TITLE: Freshman Failures
GENRE: Young Adult Fiction (Not S/F)
All those stories you read about people reinventing themselves in the summer between middle school and high school are total crap. Urban legends. Whatever you were in eighth grade was what you would be in ninth grade and would be for the rest of your high school career. Once a jock, always a jock. Once a prep, always a prep. Once a nerd, unfortunately, always a nerd.
Holly Samuels was aware that most people probably thought she was just average, if they bothered thinking about her at all; they would say she was funny or smart or that she played the tuba. Okay, so in all honesty, she knew it was pretty likely that with that trifecta of descriptors she had moved beyond the realm of average into another territory all together. She was counting down the days until she could quit playing this ridiculous game of social charades, the time when it was cool to be smart, but Holly knew that none of that happened until after high school. Not so bad, only four years to go.
Holly took one last look at her schedule and shoved it into her messenger bag, even though she knew she wouldn’t need to look at. Two weeks before, when she had received the final version of her schedule in the mail, she had spent hours studying her class list and locker combination and had memorized it all using a mnemonic device. She didn’t want to be caught having to look at her schedule in the hallway or going into the wrong class; she knew that people who teetered on the edge of being a nerd couldn’t run the risk of looking nerdy—especially on the first day of school.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Hmmm.... I sorta like this, but I'm not sure if I'm hooked. I like your voice, but I'm not entirely hooked by the character trying to be perfect on the first day of school. I think this is one of those that I'd flip around to the back summary to see what it's about. :]
ReplyDeleteI like the voice, but I feel as if I've seen this before. I would keep reading, but I'd be looking for some kind of new twist on the idea of a girl trying to be popular.
ReplyDeleteI really liked the first sentence. It caught my attention right away there, but as I continued to read, the voice felt like it changed and lost me. Imho, there's some wavering in the situation. At first, it sounds like the MC hates the "social charades" then the last sentence of the 2nd para says maybe not. So I'm not sure what she's thinking. Not hooked, sorry.
ReplyDeleteThere are a couple really great details in this section which could help the character gain substance and uniqueness, but the voice feels a little distant, and the set up so common in the genre that it washes out those great details.
ReplyDeleteFor example, I love her studying her schedule and using a mnemonic to memorize it, in hopes of not looking any nerdier. But dropped in at the end, and after some less unique details (like the standard social commentary), it doesn't standout or seem as interesting.
I'd be tempted to revise to start somewhere else - the social commentary can work as a staple of YA, but up front it makes this seem like nothing new. I think to hook the reader, it needs to be fresh up front. And anything that can pull the reader in a bit more, because it does feel a little distant, would also improve the hook.
good luck.
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ReplyDeleteFirst-day-of-school beginnings are starting to seem just as cliche as waking-up-in-the-morning beginnings. Three out of these nine are.
ReplyDeleteYour writing flows well. The only things that jumped out at me was a few more paragraph breaks that need to be in there.
But I'll suggest what I did for one of the others. (The third--#8--did exactly this, and it hooked me.)
Think about what your hook really is. What sets this story apart from the thousands of other awful-year-at-school stories, and what is the first scene in your story that shows that difference? ie: In which scene of your story does the story leave the typical awful-year-at-school plot line and move into the this-story-is-different plot line? That is where I'd start this story. Everything before that moment will then be backstory, which you'll filter in every so subtly (avoiding the infamous backstory-dump, of course).
In your story, the tuba-playing is a little different. If that's a major element to the plot, play it up. Start us with a scene where she's got the tuba, and it contributes to the scene in a way that all those of us who have never played the tuba could never have imagined. That will be different and hook us.
Best of everything!
Hi there. I agree with a lot of what others already said. The first line pulls you in. But, I did think it was a lot of telling and not showing. The last paragraph is good- perhaps you could start there? Then you can get into her thoughts as she is unlocking her locker for the first time? Also- I was curious about the mnemonic device. Maybe tell us what she used- that'd be something neat to add on and show us a little of her personality. I think putting her at the locker first would be good- another idea would be to have her look around at other students- she notices Bob- once a jock, always a jock. And Staci, once a prep, always a prep. This way, we see the school, we see classmates and still learn about Holly and still making the point you want to make about nobody changing.
ReplyDeleteGood voice throughout. I like the tuba line- that was the first place I visualized Holly. That paints a good picture, as a flute or sax are common, but a tuba is big and I pictured this tiny, nerdy girl engulfed in brass. : )
Overall, I think this has potential- just think you need more action at the beginning and a little more showing. Make us want to know more about Holly- I think personally, I was most curious on IF she wanted to change over the summer and was unsuccessful, or if she didn't care... not that it needs to be revealed immediately, but since I have a question like that, I guess you could say I wanted to read on.
Too much talk and no drama at all. The tuba is the most interesting thing, but I have no idea where thisn is going or why I should read on. Also I'm not sure about the omniscent narrator voice in the first par. It's a bit 19th century.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked. I'd probably like it more in first person, though!
ReplyDeleteI like it a LOT...
ReplyDeletebut... I think it starts in the third paragraph... the rest is kinda back story. :)
I like your character a lot, but there are a few things that throw me off. The first is that the opening paragraph isn't really necessary. It's all speculation, and it doesn't tell me who the character is or why I should care about them. Your second paragraph gets better. You introduce the MC and I love some of the sentences about her...especially when you get into the trifecta of descriptors. But, clever writing aside, I think your real story is in the third paragraph.
ReplyDeleteIf you start there, the reader can figure out by themselves that your MC is teetering dangerously between the worlds of the cool kids and total nerds. Personally, I like to figure things out by myself, which is why I like this more. Plus, I learn more about her by her actions (memorizing everything with memory devices is great characterization!).
If you started with paragraph #3, I think you'd have me hooked.
It reads flat to me so far, only because the character is average. And average to me is boring. At the bottom of the social rung or at the top, characters are more interesting.
ReplyDeleteIf the jacket flap tells me something more interesting, I'd read on because of the good writing.
I like your writing--easy to read. But the tuba, to me, is trying too hard. MC's uniqueness has to be deeper than that.
ReplyDeleteAnd to be honest, you lost me at "once a jock, always a jock." It IS possible to change social status between middle school and hs. I witnessed it myself: a pudgy, goody-two-shoes chorus girl friend of mine transformed herself over a summer into a smoking hot babe with all the skills necessary to make the cheerleading squad. Diet, classes, makeup and hair makeovers, new clothes--I don't know how or why she did it, but she did. I can give you her name, that's how much of an impression it made on me. It was an amazing 180° evolution that changed her social status completely, over one summer. (Whew! Haven't thought about her in years!)
So what I'm saying is when you lay down a "truth" that's "self-evident," make sure it's true--or let us know you're about to prove it isn't.
Otherwise, a good effort. Just the one hiccup there that kept me disconnected from your MC. Keep working on it!
I liked the first paragraph. Even though the commenter above has pointed out that these kind of transformations can and do happen, I imagined this was the voice of the MC, who truly believed what she was saying.
ReplyDeleteThen I got to the next paragraph and realised that it was third person, which threw me off. Whose opinion is that in the first par then? Also, your second par seemed contradictory to me. She says she's average, but then apparently she is funny and smart, which isn't average. Then she wants to quit playing social charades, which implies that she's pretending that she's not smart, when she is. This contradicts what she said before, that people would think of her as smart.
I liked your third paragraph, but it doesn't fit with your first. Perhaps you could end your first paragraph with a sentence saying, "At least, this was the opinion of ninth grader Holly Daniels." That would tie in the first and third person voices. I think you could chop the second par altogther. We'll find out all that info about her soon enough.
Lastly, do kids still receive their schedules in the mail these days? This is an honest question. As I read the sentence it made me wonder.
Anyway, yes, I'm hooked.
I think you've got a great voice here, but I liked the first para better b/c it seemed to be in 1st person. I'm not as much a fan of 3rd person - you somehow lose connection to MC. Have you considered doing the story all from Holly's POV?
ReplyDeleteI'm not hooked, mostly because I feel like I've read this story many times before. Start with something more exciting than looking at a schedule, perhaps?
ReplyDeleteNot hooked yet. I think it has a great first line, but I think it would have to be going somewhere really interesting for me to keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI wonder if this would be stronger dumping the 2nd paragraph? The line "she knew that people who teetered on the edge of being a nerd couldn’t run the risk of looking nerdy" is a lot stronger than that whole paragraph and, w/ the exception of being a tuba player, tells us almost as much about Holly.
I didn't like the narration style. I start off believing I'm hearing the MC's thoughts, then I learn they're the narrator's. Then the narrator proceeds to tell me the story.
ReplyDeleteI don't want to hear your MC's story. I want to see her live it. I want to be there with her. Perhaps consider losing the narrator?
And perhaps start the story with the event that makes things different?
I liked it. Not completely hooked yet, but the voice is interesting enough to keep me reading.
ReplyDelete