TITLE: JANE EYRE, BEWARE
GENRE: Young Adult
ACHS Senior Class Motto: Knowledge is the locker and I lost the combination
I didn’t expect to start my senior year of high school with two big losses, but I did. My best friend, Ella, moved to California in June, and my favorite Grandpa moved to heaven in July.
Up to this point in my life, I’ve been pretty calm and organized, working my way to my dream, which is going to Columbia University. My Uncle Donny, who now travels all over the world protecting the environment, went there. He’s been telling me since I was five about how great their law school is.
I just have to go to Columbia because I want to be the best environmental lawyer I can be, and help save the planet. To be honest, I also want to get out of small-town Wisconsin where everybody knows everybody else’s business.
Losing Grandpa and Ella threw me for a loop and my worrying, which I’d pretty much held in check, rocketed up to major league.
So, I’m sitting in homeroom, worrying about how fast the universe is expanding and picturing dark matter colliding, cosmic fireballs hissing, galaxies flying off into space, and blazing supernovas in 3-D. All of these things can happen. I saw it on the Discovery Channel.
To get my attention, my homeroom teacher holds up a piece of paper and stares at me.
When I point to myself, he nods.
Oh geez, a note for me, I don’t like that.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I'd like to see more showing and less telling. We have a lot of information up front, which is good, but I feel like the MC is trying to explain her whole life on the first page. I'd cut the second and third paragraphs, and probably the fourth, and let that information come out over time.
ReplyDeleteThe first four paragraphs are backstory, where you cram in three characters and two settings (Columbia, Wisc.). Reads like an info-dump.
ReplyDeleteThe action begins in homeroom. You should begin there, too.
Yes, too much telling, not enough showing. Also she sounds like a real goody goody.
ReplyDeleteThe story didn't start until 5 paragraphs in. What happens after that I wanted to know, so imho, maybe you just need to begin where the story actually starts? Backstory can be woven in later.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I liked the first line. Losing your locker combo was always one of my fears in school. LOL.
I wouldn't keep reading. You lost me after the first paragraph. The voice just doesn't sound authentic. What high school senior says "my grandpa moved to heaven?"
ReplyDeleteAh! I missed this one earlier.
ReplyDeleteI recognize this novel and have seen later chapters of it - which I do like. :]
This beginning though doesn't exactly hook me. It feels like background.
I agree with what others have said regarding too much telling in the beginning. I'd start this story with a scene and fill in all the backstory later. Find a way to show, through dialogue or action, the MC's growing anxiety and grief over his/her losses.
ReplyDeleteI think this could make an interesting story. Getting into college and stress about figuring out what to do with your life are themes that appeal to YA readers. I also think its interesting that this character wants to go into enviromental law.
I think this is an interesting story... but I think you should start it right here:
ReplyDeleteTo get my attention, my homeroom teacher holds up a piece of paper and stares at me.
When I point to myself, he nods.
Oh geez, a note for me, I don’t like that.
That gives me the age of the MC, the setting of the story... and a little insight into the MC- they are getting a note, and it worries them... so they might be a bit of a worry wart, etc.
I hope that helps! I think you have good stuff here, though!
Not very hooked. I love the ACHS senior class motto, but everything in between that and "To get my attention..." wasn't much fun to read. Could you incorporate this back story into the main action in bits and pieces?
ReplyDeleteP.S. I do think the title is intriguing. That alone might make me read on...but I wonder if very many teenagers will have the same reaction.
The voice is interesting, but seems younger than 17 to me....grandpa moving to heaven, I want to be the best environmental lawyer I can be, and help save the planet.
ReplyDeleteAlso, is it important that I know that grandpa died and that MC wants to go to Columbia Law School on the first page or can it be incorporated later? (It is hard for me to judge because page 2 may make it more clear.)
I feel like you've got an interesting something going on here, and I can feel that character -- like the voice, by the way -- but it seems a little scattered. A bit more focus might help.
ReplyDelete"I want to be the best environmental lawyer I can be, and help save the planet." -- Seriously? Or is that just what she tells people to conceal the desire to move.
The voice of this feels very young to me - far younger than a high school senior, maybe even young for a high school freshman.
ReplyDeleteIt also felt a bit all over the place - like the character had ADD and was jumping from topic to topic.
In all, if I picked it up in the library, I probably wouldn't read on. But if you were in my crit group, I'd suggest focusing in on smoothing out the narrative to transition more logically from idea to idea, and work on revising this first page to focus on one aspect of her character, and get in some action.
good luck.
I like the motto first sentence and the first paragraph, even though it did sound young about gpa. I would cut the next three para's and begin in homeroom.
ReplyDeleteIn my honest opinion, I think this was a little boring.
ReplyDeleteIt needs some kind of conflict, tension, or mystery that will get the reader interested in the book.
This would make me drop the book back on the shelf and move on.
(I know it's harsh, but you need to hear it before you try to query it.)
Keep editing! You'll get there!
Who knows...maybe the Secret agent will feel differently. ;P
Even before reading the other comment, my first reaction was that the voice feels too young. I didn't buy that anyone in HS would say some of these things - sounded more MG to me.
ReplyDeleteI lihe her voice a lot though in the para that begins, So I'm sitting in homeroom. That sounded more authentic to me.
Hope that helps.
I'm hooked. I like this character; the earnestness, the worrying, the losses. And I like getting a chance to know and care about the character before anything drastic starts happening.
ReplyDeleteI liked the motto but then you lost me a bit with the backstory. The voice isn't necessarily too young. High school seniors aren't all jaded and worldly. She may have had a sheltered and innocent upbringing.
ReplyDeleteI like the 'cosmic fireballs' paragraph. It shows over-the-top worrying, but agree that the interest starts with her getting the note and not liking it.
This doesn't start out with a bang which I usually like but for some reason I'm definitely interested in learning more about this character and what is going to happen to her.
I was hooked on the title and first line, but then you lost me.
ReplyDeleteHave some action first then weave in the backstory, but not in huge chucks like this. It doesn't compel the reader to go any further. Despite the great title and first line, I would have put the book right back on the store shelf and looked for something else.
Sometimes little things jump out at me because they seem unlikely. In this case, it was Uncle Donny telling his five year-old niece that Columbia has a great law school. My mind tried to picture that conversation (my youngest is just a bit older), and it made me laugh.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, start with the note, it's a more compelling hook than the woe-is-me stuff.
Good luck!
Not hooked--the voice feels a little off (too young for the MC to be a HS senior) to me.
ReplyDeleteAlso, there is some internal confusion about her motivation to go to Columbia for law school-- she could go anywhere after high school for undergrad pre-law (or anything) and still go to Columbia law school.
I have to disagree with just about everybody. I liked it. I didn't think the voice was too young. I thought the Grandpa line was clever, and when she's sitting in class, she's thinking about dark matter, galaxies, super nova's, so I didn't have a problem with the age/voice.
ReplyDeleteAnd you got to the point right away. We know who she is, what she wants, and what her problem is.
I don't feel like this will be about getting into law school. I'm thinking this will be how she adjusts to the changes in her life. I'm seeing a character driven novel, rather than a plot-driven novel.
I would change the ending pargs with the teacher, to action and dialogue, though. The shift from telling will take us from her reminiscing and put us squarely into the present action.
I'd read more.
I really love the voice. It felt very satisfying because it was conversational and brought me into the story - but wasn't overly staccato or chatty. I kept holding my breath, thinking it become one or the other - but you kept it balanced and refreshing. Also, I think about dark matter all the time.
ReplyDeleteI may be in the minority but I'd have definitely read on.