TITLE: The Last Time
GENRE: High-End Women's Fiction
Prologue
The house was spotless. Willow sat back on the couch, and inspected the perfection around her. The corners had been vacuumed, the tile scrubbed, everything dusted and the wood furniture oiled. Walls and cabinets had been wiped down, blankets and other materials washed. It had taken her three days of constant cleaning, but the house was done. Every room, every corner. Noah would enjoy the cleanliness.
It was the last time she was ever going to clean for a man.
Willow had packed up her clothes and the minimal belongings she’d brought into Noah’s home seven months prior. There wasn’t anything more than a few books and some hair accessories. She’d acquired more books when she moved, but not many. It was mostly clothes that he’d provided to her over the months. She’d been in need of clothes, and Noah generously purchased them. It was the first time that she’d worn clothes that fit her. Noah tried to get her to purchase clothes that were tighter or sexier in his opinion, but Willow couldn’t wear those types of clothes. She liked the soft cotton shirts and the jeans. Noah liked her to wear tight, silky shirts, or short skirts. The only time she would wear those things for him was when their bedroom door was closed at night. Then she did what he liked done.
Willow wasn’t going to wear those lacy items ever again for any man.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I liked the first paragraph very much, but after that my interest level seemed to go slightly downhill. I think the third paragraph stalls the story and takes away from whatever effect the prologue is meant to have. Your voice and writing skills are strong, but imo this needs tightening.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Elizabeth.
ReplyDeleteIf you stand back and look at the writing, it's one big paragraph, one punchline, another big paragraph, another punchline. My eye skipped the second paragraph and went right to the zinger.
Oops, I meant, my eye skipped the 3rd paragraph.
ReplyDeleteThe impact of the scene is lost by all the "there was," "it was," and other weak sentence structures.
ReplyDeleteEach point made is summarized then explained in detail. Get rid of the summary.
For example, The house was spotless. Willow sat back on the couch, and inspected the perfection around her. The corners had been vacuumed, the tile scrubbed, everything dusted and the wood furniture oiled. Walls and cabinets had been wiped down, blankets and other materials washed. It had taken her three days of constant cleaning, but the house was done. Every room, every corner. Noah would enjoy the cleanliness.
Get rid of that first sentence.
The whole scene is rather passive aggressive with the conflict summarized. I'd rather see her throwing her few belonging into a suitcase while Noah is screaming at her.
Cut the first sentence. Start with the second.
ReplyDeleteThe third graph is all backstory. Not interested.
And why is this girl cleaning for a man she doesn't like? Most girls wouldn't give the man-about-to-be-dumped the satisfaction.
I love stories about female emancipation and your writing is pretty solid, but I feel like you're spending too much precious real estate (beginnings are so important) on trivial things like cleaning and clothes. I think you could mention them but spend less time on them and get to some action. Trim back paragraphs 1 and 3 a bit, and let us get to the meat of your story sooner.
ReplyDeleteOn another note, I hear and feel the protagonist's bitterness and cynicism loud and clear, but after just seven months of Noah, is she really ready to throw out lace going forward? Noah's described as generous, if a little controlling, but not abusive, so I'm not really sure what the protagonist is reacting to.
The writing here seems fluid and smooth... but my problem is I don't get the lady. If she's leaving the guy, why would she be going through so much trouble to clean the house? My first impression was she was a maid, not live in girfriend.
ReplyDeleteNice writing though<:
I really liked this. The writing flows and is tight. I'm interested in why she is leaving and why she would take the time to clean before she left because it sounds like it had been a bad relationship. I'd keep reading to find out!
ReplyDeleteI agree with cutting the first sentence. The second sentence and beyond of the first paragraph show us what the first sentence told us.
ReplyDeleteI like the writing, but I would say get rid of the passive voice: "was [verb], had [verb]".
The third paragraph did run a bit long for me, and the concept of her doing something for a man for the last time --> I don't think it should repeat again after this.
Hmm I don't know. I like your second line. That should be the first one in my opinion. The first para can go next if you want. But from there on... I don't feel compelled to know that she won't wear lacy underthings for a man again. It just reads as one big: I won't do this... for a guy list.
ReplyDeleteI am curious about Willow, would want to know more and unlike some of the others, I think I can understand the cleaning thing- its a statement, maybe even a purge.
ReplyDeleteBut I do agree about the tightening. One thing i don't think has been mentioned-you say "minimal belongings" and then "there wasn't anything more than..." that's a repeat. Skip the minimal.
As the Author, I appreciate all the comments people left. I've made revisions based upon the some of the suggestions above because I feel they were right. I do have difficulty with beginnings....so thank you all.
ReplyDeleteAnd, to settle some of the questions that arose, Willow is 18 years old in the prologue. She's only doing what she knows how to do.
This contest has been great, and I've enjoyed reading the diversity. A nod of appreciation to the Secret Agent, Authoress and all the individuals who commented for their time and effort.
I think the image of cleaning before leaving a man is one many women can relate to. Its the classic concept of "I'm going to wash that man right out of my hair." To me, Willow needed to scrub away as much of her DNA from the house where her horrible relationship existed and move on. I aslo liked the other paragraphs which seem to insinuate that, at first Willow welcomed clothing out of need, and then it turned into nothing more than a symbol of the superficiality of their relationship. I was intrigued. Very good job.
ReplyDeleteSecond paragraph has some over writing about the clothes...1st paragraph was great.
ReplyDeleteI would like to know what Noah's done to make Willow hate him so much. She married him, right? I don't see here anything that he's done that's *so* worthy of her passionate hate.
ReplyDeleteI really liked this. The writing flows and is tight. I'm interested in why she is leaving
ReplyDelete--
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I think there's a bit too much backstory here. The first paragraph and the following line are good, but the third paragraph gets bogged down a bit. I'd like to get back to Willow on the couch and what she's going to do next.
ReplyDelete