TITLE: Maelstrom
GENRE: Urban Fantasy
It’s in the darkest hours of the night when I allow a little doubt to creep in, when I ponder my own immortal ‘what if’ questions. What if I had not been chosen as a Warder? What if this ‘honor’ had been bestowed upon someone else? What if, instead of remaining behind, I had gone with the others to the West Lands?
Even though I never fit in among my own kind – had, in fact, been considered odd by even the most generous among us – these thoughts still afflict me in my occasional weak moments.
What else is there to do this time of night, anyway? When I say that I don’t sleep, I’m not engaging in hyperbole, just stating pure fact. I do not sleep. Ever.
So to make the nights pass faster, I often complete the chores that don’t get done during the day. Or that don’t get done to my satisfaction by the assorted humans who have, inexplicably, attached themselves to me.
I own a horse ranch. It’s in Fundy, Texas, which I’d bet you’ve never heard of – a happy fact for the 1,408 humans and the one resident Fae – me. The ‘Welcome to Fundy’ sign at town limits shows our population as 1,409, of course, since the other residents have no idea I’m anything other than just one of many ranchers in this small town sixty miles outside of Dallas.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I'm sorry... not hooked. :[
ReplyDeletePart of this is I saw "West Lands" and immediately thought about Tolkien's 'Into the West'.
The other thing is even though the protagonist is talking about him/herself and where he/she lives, I don't really have anything to feel connected or interested.
The ideas of the MC not having fit in with his/her own kind and of being Fae amongst humans has a lot of potential.On the other hand, there are a lot of stories out there with those characteristics.
ReplyDeleteI found myself looking for a spark in there to engage me. The voice just doesn't draw me. Some sort of action or problem might be good to introduce here. Information on the MC could be revealed as action takes the reader forward.
Also, there are some grammatical issues that caught my eye and became distractions.
I wasn't hooked enough to want to read more.
(from the writer) Just a quick note: being exiled, going into the West, being banished to the West Lands, and so on, are all related to Celtic mythology and the Sidhe (also referred to as Elves, Faeries, the Fair Folk, etc.). Tolkien based his Elves upon Celtic mythology, as well as similar Germanic tales, although he avoided the bloodthirsty side (for example, the Morrigu, the aughisky, the Wild Hunt). Thanks!
ReplyDeleteNot hooked: There seemed to be a disconnect between the voice in the first few paragraphs and the voice in the last. At first there was mystery and a kind of elegence, but then narrator started to address the reader, which pulled me out of the story.
ReplyDeleteDidn't like the opening, but the last paragraph hooked me. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteI love the idea of a Fae in Fundy! I think the introspection should be saved for later, however. The reader needs a reason to care for the mc before the self-doubt will resonate.
ReplyDeleteSounds like you've done some good research and that there's the basis for a great story. Good luck with it!
A majority of these Secret Agent stories, particularly the PNR and urban fantasy, start with an emotional summary. Emotional summaries usually mean "Interesting things are going to happen later, but right now, I need to bore you to death with a bunch of backstory and info dumping."
ReplyDeleteStart at an interesting moment when all hell breaks lose, people!
Now, I've got that out of my system. I feel better.
Not feeling this. I like the idea of a fae not fitting in with other fae, and ranches are awesome, but a lot of this was just the character reflecting on his/her life. Nothing's happening here.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. You seem to switch into second person a few times and that really threw me off. Also, I had nothing to really link me to the main character. This felt like a lot of backstory. And I did think of Tolkien when you mentioned "West Lands."
ReplyDeleteI found this submission to be overly chatty, with some info-dumping at the beginning, and I didn't really relate to the character. Not sure I'd want to read about someone who never sleeps.
ReplyDeleteCould be hooked. The first paragraph also reminded me of Tolkien, and that's probably not a comparison you want me to make, since it's hard to top a classic. I realize that you're leaning on the same mythological source material, which explains the similarity, but unfortunately, Tolkien's ubiquity in that arena makes it seem like he wrote the mythology, too.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, I thought the idea of an immortal horse rancher living in Podunkville, USA, could be fresh and interesting. Maybe start with the seemingly ordinary horse rancher and let us discover along the way what he/she really is.
Sorry--not hooked.
ReplyDeleteConsider using the last paragraph in this entry as your opening paragraph of the work.
I thought of Tolkien too and I think that's a reaction you're going to get a lot even if you're drawing from the same material as him rather than from him. I agree with Beth, cut the introspection at the start and go straight to the last paragraph. It's the strongest by far.
ReplyDelete