TITLE: Hope
GENRE: YA Fantasy
Snow banks surrounded the rectangular island of artificial grass. The pallbearers approached using the snow-blown path, their cheeks red from the cold. The crunching of the snow beneath their boots punctuated the sounds of grief. Kathryn stared at her dad’s lifeless eyes as he adjusted his grip on the casket.
Kathryn’s father always said that hope kept the family together. Wondering if they would now be torn apart, Kathryn looked at her scuffed black boots. Damn Vermont weather. Mom would never approve of black slacks and boots at her funeral. Hope Merlangten died on Christmas Eve at the age of 40 less than a mile from home.
The smell of alcohol made her look up as her father joined her on her right. Her brother Donny, in the crisp uniform of a marine, took his place at her left with a grim smile. Thank God he was here on leave. Her dad wasn’t able to handle the funeral arrangements. He’d locked himself in their room for two days, emerging at last red-eyed and mute.
Kathryn stared at the casket, ignoring the words of the priest’s prayer. Its maple finish reminded her of the immaculate bookshelf in the study. Her mother had dusted it every week along with her prized family pictures. Tears rolled down Kathryn’s cheeks, dripping off her chin onto her clasped hands. She’d never see her mother smile at those pictures again.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I loved it. Definitely hooked.
ReplyDeleteVery believable and made me wanting more
ReplyDeleteYep. Hooked. Nice description. Got the sense of cold. Feeling of sadnesss and pain. Smell of alcohol. And a quick sense of her mother by the clothes comment.
ReplyDeletenicely done.
The part where it says ignoring the words of the priest. That feels a bit telling to me. Maybe like, the pastor's words faded into muffled noise or something to show they were not even dipping into her awareness, but annoying, like a fly buzzing or something.
I agree that this is written very very and is believable. However, it leaves me feeling a bit depressed and I don't like starting a story that way. Scared, angry, annoyed, sure, but not sad. This is totally a personal preference and says nothing about your story in general.
ReplyDeleteI agree with everyone else!
ReplyDeleteI hit a few bumpy spots -- the sounds of grief are referred to but not in a way that brings them to life; looking into Dad's lifeless eyes made me think Dad was the dead one; then the alcohol line coming right after the memory of Mom's death made me think Mom had been drinking when she died.
ReplyDeleteI also like the voice and the realism here, so I don't think my issues are major, but they did make me have to stop and re-read.
I'm torn about this. I like aspects of it -- the telling memories and where Hope died -- but because it's already pretty strong, I keep noticing the places where it isn't quite holding up.
ReplyDeleteWord repetition in the first paragraph (snow); scaffolding (extra words and phrases that weaken sentences); sentences that don't quite flow (pictures to tears in the last paragraph).
This is close, but it could use a little more trimming and strengthening.
Love the elegant little details: boots crunching on the snow, the smell of alcohol on her dad's breath... I'm intrigued and would definitely keep reading.
ReplyDeleteHow about ending the first sentence
ReplyDelete...island of artificial grass around the open grave. That lets me easily get a grasp of this opening scene, instead of struggling a bit to figure out how I'm supposed to picture this artificial grass, and why it's surrounded by snow.
I also thought dad was dead at first. How about "hard" or "cold" eyes.
I loved the description of her tears.
I would name Kathryn in the third paragraph, as the last "her" from previous paragraph is the mother.
Kathryn stared at her dad's lifeless eyes ... okay, he's the dead person in the casket ... as he adjusted his grip - oops, guess not.
ReplyDeleteThe details in the first three paragraphs don't work for me. Now if you had started here:
Kathryn stared at the casket, ignoring the words of the priest’s prayer. Its maple finish reminded her of the immaculate bookshelf in the study. Her mother had dusted it every week along with her prized family pictures. Tears rolled down Kathryn’s cheeks, dripping off her chin onto her clasped hands. She’d never see her mother smile at those pictures again.
Damn, I'd be hooked. Big time. You'd have to hold me back from turning the page.
Very good imagery. Very effective in putting me in this moment.
ReplyDeleteI just didn't feel a hook at the end. No unanswered question. No hint of what might come next.
I agree with what Sara said about her Dad's eyes, I thought exactly the same.
ReplyDeleteAlso at first read, I thought the priest had a maple finish. One other note, I've never met a teenager yet (although I hope they exist) who would be aware of her mother's dusting schedule or that her mother dusted at all. Mine teenagers firmly believe we have house elves that do it all.
I'm kind of mixed, I liked it a lot in places and got pulled out of the story but odd little things as I read along. So it could go either way in the next 250 words.
Why did they have artificial grass in the cemetery?
ReplyDeleteI do like this in general and had only tiny nits (repetition of her name, setting clarity issues).
Nice use of verbs. Good writing, pardner. No much to complain about here.
ReplyDeleteI liked it. The pacing was great, and the plot unfolded fine within the 250 words. The economy of the "Mom would never approve of black slacks and boots at her funeral" was wonderful. If it develops into YA fantasy or a mystery, or any genre, it wouldn't matter, it is a great beginning.
ReplyDeleteI didn't fall in love with the first 250 words, but there was enough there to make me want to keep reading. Not sure how this is fantasy, but I'm sure that comes in later.
ReplyDeleteI too thought dad was dead...and I actually stopped reading to wonder why the pallbearers were carrying the casket with the top open...rearrange that sentence please! :)
ReplyDeleteI'm not really hooked, but I am curious to how mom died and if that will lead Kathryn into the fantasy world. I would read a little further...
Not hooked. Ditto everyone's comments on the first paragraph's last sentence - at first I thought that Kathryn was a very unfortunate name for a boy, and then I noticed the pronoun her, and then I was really confused.
ReplyDeleteThat minor detail aside, the scene just didn't grab me. Apparently Kathryn's mother has just died. That happens a lot in young adult fiction. What makes this situation unique?
I really think this should be your first line:
ReplyDeleteHope Merlangten died on Christmmas Eve at the age of 40, less than a mile from home.
It really grabbed me, and I felt like if I'd read that first, I'd have been sucked into the story. As it was - I was close, but not quite there.
Realistic. I lost somebody I loved seven months ago. Your passage rings so true I avoided reading it yesterday.
ReplyDeleteLike other posters said, I wouldn't use "lifeless" eyes for the dad in the first paragraph, even though it's obvious he is alive because he is gripping the casket. It made me pause to doublecheck.
"Kathryn stared at the casket, ignoring the words of the priest’s prayer." You could say instead "Ignoring the wsords of the priest's prayer, Kathryn stared at the casket. Its maple finish...."
"Her dad wasn’t able to handle the funeral arrangements." I would say "hadn't been able" since this is now in the past.
The MC reflecting about her mother dusting and how she smiled at the family photos is right. People think about things like that when someone dies.
You are beginning with a sad scene, so you are taking the risk that some people will not stick with you while you develop the story.
Not hooked. While written nicely, it's very generic, and Kathryn came across to me as a grown woman. The descriptions of the funeral all seem to come from an adult POV, they don't sound like a teen's thoughts. Might want to reconsider that.
ReplyDeleteAnd in the end, there were no questions raised, except perhaps how Mom died, and you glossed over that. Your MC is thinking about everything except how Mom died. Giving it a bit more play could add a bit of mystery, magic, intrigue - whatever lends itself to your plot.
I also thought her dad was the dead one for a second, maybe you could say he had dull eyes instead of lifeless.
ReplyDeleteAs for the artificial grass, I'm guessing that it's the carpeting the funeral director places around the grave so the mourners' shoes don't get muddy? You may want to clarify that, it's hard to figure out why it's visible through the snow.
Just a personal preference, I'd rather read a story when they're leaving the cemetery instead of burying somebody. It feels more like a beginning rather than an ending.
I really like the details you've chosen to include. I have to agree with Chris. I would rather the opening of the book be at the end of the funeral. As a reader I want to know what happens after or because of the death. So unless there is something that MUST be shown during the funeral that's vital to the story I would start the book as the funeral is ending. Just my opinion.
ReplyDeleteI liked the phrase crunching of the snow beneath their boots. Punctuated the sounds of grief is vague. What are the sounds? Show us.
The phrase Hope Merlangten died xmas eve etc. Would be better shown than told. Have the preacher or someone tell us this in the eulogy, thus in dialog instead of just telling us in narrative.
Last paragraph first sentence you need to reverse the phrases. Because the word ITS in the following sentence is possessive of the casket not the priest's prayer.
I liked this. I would read on. I want to find out what good will come of this loss.
I didn't read the other comments, so I apologize if I'm repeating!
ReplyDeleteI'm almost hooked. A couple of things threw me. If there is enough snow for snowbanks, I'd think the ground would be frozen. In my neighbourhood, burials are put off until spring. Also, I thought her dad was in the the casket gripping the outside for a moment.
You do have a nice style and voice, I think you could tighten this up and make it great. Hope that helps you out a bit :)
I loved the setting. It really drew me in. So I'd say hooked
ReplyDeleteFirst one I feel compelled to comment on. Excellent writing and voice. Pulled me in with that. I feel I'm in capable hands. This is a keeper.
ReplyDeleteI'd definitely keep reading.
ReplyDeleteThe husband wouldn't be a pallbearer. There's an unwritten rule.
ReplyDeleteSheesh, I just confirmed that the husband wouldn't be the pallbearer. I guess I have to rewrite that. Thanks Shalanna!
ReplyDelete