GENRE: Y/A Fantasy
Looking toward the cliffs, the memories came flooding back. Leandros closed his eyes trying to erase the pain. Only ten years, it seemed like an eternity. He pinched his fingers to his eyes then lowered his hand to gaze once more over the land. “It’s his day as well,” he reminded himself, turning his thoughts to Nikolas, finding it difficult to separate his feelings. It was ten years to the day. The day he gained a son, Nikolas lost a mother, and he lost a wife; the day Kalypso was murdered, struck down in cold blood before his eyes.
Hands on the sill, he could feel his grip tightening. He sighed in frustration, something was different. He stared down at his hands. A sign of weakness or maybe not, he realized he had to move, to do something, anything but stand there. Releasing his hands, he had just begun to turn away when a sobering chill raced up his spine.
No!
Pivoting around, he searched the hills in desperation. Nothing seemed amiss. Rubbing his eyes, he looked again. Something had moved, he was sure of it…big and black, swooping down from the hills.
“Stop it!” he chastised himself, pushing himself away from the window.
Nothing is there…nothing…only the ghosts from the past!
That’s when he heard it, a voice echoing down the hall.
Nikolas?
Moving down the hall, the boy’s voice became clearer. Pausing by the door he listened.
Who’s he talking to?
I'm intrigued. I think the first 2 paragraphs could use just a little more tightening. For instance- the first sentance of the second paragraph might be better suited: "His grip tightened on the window sill and he sighed in frustration; something was different." Just small tweaks like that. I would definitely keep reading!
ReplyDeleteI like fantasy and I think you've got a good story here, but I'm not quite hooked.
ReplyDeleteThe first paragraph is too full of backstory. I think a better place to start would be at "a chill raced up his spine" and he turns to look out the window.
I also had a question about who was talking? He's hearing his son down the hall? If so, then say he heard Nikolas's voice echoing down the hall. I wasn't sure if the line- Nikolas- was his thought or he actually called to his son.
With the first sentence I see your character standing outside near a cliff. Then he's in a building looking out the window. Okay, but then the pivots and he's looking at the hills again.
ReplyDeleteOn this day ten years ago, his son was born, his wife died, and he saw someone murdered. Focus on one thing first.
There is alot of back story here but with a few words taken out here and there it'd be great.
ReplyDeleteBe clear of your surroundings I too thought he was out by a cliff but then realized that he was inside. Easy fix.
I enjoyed it and think it's a great start.
I really like this, but I do have a few suggestions.
ReplyDeleteFirst Paragraph:
Looking toward the cliffs, the memories came flooding back.(Memories come flooding back often in writing. Maybe try to make the phrase more original?) Leandros closed his eyes trying to erase the pain.(Why would he want to erase the pain? Maybe forget, but not erase. He'd have to erase good memories of his wife to erase the pain.) Only ten years, it seemed like an eternity.(Wouldn't this give him more time to recover? Shouldn't it be seeming like only days?) He pinched his fingers to his eyes(I'm not sure what he's pinching-- the bridge of his nose? If so, say that. If not, I'd like this to be a bit clearer.) then lowered his hand to gaze once more over the land. “It’s his day as well,” he reminded himself, turning his thoughts to Nikolas, finding it difficult to separate his feelings. It was ten years to the day.(You've already told us this.) The day he gained a son, Nikolas lost a mother, and he lost a wife; the day Kalypso was murdered, struck down in cold blood before his eyes.(His wife was murdered after giving birth? It's kind of unclear.)
First Paragraph, using suggestions:
Looking toward the cliffs, Leandros tried to staunch the flow of painful memories. A decade had passed, though it seemed like days/Only a decade had passed, though it seemed like an eternity. He pinched the bridge of his nose/cupped his hand over his eyes, then lowered his hand/it to gaze once more over the land.
“It’s his day as well,” he reminded himself, turning his thoughts to Nikolas. It was difficult to separate his feelings. Today was the day, ten years past, that he'd gained a son and lost a wife-- the day Nikolas was born and Kalypso was murdered, struck down in cold blood before his eyes/the day Kalypso was murdered, struck down in cold blood before his eyes.
Second Paragraph:
Hands on the sill, he could feel his grip tightening.(This could be shortened.) He sighed in frustration, something was different.(Different how? And I'd split this sentence.) He stared down at his hands.(You just used 'hands'-- try to mix up word usage.) A sign of weakness or maybe not, he realized he had to move, to do something, anything but stand there.(This is a bit convoluted. I'd think needing to occupy himself to get his mind off the memories would be a perfectly normal response, and not considered weak. Breaking down and crying about it would be considered weak.) Releasing his hands(Used 'hands' again.), he had just begun to turn away when a sobering chill raced up his spine.
Second Paragraph, using suggestions:
He felt his grip tighten on the windowsill. Something was wrong. Leandros sighed in frustration. He had to move, to do something-- anything but stand there. Loosening his hands, he turned away. A sobering chill raced up his spine.
Fourth Paragraph:
Pivoting around, he searched the hills in desperation. Nothing seemed amiss. Rubbing his eyes, he looked again. Something had moved, he was sure of it…big and black, swooping down from the hills.A couple things could be tightened.
Fourth Paragraph, using suggestions:
Pivoting, he searched the hills in desperation. Nothing seemed amiss. Rubbing his eyes, he looked again. He was sure something had moved-- big and black, swooping down from the rise/sky.
There are only a few more things-- I'd change "he chastised himself" to "he yelled", "That's when he heard it, a voice echoing down the hall" to "He heard a voice coming from the hall.", and "Moving down the hall, the boy’s voice became clearer. Pausing by the door he listened." to "Moving closer, the boy's voice became clear. Leandros paused by the door to listen."
Overall, I really liked this. Was I hooked? Yes. Good job. =)
I'm wondering who is the MC here. Is it the father or the son?
ReplyDeleteThe first paragraph is all backstory. Is it necessary for the following scene to know this?
I'm intrigued about the mysterious person/creature Nikolas is talking to. So I guess I'm hooked.
This doesn't work for me, mostly because the sentences structure. There are too many sentences with clauses and phrases stuck in strange places, listed back to back, separated by commas when they need dashes or verbs, etc.
ReplyDeleteAlso, phrases like "he realized" and "turning his thoughts" pull me out of his thoughts, because they're telling me what he's thinking rather than just portraying his thoughts.
I hope this helps!
Okay, I'm not going to say there's a lot of back story here. Since several others did, and I do not like repeating stuff more than twice. I would read on, but I'd like to see action. And I'd change the first sentence to show us he is indoors. It isn't until the second paragraph that I realize he is inside. Not much dialogue. Hardly any. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteI like fantasy, which means you get lee-way, so I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteThe first two paragraphs didn't hook me. In fact, the last sentence of the first paragraph took be right out of the text, because it required too much thought to comprehend.
I like the question of who Nickolas was talking to. I want to know.
I'd keep reading for a bit to see what happens, so I'm half-way hooked. The last line of the first paragraph was confusing. Maybe just say The day he'd gained a son but lost his wife. And the day that Kalypso was murdered....
ReplyDeleteI was also confused about the setting. I thought he was outside.
Good job!
Sorry not hooked. For one, this doesn't read like YA. The protagonist has a son!
ReplyDeleteTwo. Please don't tell me every single little minute action your character is doing. In the first 250 words I want sweeping action. Hands on the sill. Stared down at his hands. Releasing his hand. Pivoting around. Rubbing his eyes. Nothing is happening except I'm falling asleep. Is that what you want an agent to do? Hope not.
Now maybe this is a prologue, hence why your protagonist has a son and a dead wife. But is the prologue really necessay? Most of the time it isn't (been there). And make sure your first 250 words grabs the reader with real action. I suggest you find 10 YA books you love, and analyze the first sentence and then the first 250 words. Next, compare them to yours. It's amazing how much you'll gain from the exercise.
Good luck with it!
...Obviously I wasn't meant to respond because I just got my entire comment deleted before I was able to post it. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, what I had written in that post--that is now floating in purgatory somewhere--was that I wasn't hooked. It's too melodramatic, and I think Stina summed it up best with what she said about not needing to write down everything little thing your protagonist does. Readers can fill in the blank, and you're wasting precious space that could be used to move the story along. The mc isn't doing anything in the opening page; almost nothing at all except a lot of reflection. And I don't see what's at stake. It's a tragic story, yes. A father and son lose their mother. But there's nothing at stake at the present moment in the book. All the bad stuff happened BEFORE the book opened, so why am I reading on now?
Start with tension, or a set up that actually has the character doing something. Maybe start with what Nikolas is saying, because a kid talking to someone when his father thinks no one is in the house is more interesting than said father moping by a window. He cares about his son. It's obvious that he does. So start with that.
Not hooked, sorry, but it takes a LOT to hook me on fantasy.
ReplyDeleteI think some of the best commentary you got here was from KESTREL the AWESOME who clearly reads a ton of fantasy and knows what she's talking about.
I have to say this...the thinking to himself part that is italicized is not necessary. You can write that in in a way that you don't have to italicize...it make the writing seem...immature??? I'm not certain that's the right word, but there you go.
Good luck!