TITLE: Found
GENRE: Romantic Suspense
Prologue
“You WHORE! You didn’t think I’d find you!” Todd’s enraged voice cut through the air like a jagged knife through flesh, causing her to cower.
He’d found her, not that she wasn’t entirely surprised, but still it’d happened so fast. She dropped the phone she’d had in hand and glanced over at her young son. Poor Jackson he’d be no match against his father. She turned back to the man who’d just busted her parent’s door down and took in his appearance. Dress blues, that wasn’t good. She saw the rage that burned in his eyes as he moved toward her while he held his gun pointed directly at Jackson.
“One move and he’s dead!”
She heard her parent’s footsteps as they ran down the hall to see what the commotion was all about.
“NO! Go back to bed and call the sheriff! RUN!!” She screamed at her parents then grabbed Jackson. She thrust him toward the back door. She glanced back at Todd, making sure he was distracted then leaned down to whisper to her frightened three year old son. “Jack’s this is important. You run and hide. You run as far as you can and hide real good. You don’t come out until Jess or Uncle Trey find you. NO MATTER WHAT!” She grabbed the boy and hugged him. She knew that this was likely to be the last time she’d ever touch her baby again. She only prayed that he’d be spared from his father’s rage.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Yeah, I want to find out what the dress blues are about. Air Force, cop? But there are too many characters. Seven people in the first 250 pages?? Focus on main character and her son. We need to feel her terror.
ReplyDeleteYes I'm hooked.
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure if the second sentence in the second paragraph works wording wise and I think your missing a comma or semi-colon in the third sentence of that paragraph.
I'm also curious about the dress blues thing.
In terms of grammar, this needs editing. You're missing commas in places, and, for instance:
ReplyDelete"Jack's this is important." = wrong
It gets distracting because instead of focusing on what you're saying, I'm focusing on what you're missing as you're saying it. THAT SAID, once you polish it, you've got a strong opening.
Although I do have to agree with the person who said you've introduced way too many characters in such a short space. That's a potential liability.
Best of luck!
Steph
Commenting again to say the sentence I pointed out is wrong because there's no need for the apostrophe-s and you need a comma after Jack. :)
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteFirst tip I'd have is not to write in the past tense. You lose the edge and the reader.
ReplyDeleteNext would be trimming down. See if you can say the same thing, cutting out a 1/3 of what you have written.
Ex.
"You WHORE! You didn't think I'd find you?!" todd said, voice cutting like a knife, causing her to cower.
Notes: we know he's enraged by the words said. You don't need the visual on the air and the knife, the readers know.
Imagine yourself writing about it as it happens, not reflecting on what has happened.
There are gramatical issues that require attention as well, as others have mentioned above.
As for being hooked, there's potential if these issues are addressed.
Good Luck!
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis has potential, but I am SO confused. Where is Todd? Just walking in the door? Where is the MC? In the room with Todd? I pictured Todd, the MC, and Jackson in some room together, with Todd pointing the gun at Jackson. In fact, paragraph 2 says "his gun pointed directly at Jackson." But then ... after he tells her not to move or the kid's dead ... she screams at her parents and grabs Jackson. Was Jackson literally right beside her, or did she have to move to get to him? And wasn't she afraid that any sudden movement would make Todd trigger happy and result in injury to Jackson?
ReplyDeleteAlso, what was Todd distracted by such that he wouldn't see the MC thrust Jackson toward the back door? The MC's parent's footsteps?
Then, after the MC thrusts Jackson toward the door, she grabs him and hugs him. I picture a "thrust" as a push, so I would imagine Jackson to be beyond her grasp, rather than close enough to grab for a final hug (not that I didn't enjoy the final hug, mind you--this was the best emotion in the piece).
I guess my main problem with this piece is that I didn't have a really good grip on what was happening. I felt jarred and ripped around, like I had to keep reimagining the scene in my head. By the time I was finished, I was so confused that I just said, "Whaaa? Where the heck is everybody and what is going on?"
The most interesting part, at least for me, was the line, "She knew that this was likely to be the last time she'd ever touch her baby again" (although I'd probably trim down the sentence some, if it were me, e.g., "She knew this was probably the last time she'd ever touch her baby").
I want to know why Todd is so mad, why the MC ran from him, how long she's been gone, etc. But ... I had to muddle through a confused setting to get to this point.
With some tightening and a little bit more editing, this could be quite enjoyable.
Not hooked because the writing is really rough. I can't suspend disbelief because of it and so I don't get drawn into the scene. You're also telling a lot instead of showing. I dont think it's a good idea to start with dialogue - who is this person speaking and why should I care? The similie of a voice cutting like a knife didn't work for me.
ReplyDeleteFor me, this takes too long. What I mean is the mother (do we even know her name?) has time to think about what her husband is wearing, what to say to her son, that her parents are running toward them.
ReplyDeleteNo, not in real life. She'd be shoving the kid out the door as fast as she could, then getting herself away ASAP.
So, for me, not hooked.
I'm not hooked either. I agree that there are some grammatical issues that need addressing.
ReplyDeleteeg. "Poor Jackson he'd be no match against his father." There should be a comma after 'Jackson'.
I also found the second paragraph too long. As Danceluvr says, she wouldn't have time to do all of that in real life. I found, as a reader, it dragged me out of the story as well. I would suggest paring this down as much as you can. It's a tense scene, it should contain action, not reflection.
I'm not hooked either, but more because of the roughness of the writing, the grammar issues (study sentence structure, semicolons, the difference between plurals and possessive nouns, and comma usage), and the amount of telling. Like another said, I also felt jerked around, from her thoughts to external observations, and back and forth around the room.
ReplyDeleteFind a similar action-packed scene in a NY bestseller that you enjoy, and sit down with a highlighter. Mark the passages that show action, and study them. How is the character's POV and thoughts melded with those action sequences? How does the flow of the "camera" pan around? How does the narrative change when it's a fast-paced scene, as opposed to the slower paced scenes?
Another thing to look at... the number of sentences that start with "she" is way too high. That's a sign of telling. Look at the bestseller again...how, exactly, does that bestselling author portray what "she" did, without starting his/her sentences with "she?"
This is what I do, and it always improves my writing and helps me discover what still needs to be improved. I think your scene will definitely be good, once these things are improved.
I'd read on just to discover what is going to happen. It seems to me that it needs some polishing. Now I write MG so please keep that in mind as you read this. These first 250 words need to be improved before you query. They are the most important words in my opinion. There is a lot of telling. And a lot of people to keep up with. Maybe take out a couple of the characters. Too many in just a first page. The tell vs show issue is big. I like the dress blues mention, which leads me to believe that he wore that alluding to a funeral, her funeral. That is very good! Keep it. I want to know what's going on. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked, sorry. But almost.
ReplyDeleteI do think that with some serious editing this could be good. You've got an interesting premise; exciting stuff is already happening (which is not always the case).
There are two main problems with this opening, though. The first is the language itself: both basic mechanics (misused apostrophes, lack of necessary punctuation) and too much unnecessary explanation.
The second is that there's actually too much happening in this short scene and that too much of it doesn't make sense. For instance, we have Todd pointing his gun at Jackson and saying he'll shoot if the protag moves; then right away we have the protag grabbing Jackson and shoving him out the door, and Todd ... not shooting. Does that mean she knows all along that Todd's totally bluffing and isn't going to shoot Jackson? If so, why is she so terrified of him? Or does it mean that something else scares her more than the idea that Todd will shoot Jackson? If so, what is this thing she's more scared of than seeing her child killed right in front of her? ('Cos I know that would scare the he** out of me.) If you want the reader to believe that Todd's distraction allows the protag to rescue Jackson, then T. needs to be distracted before she grabs J.
The POV is strong and generally clear, which is great. You do have the problem -- fortunately, this is easily fixed -- that the action is too often filtered through the protag: compare "She saw the rage that burned in his eyes as he moved toward her while he held his gun pointed directly at Jackson" with "Rage burned in his eyes as he moved toward her, his gun pointing directly at Jackson"; or "She heard her parent’s footsteps as they ran down the hall to see what the commotion was all about" with "Footsteps pounded down the hall from her parents' bedroom" (there are lots of ways you can rewrite these kinds of sentences, but it's no coincidence that they almost always get shorter).
Also, a nitpick: what are dress blues, and why is it bad that Todd is wearing them?
I'm not hooked. The writing could be tighter. Also, the grammar needs some work. Why does she call her some "Jack's"?
ReplyDeleteI'm almost hooked. I feel the tension and have reasons to keep reading, but there were some things I didn't like. I had a hard time picturing the scene...who is where in the room? And if Todd has already seen both her and her son, is she really going to tell her son to go hide? Would Todd really be distracted enough for her to say five lines and give her son a hug? That part made the scene loose its authenticity. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI, too, am almost hooked for one reason: the dress blues and "that can't be good." Ooooh do tell!
ReplyDeleteBut--like everyone says--too much too soon and the writing is distracting--too many errors.
Much luck!