TITLE: DESIGN FLAW
GENRE: Romantic Suspense
The odor wafting through her office door nearly brought Ali Bingham-Smith to her knees. She looked up, way up, at Jimmy Yu who covered his nose and mouth with his hand.
"Eww. Cupcake, what are you keeping in here?"
Ali narrowed her eyes, "Yeah, this is the odor I aimed for when I left yesterday."
Although she couldn’t see his mouth, Jimmy’s eyes smiled as he shooed her inside, "So, go find out what it is."
"My hero." She didn’t recognize the smell, but it made her skin crawl. Stacked boxes crowded the normally neat room.
With a sigh, Jimmy crossed into the office behind her. "All this stuff’s been delivered since yesterday?"
"Guess so. I didn’t check on things after I set up at the Sneak Peek last night. Knew I’d pay for that."
"Slacker. You only worked, what, seventeen hours yesterday? And been down at the damn hotel since six this morning. I can’t believe you were too lazy to open these boxes. It’s amazing Bingham Fashions didn’t fire your a**."
"Helps being the baby sister, I guess. These look normal: fabric, leathers, catalogues, thread, samples, zippers. Nothing smelly." The odor intensified towards the back of the room. "It’s worse here, Jimmy." She swallowed hard and rounded her desk. "It’s gotta be one of these."
Jimmy moved closer to rest a hip on the edge of the desk. He leaned down, then nudged the box next to him. "Yuck, this is it. Glad it’s not addressed to me."
Miss Snark's First Victim
I'm hooked. I want to know what's in the box.
ReplyDelete(Suddenly, I feel like Brad Pitt in the movie "Se7en." What's in the box?)
The writing is good, clean, moves forward. The only bit that confused me was the "My hero," line. It seemed out of place without a dialogue tag. That's pretty minor.
Feel strangely compelled to keep reading...
ReplyDeleteAnd I didn't find the "my hero" line confusing, maybe just a little overused, but definitely appropriate under the circumstances.
Good job, I'm hooked.
I'm pretty sure I know what's in the box, from the second paragraph. Romantic Suspense says it all. :-)
ReplyDeleteYour dialog is really good. There were just a few things that I'd edit.
And I suppose, whether or not I would be hooked would be whether it's "just another body" or if there's something really intriguing about it, or about the label, or something.
I agree with others, love the dialogue. You have really nice pacing and I'm intrigued by your setup. (Though I would SO not open that box myself!)
ReplyDeleteHooked. I'm convinced a dead rotten body is in the box...
ReplyDeleteThat said, I'm a little confused about their reaction to the smell. Too calm until the ending part where they got closer. I'd have thought she'd be scanning around and unpinching her nose as she checks out the leathers (real leather coats do absorb nasty odors sometimes).
I'd like more detail about the smell. So disgusting that they are retching? Like rotting fish? Leather can smell pretty strong, does it smell like it could be that? It doesn't really ring true to me as a really bad smell...there'd be some embarrassment from him surely, as to whether it was something to do with her? Also not sure how old they are.
ReplyDeleteI do like the idea of starting this way and there is potential, but the dialogue felt stilted and unreal at times- it pulled me from the story.
ReplyDeleteI'm not quite hooked just yet because I'm not feeling the suspense. Your heroine seems too casual here and if something is dead/rotting in a box (which I'm assuming it is) that smell would be really horrible and I think that smell would trigger a much tenser reaction.
ReplyDeleteHooked - what terrible thing is inside the box? Loved the dialogue and the tone.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked. I want to know what's in the box. But if it's something too ordinary, I'd probably put it down.
ReplyDeleteI kind of agree with Cynthia, although I don't think it's the lack of suspence that's missing. It seems more like it's her sense of trepidation. She is too blase about this, and if it doesn't worry her, why should it worry me?
Maybe work is a sense of foreboding about what might be in the box, or of opening it. If she's not feeling emotions, we're not either, and that's when you lose your readers.
Not hooked. The beginning line is too well used... "nearly brought Ali Bingham-Smith to her knees." so I had a little bit of negativity and then I reached "but it made her skin crawl" and my mind was made up.
ReplyDeleteGood dialog however and I liked the interplay between them.
True problem? I just watched a "Closer" episode with a body in a cooler delivered to her desk. The intro was the best piece of screen writing (award winning IMHO) so you were really playing against a stacked deck--no matter what is in the box. Which is just plain bad luck... Sorry, but I assume agents run into the same problem.
Interesting start...but I'd want more description of the smell.
ReplyDeletei thought the dialogue was snappy and works well.
I don't normally read romantic suspense, but I'd sure like to know what's going to happen here!
Good, moves along, but the characters are too casual. If the box has a Smell from Hell, they would be a lot more apprehensive.
ReplyDeleteI think this is a case of "it's me, not you," but I wasn't hooked...it just didn't jump out at me in a substantial way. I'm sorry I don't have anything better to say than that. I suspect if there was a query with a good pitch, I *would* be hooked by the quality of writing.
ReplyDeleteHi - author here :) Thank you all for the time you took to critique this hook. I appreciate all the comments and will take them to heart. Thanks!
ReplyDeleteRecently, my cat brought in a chipmunk, and it died in a crowded storage room. It took me four days to find its body because the room smelled so bad I couldn't stay in it, even with all the windows open and a fan running, for more than ten minutes at a time.
ReplyDeleteI could taste the stench for an hour after I left the room.
A chipmunk is smaller than a man's hand. If there are human body parts or a part in that box, we are talking vomiting and an immediate exit as soon as you open the door of the room.
To improve the hook of the first line of dialogue, I'd change it to "Ewwww, Cupcake, what died in here?"
Since this is romantic suspense, the reader will realize immediately what has died in there.
Semi-hooked. I like your dialogue but agree that I'd like more detail on the smell and that they seem just a little too casual. Is it so bad that they open the window? What do they think it smells like? That said, I would definitely keep reading to find out what's in the box.
ReplyDeleteI don't handle romantic suspense so I wouldn't keep reading, but I will say the dialogue is strong, there's some good, immediate action and it sounds like a classic beginning to a suspense novel. I'm guessing the thing in the box is a body part, and a murder in the first chapter is a bit of a pet peeve for me--one reason why I don't do mysteries or suspense--but there are plenty of other agents who'd go for this, depending on the query letter.
ReplyDeleteThanks Secret Agent & everyone else who read and commented. I really appreciate the advice and comments. I've made some tweaks based on your advice and I think the opening is sronger now. Big thank you!
ReplyDeleteP.S. - it's not what you expect, but I think you'd approve :)