TITLE: The Untamed Court
GENRE: Fantasy (Faerie)
I grimaced at the touch of stringy cobwebs on my fingers. Brushing off
the strands, I thumbed through my mother’s favorite records, big band,
swing, and cabaret. For a moment I forgot about the past weeks as I
looked at them, remembering the last time I saw my mother and father
together. I set the records down, blinking. When they cleared I
noticed a small wooden box resting on the floor next to the wall. It
was shaped like the old lunch boxes but made from wood. Frowning, I
picked it up and turned it over in my hands. The wood was rough, the
box much heavier than I thought it should be. I ran my fingers along
the top, filling the veins in the wood. It was not like any I had
seen before. I couldn’t place it. Mahogany? There was a small latch
on the side. I paused momentarily before lifting it. The lid flipped
open. Dust flew everywhere and I dropped the box, hearing it fall to
the floor as I wiped stinging mites from my eyes. After a few
moments, my eyes stopped watering and I looked down for the box. It
was lying on its side, open. Scattered about the floor of the attic
were letters. A small bundle was wrapped together with a rubber band,
but the rest were loose on the floor. I knelt down to gather them up.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I'd keep reading, I think. I'm curious about the letters, and about "the last time I saw my mother and father together"--was there a death? a divorce? But the writing is a bit confusing. "When they cleared..." sounds at first as though it refers to the records. '..filling the veins in the wood" puzzled me; should that be 'following?' And were the stinging mites actually stinging motes?
ReplyDeleteI found the writing rough and confusing at a few points, too. The "when they cleared" line really threw me.
ReplyDeleteI would also make the music types more distinct by using a colon or dash, like "my mother's favorite records: big band, swing, etc".
That said, I'm still curious and would read on to find out what happened to the parents and what those letters say. The excerpt is compelling, even though it needs more editing.
I'd like to learn more about the box. Do you mean "feeling the veins in the wood"? At first I get the sense that she (or he) is sad, crying, so why is he or she frowning when he or she sees the box? Is this person angry with his or her parents for leaving, dying? I think you want to work on curiosity as the main emotion.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comments! "When they cleared" is supposed to be:
ReplyDelete"I set the records down, blinking. When the tears cleared..."
Mites were supposed to be motes, yes.
Too many 'I's. Set the stage as first person then minimize the use of needing to reference I.
ReplyDeleteToo past tense.
'When they cleared' is a little confusing.
The sentence needs attention...
Dust flew everywhere and I dropped the box, hearing it fall to the floor as I wiped stinging mites from my eyes.
It's a run-on and the dust is suddenly mites. Look to give the reader a transition. If the mites don't play a role, leave it as dust.
Flipping the lid open, the dust flew everywhere, stinging my eyes. Forgetting the box was still in my hands, I reached for my eyes. The box crashed to the floor. When my eyes finally stopped watering, I looked down to see it lying on its side, letters scattered all about.
With the right edits, I might be hooked into reading more.
Hope this helps.
Not hooked. There is no real hook in this excerpt. Nothing makes me feel that I must read on -- there is nothing but a person looking at old dusty records. Start with the bundle of letters -- that at least piques my interest.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Beth that records needs a colon after it. I also agree with pfstekly that there's too much use of the word 'I'.
ReplyDeleteI'm not really hooked. The letters sound somewhat intriguing, but by the time I got to the letters I'd mostly lost interest. It's also hard to read with the lack of white space, though I understand that may not be your fault.
This is another where the sentence structure is distracting me.
ReplyDeleteBrushing off
the strands, I thumbed through my mother’s favorite records, big band,
swing, and cabaret.
This sentence structure means that she/he brushed off the strands and thumbed through the records simultaneously. I think you're imagining her doing one then the other, though. This is a very common grammar mistake now-a-days, but I still hear NY editors complaining about it, so watch out! :-) How about, "I grimaced as I struggled to brush stringy cobwebs from my fingers." Then let her return to thumbing through the records.
"When they cleared..." What are they?
It's redundant to say that a small wooden box was made from wood, so you might want to condense that more.
Her fingers were filling the veins in the wood? Do you mean feeling?
Why did she pause (delete momentarily, pauses are always momentary) before lifting it?
There are some more places in this paragraph that are wordy, as well.
My suggestions? Study paragraph structure, and study some of your favorite best selling authors. How do they portray what's going on through the character's POV? What words do they use to show what's happening, and how do those words not only tell you what they see, but also what they THINK about what they see?
I'd keep going because I like the genre, which always means I give the benefit of the doubt. However, there are some flaws which were touched on above. Also, I would suggest breaking this one massive paragraph into several smaller paragraphs to give the reader more room to breathe.
ReplyDeleteI'm partially hooked. I'd give it another page. The imagery was very vivid and I felt like I was with the mc. There were a few stumbling spots, but all the other comments brought those up already. Good job!
ReplyDeleteThis sounded too much like a grocery list. "I did this. I did that. This happened," and so on. It makes the POV character seem very, VERY detached from what's happening.
ReplyDeleteWhat would help with this are paragraph breaks when you're starting a new thought, and some variation in sentence length to add flavor to the narrative. Right now it feels very wooden and matter-o-fact like.
Show that the box is heavier than she thought by her actually almost dropping it. As it is, it looks like she picked up the box with ease. Also, I'm not really sure if the MC should guess that the wood is mahogany. If the wood and its veins were very strange to the MC, I wouldn't guess it was mahogany, but maybe some other rare and exotic wood. Or maybe something else about the box makes it unusual. But mahogany seems too much like a commonplace type of wood.
I think there's too much passive voice in this excerpt and a lot of backing into your sentences. Like "Scattered about the floor of the attic were letters" instead of "Letters scattered across the floor of the attic." The second sentence implies action.
The actual premise, I would read, because I'm a sucker for mysterious old boxes hidden in attics or basements or sliding walls in an old house, even though it's been done so many times. But the writing stops me from reading further.
Sorry, writing's too rough to hook me.
ReplyDeleteI hope the huge paragraph was just a formatting issue. Otherwise, you need to break it up. It's too daunting as it is.
Get rid of "stringy" in the first sentence. It adds nothing and distracts from the image. Cobwebs are fine not stringy. Spaghetti is stringy.
You have your character brushing off strands at the same time as she thumbed through the records. Is that the image you were really trying to convey, or were you just trying for variety in sentence structure. Be careful how you use gerund phrases.
Is it filling the veins in the wood or feeling the veins in the wood?
You have wood and wooden repeated 4 times in 5 sentences. Yes, we got the idea it's made of wood. Please don't hammer that into our heads.
Too much description not enough real action. I'm falling asleep because nothing is happening. If I'm bored in the first 250 words, I can only imagine what the rest is like.
Now the title is interesting, mainly because I'm a big fan of Melissa Marr and Cassandra Clare (YA if you're unfamiliar with them), and they've used the untamed court idea in their novels.
Good luck! I bet with some work it'll be a lot better. ;)
Good luck!
Oops! Just reread my previous comments. Guess I should have been sleeping instead of critting. But I do hope my comments are useful, even if they were a little blunt. I just didn't want to sugar coat everything, and you won't learn anything from this if I just lie to you. I look forward to reading it again in a future SA contest (after you've reworked it).
ReplyDeleteGood comments, all of them...thanks everyone!
ReplyDeleteThere is something about the story that's intriguing, but the writing is TOO distracting.
ReplyDeleteEXAMPLE:
I set the records down, blinking. When they cleared I
noticed a small wooden box resting on the floor next to the wall. It
was shaped like the old lunch boxes but made from wood. Frowning, I
picked it up and turned it over in my hands.
The records are not blinking.
The records did not clear; your eyes did.
The wall is not shaped like old wooden boxes made from wood.
Too many misplaced descriptors. I would never go back in a real novel and try to figure this out.
Happy editing. :o)