TITLE: Fault Lines
GENRE: Contemporary upper middle grade
Even though I’m only stepping from bed to closet, my dog trails me like a detective on a stakeout. I pull on my black turtleneck. “Lie down, baby. Go to sleep. You’re not coming with me.”
Barney wags his tail so half-hearted you might think a breeze blew it -- if not for the fact it’s 35 degrees and pitch black outside, and the house is locked up tight. My dog is the only one who senses I’m up to no good.
“You’re all right,” I try to tell him, stroking his head, but he’s not fooled easy. He’s smart. That’s why Dad picked him. Labs make great bird dogs, he’d said last Christmas Eve as my new baby Barney trotted around the foyer with that giant red bow around his neck. We’ll go pheasant hunting next fall.
It’s fall now, feels like winter but it’s fall. And there won’t be any hunting -- at least not for pheasants. Soon there won’t be any Barney. Already there’s no Dad.
I open my bedroom door with Barney’s nose at my hip. It’s pointless to tell him to stay, so me and my shadow go to the hall closet where I slide a bar of soap in my pocket. Then we head down the stairs, and Barney’s tippy-toeing behind me instead of clopping ahead like normal. I know he’s thinking if he follows close enough he can just slip right out the front door when I go, but it won’t happen.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I think this is well-written, but doesn't interest me, personally.
ReplyDeleteSorry, hopefully the secret agent feels differently than me.
I haven't finished reading all the entries, but so far this stood out to me the most, mostly because of the writing style.
ReplyDeleteTo me it has voice and potential.
This is really good, and you have me trying to figure out where this person is going with the bar of soap, and only into the hall closet (?)
ReplyDeleteOne thing that pushed me away was the "Soon there won't be any Barney. Already there's no dad."
My "something bad is going to happen to the dog" attenna went way up. Or at the least she/he's abandoning the dog.
You have a voice here, a mood and tone, great writing, and that line about 'pretty soon there would be no Barney. There was already no dad.' -- Bad things just come to mind. My mind, anyway.
ReplyDeleteStill, it could mean Barney's not coming with him, wherever he's going, and Dad's gone because of a divorce, but I don't know, and that's while I'll read on. I think I'd read on even if those lines weren't there. It was really good.
Hooked.
Hooked, because I'm a dog person. But the 'Soon there won't be any Barney. Already there's no Dad.' felt a little menacing.
ReplyDeleteI really want to know what she (he?) is doing with the bar of soap though. I'd have to read on.
Hooked. I wasn't bothered by the no-dad no-Barney. That's what I wanted to know more about.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed this. Good writing, plus something interesting is going to happen -- it's the middle of the night, and the dog senses he/she is up to no good.
ReplyDeleteI wasn't hooked. Does the dog play a key role in the story? I thought calling a lab a "baby" was odd for a teen, especially when the dog's nose is up to her hip.
ReplyDeleteI was also wondering if it's set in the past; pheasant hunting seems like an outdated pastime to me. But maybe I'm just in the wrong circles!
And I am curious about that bar of soap . . .
Totally hooked, lovely voice and setting up...
ReplyDeleteReally good. I wasn't put off about the "Soon there won't be a Barney" deal, really. It made me want to know why her dad isn't there and what's going on. I really hope the secret agent likes this. I know I do. Good luck! = )
ReplyDeleteThis entry stands out from the rest to me because it feels like something important has already been set in motion and the reader is being taken alog for the ride, not being told a story. I thought the last line was priceless. Solid voice and a good start to your story.
ReplyDeleteI feel bad for Barney; he'll miss his owner. :(
Out of all the ones I've read so far, this is my favourite.
ReplyDeleteAll my other comments have been really long, but I can't find many faults here. You caught my attention, which is hard to do :)
I wouldn't be surprised if this one is chosen as one of the four winners.
Hooked. I’m a dog person, so that may be why. I can just picture everything that’s happening. Loved the voice.
ReplyDeleteHooked, but I was surprised to see it was middle grade.
ReplyDeleteOoh, definitely hooked.
ReplyDeleteNicely done.
Hooked.
ReplyDeleteI'm think you could cut the line "the dog is the only one who senses I'm up to no good." You're showing it nicely.
Excellent writing and tension.
The writing is quite clever and I like your voice but I just can't get into it. Maybe its the whole dog thing or maybe I'm just an action fanatic. So it's probably just me. :)
ReplyDeleteI loved this. You've got great voice and I was immediately hooked. The only thing I found confusing (and I think I'm the only one) was the use of "baby". For some reason, I got the impression that your MC was male.
ReplyDeleteGood strong hint at the problem:loss. She's lost Dad and will be losing Barney, too. I'd think there'd be more of a tone of grief, though, and some behavior with Barney that shows her grief.
ReplyDeleteExcept for the kid-like grammar (leaving the -ly off an adverb, for instance), the voice seemed a little old for first person, middle grade, even a bit adult-ish (use of the word "foyer," for example).
I'm curious to know what's going on with both Dad and the dog, and with the bar of soap, too. Intriguing.
A couple of questions--is this a female narrator or male? I'm not sure--the voice is female sounding to me. Either way, I'm not sure I would keep reading.
ReplyDeleteThere are a few grammatical errors that would stop me from reading. Someone above mentioned that these may be intentional (in order to convey MG voice) but while I would accept that for dialogue, I would not for narration.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I really like the line about the soap.
The errors made me stop and wonder too, but then I thought they must be for voice. I liked the voice, and while it doesn't make me insane with curiosity over what will happen next, I'd keep reading for a bit simply because it's drawing me in.
ReplyDeleteThe kid-like grammar pulled me out of the story too. I agree it's Ok for dialogue but risky in narrative.
ReplyDeleteI reread the baby reference several times, and I'm still not sure I got it.
I do want to hear about the soap though, and I liked the way you used the dog to give it some emotional context.