim is going to die before they could have any kind of relationship? Disturbed that he doesn't feel anything about his brother's impending death? Or even just creeped out by hospitals?
I need more of an emotional connection to the MC. He comes across as almost completely indifferent to the whole situation, which is how I'm feeling about this opening.
I think this is an intriguing premise. Good luck with this.
I'm not hooked because this seems rushed to me - it's a lot of information in just 250 words. Maybe you've shortened something for the 250 word count? If so, I think a longer, taking-your-time version would work better. Plus, I bet you could amp up the title a little :-) Thanks for sharing this.
ReplyDeleteI'm not hooked by this. I felt like it was a lot of information, but no action, and I have no idea if or when some action will happen.
ReplyDelete(without reading what others have said)
ReplyDeleteThe voice of your MC is way younger than 17.
He also comes off as really unsympathetic right off the bat. His older brother is in the hospital and might die soon, and his attitude is completely flip. Whether he knows him or not, that kind of makes me hate John. I'm not sure you want that on the first page.
Lots of info dump. But without the emotional connection, I wouldn't read further. Sorry.
I THINK THIS IS WHERE YOU SHOULD START:
ReplyDeleteThe only time I’d been in a hospital, besides when I was born, was to visit my Grandpa ten years ago. He’d had a stroke and couldn’t talk. My mom had held his hand and kissed him on the cheek, whispered into his ear.
Can Grandpa hear? I remembered asking my mom. Maybe, John, she’d replied. Maybe.
IT'S REALLY LOVELY.
I’d decided to visit Jim alone. I’d had enough of my parents. I didn’t want them watching me watch my brother. Besides, I thought they were happy not to be here for one night—even they needed a break. I THINK YOU CAN PUNCH THIS UP, BUT JUST A TEENY BIT. GIVE IT MORE HEART.
I stopped in front of room 212, took a deep breath, and pushed through the door. It was just a few steps to the bed. (My brother had covered those same steps in. But he would never trace them back out - that's a bad example, but find a way to give information about what's going on without telling. This was a fancy way of saying his brother was going to die without saying "my brother is going to die").
Show don't tell. And cut all the extra words. Get to the heart of things more quickly and I think you might have something here.
Right now it reads like a kid who is about to lose his brother. So I'm not hooked. If you punched up the writing, though, I would be.
Sentences are choppy, and I think the story needs to be tightened. Not enough tension..
ReplyDeleteThanks for posting...
I liked your premise. Tighten up the writing and you'll have a great start.
ReplyDeleteI agree with macaronipants. Start with "The only time I'd been in a hospital..." that's a great line.
ReplyDeleteyour first line as it is is.. well obvious...does anyone ever want to be in the hospital?
But I like your premise. Like the rest. Keep at it!
Not hooked. I thought you stopped where you should have started -- when he walks into the room. Eveything until then is your narrator (who I also thought was a girl until I saw 'John')explaining things. In 250 words, nothing happened.
ReplyDeleteHmm....
ReplyDeleteNot hooked, but I could be. I think there is too much "telling" of what is going on. For some reason, it's not coming across as internal monologue to me.
I do like the concept quite a bit. I think you capture well the dislike of young people going to the hospital, and how he feels about it.
I would definitely remove the sentence "I'm seventeen years old".
Keep up with it and good luck!
Not quite hooked. Too much telling up front. The MC doesn't seem to have any heart, but that might be okay if he grows. Even if he doesn't know his brother very well, there should be some feelings for a person dying young, even if it's resentment or hatred. The emotion seems too flat. There are some parts that I thought had a nice touch: "I'd had enough of my parents lately. I didn't want them watching me watch my brother." I really liked that bit.
ReplyDeleteI like the honesty of him not caring about his brother and it intrigues me. I'd like to know more about his feelings. I agree with others that he comes over as a girl and younger than 17. I think you need a more arresting first par.
ReplyDeleteIt needs work...but I'm interested.
This is yet another one that's not hooking me because the narrator sounds too much like an adult. If you're going to write a seventeen year old, then the character needs to SOUND seventeen to the reader. You will lose all claims to authenticity with your readers, if your character doesn't have a realistic voice.
ReplyDeleteI thought the MC sounded younger than 17, so I read SA's comment with interest. I do agree with other commenters that there's too much telling and not enough showing. The first line threw me as well - most people don't want to be in a hospital. I'd start it when something happens - when he walks through Jim's door perhaps. The backstory can come out later - it's called backstory for a reason. You don't need it right up front.
ReplyDeleteI thought you had a very good voice though.