TITLE: To Know Who You Are
GENRE: Time-Travel Romance
Pennsylvania, 1995
A sword wasn't the type of thing you expected to find in a kitchen at dawn. Cabinets, yes. Dirty dishes, maybe. But a massive broadsword?
Kyra rubbed her eyes and looked again. Yes, she was still in her best friend’s kitchen, and she was still facing a sword that was nearly as tall as she was.
She knew a little about swords, thanks to her father’s collection. This one looked a lot like the one over the fireplace in her father’s study, with the downswept arms and quatrefoils of the old Scottish broadsword. But her father’s had the bright, perfect edge of a sword recently forged. This one…didn’t.
She took a few steps closer, moving so as not to cast her shadow on it, and touched a scar on the cross guard. She traced the worn wood of the grip and allowed her fingers to curl around it.
Her breath caught, as the buttery walls faded and a strange scene unfolded.
In front of her stretched a forest, dimly lit and thick with shadows. Men sat on boulders and fallen logs--men dressed in the tunics and plaids that her Medieval Scot ancestors had worn. Some sharpened swords. Others waxed bowstrings. Still others merely watched her.
She froze, lightly holding the sword point down in what was now dirt, as several men rose and approached an unseen someone standing next to her.
Miss Snark's First Victim
The opening is great - it had me very curious.
ReplyDeleteIf it's a Scottish broadsword, would it be heavy for her? Would she be able to hold it lightly with one hand? These questions held me up just a little as I read.
I'm not completely hooked, but would read on another page or two to see if I could get hooked in more.
I like the concept of this opening -- and I'm very partial to swords. :-)The problem I have is that it's such a static, "telling" opening. Sure, she teleports (or whatever) to another time, which is pretty cool. But you describe the kitchen, the sword, and then the people sitting around when she arrives. If she turns up in the middle of sixteenth century Scotland (or wherever), people aren't just going to be sitting there. Don't tell me what they look like. Show me what they do. I think it will bring your opening to life.
ReplyDeletehooked. I am wondering, though, how she can hold a sword that large?
ReplyDeleteI like time-travel stories (Dr.Who addict) and I like the notion that the MC can pick up a sword and it takes her back in time.
ReplyDeleteI do, however, agree about the Broadsword...they are massive!
I'd want to read on because I'm curious to see how it unfolds.
You drew me in with your first senetence and paragraph. The voice comes across as a bit snarky (in a good way) in the first paragraph, and then changes to a more serious tone. I don't think you want that transition.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the other comments - is she easily able to hold such a sword??
I'd read a bit further at this point.
Good job.
S
Not precisely hooked... I think you began too soon and I needed more setup. And
ReplyDeleteOne thing - where was the sword? On top of the counter or kitchen table? Stuck in the floor?
*Sorry - I took a phone call over here and then sent my comment before I realized I didn't finish my sentence. s[
ReplyDeleteWhat I meant to say is you might want to give us at least a chapter before sending her back in time. I know the rule is you want to start at the action asap, but I felt a bit rushed here. I wanted time to connect to the character.
The other thing is this also feels like a YA. She sounds like a teen.
FYI, since everyone's mentioning it.
ReplyDeleteEven though they were huge, they've very light. Like under 6 lbs. She could quite easily hold it steady in the dirt. Anyone could.
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI'll post a little more, since I don't know if people will believe me. (Not sure why I posted Annonymous a minute ago.)
ReplyDeleteThe Scottish broadswords were known for their length and their lightness. The combination of the two allowed the Scots to wield them with amazing speed. And amazing speed and a long reach meant a deadly weapon.
The whole "heavy" factor comes into play when you're trying to hold it extended from your body. That's physics...the 5-6 lbs begins to feel like many times more.
If you go onto websites for swordsmiths who make these, you'll see...they rarely weigh over 6 lbs, and often weigh under 5!
Liked the concept, but I feel the writing needs a little more work. Within the first few sentences the word "sword" was used so much it became distracting- try combining things a little more. Also... I'm confused by whether or not the men can see her when she travels. At first it seems like they can, but then they don't have any reaction. Seems like if they could see her they would scream and run or try to kill her or something.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked.
ReplyDeletePoint of order, as SCA men have told me. Never a sword point in the dirt, rest it on your boot. :-)
The transition was very--boring. I would have liked more detail. How exactly does she move from this time to that one? And wouldn't the sword in her hand have been terribly heavy? I'd think she would fall into the new time zone. LOL
I'm half hooked. This could still be stronger.
ReplyDeleteWhere was the sword when she first sees it? Yes, it's in the kitchen, but where?
And you may know about swords, but does the average reader? I was all set to say, how could she hold the sword if it was so big, but you've explained it, so now I know, but if I had been reading the book, I wouldn't know. Perhaps you need to get that info into the story (how light it actually is.)
And I agree with Meg about her transition into the other world. It needs more. It should stand out as something extraordinary, and it doesn't.
And can these men see her? Are they doing anything besides sitting around? If they're doing stuff, it gives you the opportunity to set the scene in that world in a better way than simply describing it.
I'd give it a few more pages, but it would have to have a little more oomph to hold me.
Thank you, everyone. That's a good point about not mentioning that it's leaning up against the door. It was in that in an earlier draft, but someone disappeared in the millions of edits.
ReplyDeleteAs for the weight of the sword...I had no idea so many people thought they were so heavy! Seriously! I'm going to have to think on how to "fix" that. (Truthfully, a sword so heavy that she couldn't keep it from falling over would be too heavy for even a huge man to use, wouldn't it?)
About the transition and the "traveling" comments that I've gotten so many of....
In the next three paragraphs, the scene fades and she's once more standing in the kitchen. Then you know it's a vision, and she hasn't traveled back in time. (Yet.)
How does this change/affect your perceptions of why there wasn't more description of how she traveled?
Thanks so much, everyone!
It makes me think you need to make that clear. Even if we had more to read, we still wouldn't know it was a vision until we got to that other part. Maybe. SO you have to make it clear that it's a vision here. Either do it with words (she says or thinks it's a vision or you say something like 'the vision faded') or put it in italics.
ReplyDeleteI want more showing, more description, maybe even the mc talking to herself before the sword melts the buttery walls of her friend's kitchen. I feel like I've read a lot of books like this, though, so you really need to make your heroine stand out as unique.
ReplyDeleteLOL, as soon as I read this I knew someone was going ask how she could pick up such a "heavy" sword. This is probably mostly due to books, movies and other media misrepresenting the weight of a large weapon like a Scottish claymore, which wouldn't have weighed more than ten pounds.
A historical society called ARMA has an enlightening article on the subject on their website by J. Clements in case anyone is curious.
"As for the weight of the sword...I had no idea so many people thought they were so heavy! Seriously! I'm going to have to think on how to "fix" that."
ReplyDeleteThat's easy. Expecting the huge sword to be heavy, Kyra uses both hands to pick it up, and is amazed at how light it turns out to be.
This is great fun. The first paragraph hooked me. I would continue reading, but it needs more details.
My other criticism: too many sentences start with "She". For example, "She took a few steps closer, moving so as not to cast her shadow on it, and touched a scar on the cross guard. She traced the worn wood of the grip and allowed her fingers to curl around it." Can you start the second sentence "Tracing the worn wood of the grip, she allowed..."
Good luck!
I was hooked. It's been awhile since I've read a good time travel romance, and this certainly looks like a winner!
ReplyDeleteThe only thing that caught me, as with one of your other commenters, was that it came so suddenly. I'd like to get more of a sense of who she is and what she's leaving behind before she travels.
Though I thought maybe once she let the sword go, it would send her back "home." That'd be cool.
Anyway, totally would buy this in a bookstore.
Hooked.
ReplyDeleteBut I do agree with the comments that this feels like YA.
That's really interesting that you guys thought it sounds like YA. They're 22 and just out of college, which usually means it's NOT YA...but I started a YA fantasy AFTER I finished writing (and editing over and over) this story. I never considered YA while I was writing it. I wonder if I should have?
ReplyDeleteThanks again for all your input, everyone! It's invaluable!
I dunno--I didn't immediately think YA. But it could probably work either way.
ReplyDeleteI'm also intrigued by the premise, but think, even if it's just a vision, there could be more transition between the kitchen and the other world. Plus,the "unseen someone" phrase kind of bugged me. If the someone is unseen from her POV, how does she know he's there? Couldn't the men be approaching anything? A water jug? A castle? A rabbit with big fangs? :)
That said, I found the premise and writing interesting enough that I would read on.
I was a bit confused as to how the sword was positioned in the kitchen. It says it's nearly as tall as her, which made me think it was standing up. But how?
ReplyDeleteI also thought the transition was a bit sudden. If it is a vision you need to make that more clear in the text.
I thought this sounded YA as well, and it didn't grab me, but I think that's just a personal taste thing.
Time-travel romances are a hard sell so I'd have to pass on this one. They also tend to start in the present, as opposed to 14 years ago. Beyond these issues, the writing was strong and clear, and if it weren't a tough market for this subcategory, I'd definitely read more.
ReplyDeleteWow. I can accept that it's a hard sell...but this is VERY encouraging to read from an agent!!! I guess I'll keep my fingers crossed that YA is still hot when I finally finish my current WIP! (And that an agent who reps YA agrees with your assessment of my writing!)
ReplyDelete::Off to see if I can make my writing even better!::