TITLE: Prodigal Son
GENRE: Adult Literary Fiction
My father the consummate preacher could dole out simple, sound-byte advice from the pulpit. The style minimized the amount thought required by the listener.
You choose to win, instead of sin.
Sin may gratify, but it won’t satisfy.
You have to have a test to have a testimony.
Only Jesus can fill the hole in your soul.
This signature speech was one of the qualities that shot him to fame. It was bumper-sticker religion. People remember bumper-stickers.
But he could never be that concise with his children. You had to work for it. Dig for the lesson. There was no Sunday morning summing up on any topic for me or my sister. No, you got his go-to answer which often kept me from knocking on his office door: Go outside, son, and look at nature. See how God has dealt with the problem. His oft repeated refrain was that “most questions were already answered in nature if people would just look for them.” A favorite example being when Da Vinci examined the graduated twists of a Conch shell and was inspired to design the spiral staircase in a French king’s chateau. In my childish way of thinking, I remember thinking he was trying to make me feel stupid. Perhaps his intent was to keep me from asking about anything. I know I stopped asking after his advice in dealing with a high school crush was to find an answer by looking at a waterfall from the underside.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I love the phrase "bumper sticker religion". Great image. I'd be tempted to use it in the first line to really draw in the reader. -- My father - bumper sticker religion at its best... or something like that.
ReplyDeleteI found the long paragraph a bit long, and I think you could tighten it up a bit, but you've got an interesting beginning.
I'd read on, but I'd hope for slightly "tighter" writing. Hope that helps.
I like this. :]
ReplyDeleteI'm currently editing my own work, so I mentally moved the quote to the beginning and reworded the first paragraph and 'broke' up the long paragraph....
But I'd read on.
I liked this. I get a good sense of character and conflict right up front. I would read on.
ReplyDeleteSmall nit - "The style minimized the amount thought required by the listener." I think you are missing an "of" in there.
Sorry, I wasn't hooked. I liked the idea of it, but wished there were more examples instead of being told what happened. You know, a tad more "show" right off the bat to balance a bit of the "tell."
ReplyDeleteGood luck! It does seem like a good story about a father.
It's sound-bite, not byte (at least it is in England!)
ReplyDeleteI liked this, although I'd like to have more of an idea of the story and the relationships. Maybe the conch shell story needs to come later.
Pretty interesting start. I'd definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteFor some reason the line "I know I stopped asking after his advice in dealing with a high school crush was to find an answer by looking at a waterfall from the underside" really bothered me. I think this is the narrator being funny (rather than quoting something his dad actually said), but, for me, it broke the narration and took me right out of the story.
ReplyDeleteUnless I was particularly intrigued by the synopsis, I probably wouldn't keep reading.
I love this opening. Your bumper-sticker religion really grabbed my attention and you've got a great voice. That said, I think you could tighten this up and really have a winner.
ReplyDeleteFor example: In my childish way of thinking, I remember thinking he was trying to make me feel stupid. You use thinking twice in this sentence and it made the sentence feel too bulky, imo. Try trimming it. "In my youth, I remember thinking he was trying to make me feels stupid." -- That's just one way of doing it.
And you repeat the nature bit. You only need to tell us the father's thoughts on nature once. Either in the italics, when your MC is remembering his father's words or in the direct quote of his "oft repeated refrain." Repetition like that always annoys me because it's sticking on one point instead of furthering the idea/plot. Keep your story moving, especially on the first page!
There's a lot of good stuff, but it didn't hook me. I really liked the bumper sticker religion (having lived in Oklahoma, I saw a lot of it).
ReplyDeleteBut the last paragraph didn't work for me, mostly because the tone gets really dry and analytical. "oft repeated refrain", "A favorite example being", "In my childish way of thinking, I remember thinking" (word repeat), "Perhaps his intent" ... all very formal and not emotionally engaging for me.
I liked this, but I'd tighten it up a little. And the last paragraph is a lot of words at once. Having said that, I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteI like the style and voice, but agree that it needs polish.
ReplyDeleteI like the conflict you portray within the main character as well and externally with his father, but I'm not sure someone who hasn't been a preachers kid would be able to spot those carefully placed nuances.
ReplyDeleteThat last sentence is awkward and even after stopping to figure out what you were trying to say, when I reread the hole thing a second time I had to figure it out again. Maybe you could say, "When he told me to study the underside of a waterfall to learn how to deal with a high school crush, I stopped asking his advice."
I'd read on a bit more.
I liked it. The last sentence read awkward and could probably be rewritten as two sentences for easier reading, but I liked the image.
ReplyDeleteMy only issue was, even though I knew the MC was a man, I kept thinking woman. It didn't feel like a man talking to me.
Hooked.
I found this really interesting. A lot of unique details such as the "bumper sticker religion" and the mention of Da Vinci and the conch. I'm intrigued by the narrator's reflections and insight and would continue reading to learn more about where the story's going.
ReplyDeleteThere were a couple of awkward moments: The four slogans could have been parsed down to two or three so that part didn't break the narration as much. "Sunday morning summing up on any topic" -- I got the gist of it, but the sentence took some getting used to. Same issue with "oft repeated refrain".