TITLE: BOOBS OVER HOLLYWOOD
GENRE: Fiction--Humor
Elin is anxious for her daughter, Lena, to meet her new boyfriend. He is, she claims, the man she wants to marry. She implores Lena to dress “nicely” to make a good impression on Casey O’Casey. “Mother, tell me his name really isn’t Casey O’Casey,” Lena wails. “Of course it is,” Elin assures her.
Lena didn’t know what to expect when she first met her mother’s new lover, Casey O’Casey, but it certainly wasn’t this. He was dwarf-short with long white hair and full beard. He was dressed in emerald green golf pants, plaid flannel shirt and suspenders. Shrink the bastard, throw a red pointy hat on his fat little head and place him under a mushroom, you wouldn’t be able distinguish tell him from one of the damn garden gnomes he sold and distributed. And this struck Lena as funny. Very, very funny.
Elin twittered nervously. “Say ‘hello’ to Casey, dear.”
As hard as Lena tried to suppress the laughter building up inside her like a bad case of gas, a little gurgling sound dribbled out of her mouth. Maybe if she didn’t look at him, she’d be able to keep from laughing. She squeezed her eyes shut.
“Why’s she squinting like that? Is there something wrong with her eyes?” Casey whispered to Elin.
“Oh, I’m sure she’s fine. My daughter can be a little odd, isn’t that so, Lena?”
Lena opened her eyes and the little troll was still there. Unable to hold it together a second longer, a loud, uncontrollable spasm of laughter erupted. She bit the inside of her cheeks but guffaws continued to escape. She finally managed a breathy “hello.”
Casey studied Lena from her feet up to her head. “You’re a big one. Peculiar, too. A lot different from your mama.”
Miss Snark's First Victim
I like it - it's funny and you get the picture of the guy very vividly
ReplyDeleteIt is funny, and overall well done. The two sentences in the first paragraph that start 'he was' are clangy, though. I'd start the second with 'He wore'. And do drop either distinguish or tell from the next sentence. Don't you hate when a word you've replaced lingers on? :)
ReplyDelete"My daughter can be a little odd, isn’t that so, Lena?” really ought to be two sentences. Other than these minor quibbles, very well done.
I liked this. A funny scenario, with a very understandable reaction. :)
ReplyDeleteThere were a few sentences in the first paragraph that felt, to me, like they were missing a word. I think these instances were likely a stylistic choice on your part, but I would be careful with that. One may work, but three in quick succession had me wondering what was going on. Luckily the rest of the excerpt didn't suffer from the same type of omissions.
Specifically, these sentences:
He was dwarf-short with long white hair and a full beard.He was dressed in emerald green golf pants, a plaid flannel shirt and suspenders.Shrink the bastard, throw a red pointy hat on his fat little head and place him under a mushroom, and you wouldn’t be able distinguish tell him from one of the damn garden gnomes he sold and distributed.I've inserted what felt like "missing" words into the sentences in bold. I don't know that any of these sentences as you've written them are wrong, per se, and I think you could argue stylistic choice, but like I said, having three things like this right after the next jumped out at me. I think the use of such stylistic devices should be used sparingly, if at all.
As a previous critter mentioned, you'll also want to remove either "distinguish" or "tell" from the last sentence in that example. I'd recommend keeping "distinguish".
Other than those very picky nits, well done!
I thought the passage was very funny but I thought Casey's reaction at the end was a little under done. I felt like he should have been a little more suspicious of her snickering (if he's as odd looking as he sounds, she can't be the first person to notice). Maybe it dawns on him a little later in the scene, DtN and all.
ReplyDeleteI thought the scene was funny. Like the previous person, I thought it was odd that Casey doesn't realize he looks funny.
ReplyDeleteYou need to get rid of the verb "twittered." That actually means something specific nowadays.
But keep writing funny stuff.
Mark in the Seattle area
I found very little that I disliked about it. The POV character's thoughts and actions are very natural and understandable.
ReplyDeleteAnd I don't find Casey's final remark unusual. It actually seems to fit the mold of something he would say, from the description you've given.
And yes, it is funny. It's a funny situation and a funny narrative of that situation.
I had a new maths teacher in a new situation like this. We all tried not to laugh, until he said his name. It was Mr. Strange. We all busted up. It was too much!
ReplyDeleteYeah! I'd read more :-)
You have a really good description of Casey O'Casey (heh) and you definitely get a good view of Lena and her relationship to her mother. I did get a little thrown off by the whole "Elin" and "Lena" thing. For some reason, I thought they they were the same person (yes, I did read the set up) and one was a nickname. Weird, but probably just me.
ReplyDeleteThe names in this threw me - Elin and Lena too close, and the Casey O'Casey...that made me raise an eyebrow...
ReplyDeleteBut overall the humor, and the overwhelming nature of her amusement came through well.
Nice POV voice. The non-POV characters feels a little like parody, but I think you can get away with that in a scene like this.
Good luck.
~suki
I liked this and thought the style worked well. I would read more. Nothing major, I think the nits have already been pointed out by others (I ususally don't read the others first but I was curious if others thought it was funny too). I'd keep reading.
ReplyDelete