TITLE: Finding Grace
GENRE: Literary Fiction
I didn't ascribe to theories of destiny but on the day that I found myself sitting in my old room going through eight boxes of memorabilia, I knew my life would somehow change. I knew this because the mere sight of the letter that I was holding had sent my head spinning and my heart racing and I suddenly felt that despite what I believed, maybe destiny believed in me.
I instantly recognized it by the way it was folded and how my name was scribbled on the front, in his handwriting. It was the only thing I had ever received from him in writing. I unfolded it slowly, aware of the deep creases where it had been opened and closed many times before, although not at all in the last eight years. The writing was slightly smudged in the middle and I remembered when a single teardrop had once fallen there. That was when my heart started racing and I realized I was holding my breath. No way would I read this. Why would I purposely torture myself? Why did I even still have it?
I guess I had my mother to blame for it. She was the kind of person who saved everything. My childhood was carefully contained in hefty storage totes separated into categories of artwork, special clothing, newspaper clippings, report cards and school papers. I did not inherit my mother’s sentimentalism.
Miss Snark's First Victim
This one is good too.
ReplyDeleteAnother good set up.I can see this scene, this character clearly.
ReplyDeleteBut, I have the same suggestion as the first entry- tighten the writing. None of the "that"s in the first paragraph are necessary.
And then again toward the end of the second para- the entire phrase with that- it's as if your telling us about something in the past but the next sentence is immediate. I'd stick with the immediate. "My heart started racing." Unless this is all a flashback?
One last example "totes seperated into categories of artwork, (etc)" can be said as " totes marked artwok," and the reader understands the seperation, the categories.
I like this. The idea of sifting through old letters is appealing. When I got to the sentence "My childhood was carefully contained in hefty storage totes separated into categories of artwork, special clothing, newspaper clippings, report cards and school papers." I thought, ah, here is a great first sentence that almost has, dare I say, a bit of John Irving in it? Might that work?
ReplyDeleteGood stuff!
I like the conceit but the writing is a little cliched - head spinning, heart racing, destiny believed in me. I'd read on to find out who the letter was from and what it said, but I'd want to find out pretty fast.
ReplyDeleteI can see the scene clearly but for me the best line is the last one - it says so much without any backstory at all.
ReplyDeleteI would continue because of that line, but I also agree that you should switch out many cliches.
Good luck.
I like the idea, and especially enjoyed the writing of the third paragraph. However, the first two paragraphs had a lot of long, mildly awkward sentences.
ReplyDeleteTighten up the first two paragraphs, and then I'd definitely read on.
Loved this...
ReplyDelete*laughing* I think you had me hooked in that midway I was mentally telling the protagonist to shut up and tell us what was in the letter.
ReplyDeleteOffhand, I think watch out for certain cliches like single teardrops, racing hearts, spinning heads.
I do like this and would read on.
I agree about tightening this up. It will pack more punch, and keep the reader from losing interest.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to chime in with those saying to tighten it up. I would get rid of a few adverbs ('suddenly' in the first par and 'instantly' in the second are too close together). The word 'how' in the first line of the second par seems weaker than the rest of the sentence. "No way" in the second par seems more casual than the rest of the writing to me.
ReplyDeleteI also agree with the others that the last paragraph is stronger, and might make a better starting point, or at least a starting line.
I liked it. I'd keep going.
ReplyDeleteI liked the last line, and the part where is said "destiny believed in me."
Agree with the cliches "heart spinning" and "head racing" but I think "destiny believed in me" is a keeper. The paragraph as a whole is a little awkward and could use tightening to make it more clear. I'd chop of those cliches and just say, "I knew this because of the mere sight of the letter." Think that's powerful enough to stand on its own because of the context. I am wondering if you need to say a tear fell on it? Maybe readers could figure that out on their own? I love the scene of totes of childhood memories; I instantly related. I turn 31 tomorrow and I have a storage shed rented, full of boxes from things I've never throw away- I moved it from house to house and finally put it in storage as not to clutter my new place, haha. Okay, I rambled there, but see- you jogged a memory!
ReplyDeleteI didn't find it interesting, but that's because this isn't my genre.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I liked this.
ReplyDeleteI think the first paragraph could be cut to one good sentence, but cutting out the "I knew"s. Then you can get right tothe letter.
Oh I really, really like this. I like the promise of a good deep psychological read. I would definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteI think you could lose a few words and go back and check for a few places where you slip into passive voice like "...the letter that I was holding had sent..." instead say "the letter I held sent..." and this will be great.
Good luck!
Not quite hooked-- I find starting with a protagonist sifting through memorabilia and finding an important letter (or photo, or journal etc) to be a bit overdone and I, personally, would have preferred to get to connect with the character a bit first.
ReplyDeleteThe writing isn't quite unique enough for my taste either-- "I didn't ascribe to theories of destiny ... [but] maybe destiny believed in me" is a little tired.
I agree with Secret Agent on this one. The opening is cliche. It makes me think she's going to reconnect with the writer of the letter and they're going to fall in love again.
ReplyDeleteThis may not be what happens, but it's what this opening makes me think is coming up, and it's just not unique enough to keep me reading.