TITLE: The Zero Line
GENRE: Suspense/Mystery
Gus Jordan never intended to be a traitor. Money wasn’t a factor—he had plenty of it. Neither was excitement—sailing the icy chop of the Chesapeake in a winter squall was thrilling enough. Saying 'yes' to his best friend's casual recruitment over a late night lager might have been the worst decision he ever made. For a hundred submariners it was fatal.
Selling the young men out to the Soviets was never part of the plan—not his plan, anyway. He recalled the stack of documents, and how he had winced when he held them. Detailed maps of the sub's patrol route, and a complete breakdown of its communications protocol went straight to the enemy. That much, he recalled. What he couldn't recall was why he ever passed the stuff. A meaningful explanation escaped him.
Sitting in his Ford Ranger pickup just outside an antique shop in York, Pennsylvania, Gus took time to reflect on how he had arrived at such an unlikely predicament. The nagging doubts about becoming a spy had done little to stop him from going down that dark and lonely path. At first, accepting the charge seemed the right thing to do. But times had changed, and Gus had grown weary of it all. The government was flailing like a black crappie on a jig pole, and he wondered how much more the US could take. The Vietnam War. Watergate. As decades went, the 70s were starting off with a vile stench. The country was a cesspool of deception. Everyone had something to hide. Especially him. But that was about to change.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I really like this opening paragraph. I would definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteThe second paragraph is crucial to your story, but the writing seemed a little loose. The MC wincing at the documents in his hand didn't feel real to me, and the last two sentences of this paragraph might pack more of a punch if you combined them (if you can do it without sacrificing the structure and rhythm of your graph).
I love the third paragraph, even the fishing imagery, and I don't fish!
Overall, I am definitely hooked. Like a fish.
The opening paragraph is good. Really caught my attention. I was jolted out of the story with the third paragraph though. I was trying to figure out what an antique shop in PA had to do with anything.
ReplyDeleteI do like your imagery and descriptions. Great way to set up the time period for the story.
I'd read on.
Hooked. First paragraph pulled me into the story.
ReplyDeleteI faded a little in the second paragraph. How did he wince when he held the stack of documents? I like its critical you show us his state of mind. Don't tell us that emotion. Could you show us that? Maybe the papers shook in his hand?
Antique shop? I don't get it.
I would read on.
Hooked on first paragraph. We've go the set up, or the fall...
ReplyDeleteI didn't understand how the MC was sitting in a Ford Ranger when the decade of the 70's was starting off with a vile stench. I don't think Rangers came out until the the early 80's. Like the F-150 was around in the 70's. I know the F-150 had a Ranger trim package; but when I think of a Ford Ranger, I think of the little ones birthed in the 80's. Maybe I'm being too picky about the truck.
I am interested as to why our MC became a traitor, what more will become of his betrayal, and I love the 70's, so I'd keep reading.
Love the first paragraph--great hook. Don't love the end of the second--a meaningful explanation escaped him--needs a re-do. I agree that the truck reference and the antique shop take us out of the story, but the setting for time is spot on--well done.
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Have to agree about the 'Ranger' thing. My sis had a brand-new Ranger in 1982. Powder blue. But the rest of your story hooked me. Tighten up the writing a bit, and you're good to go!
ReplyDeleteElements of a good setup.
ReplyDeleteThe first paragraph works well. The second is close.
The third came off the rails a bit. The antique shop/pickup problem was addressed by others. The transition to the larger 70's canvas did not seem smooth.
Too easy with the crappie images. Too much passive voice. Maybe a little less Rockford.
Your writing is good, but the MC loses me. Becoming a traitor, worst decision ever, 100 sailors dead because of his treason---and he can't recall why he did it? Either he should be panicking because he can't recall (ie, he's been drugged and tortured) or his crime should be more forgiveable if he feels so casually about what he's done.
ReplyDeleteSorry, not hooked. I could be...but am not at present. Keep working! You have talent.
I think someone turning traitor could be a really interesting character, expecially if you're exploring why he did it. That, by itself, draws me in.
ReplyDeleteI thought the first parg. needed something more. He didn't become a traitor for money. He didn't do it for excitement. Now the next sentence should logically be the reason he did do it (which you don't mention) or the fact that he doesn't know why he did it. So you might want to bring that aspect up from the second parg. to the first.
You might also try to get some movement in these pargs. because so far, it's just telling. He's not doing anything but thinking. Even if he's just driving thru traffic, or standing in line for coffee, it will help create some movement in the story so it's not just a guy thinking.
I like the opening paragraph, too, and the idea of writing the book from the perspective of the traitor is intriguing.
ReplyDeleteI like most of the writing except when it falls into cliche, such as "dark and lonely path."
I'd continue reading.
First paragraph hooked me, but then you lost me. I was hoping for action, not reflection. It sounds like it could be an interesting story, though!
ReplyDeleteI'm almost hooked. I like the opening two paragraphs, well-written, easy to read. But paragraph three seems disconnected -- either you're introducing new information (as vague as the first) or you're repeating what we already know. Is his becoming a traitor with regrets, the same as his becoming a spy with doubts? Or were those two different decisions? The same with a casual recruitment being the worst decision vs. accepting the charge was right at the time, but not so much now.
ReplyDeleteNitpick in #3: "took time to reflect on" just say "reflected" or "pondered."
This probably just needs a re-write with a sharper focus, and I'd read on.
I loved the first paragraph, but then found my interest lessening. The second and third paragraphs need some tightening. I'm really curious to know why he turned traitor!
ReplyDeleteGreat potential from the outset, but the next two paragraphs start to lose me. You'd have to introduce some action or something in the very next paragraph to pull me back in.
ReplyDeleteThis opening hints that it could be a compelling story, but the writing doesn't give me confidence that it will be told in an exciting way. You've chosen a rather uninteresting way to open it - a guy sitting in a car thinking. *yawn* Compounding that is the fact that the MC's "taking time to reflect" is just a thinly camouflaged way to give the reader information, never a very effective way to draw someone into the world of your story. I would much rather open in a scene with some action happening, Gus doing whatever he is going to do to change his life. I'd like to see all this backstory come out organically over the course of the story.
ReplyDeleteI don't know what Gus is about to do. Don't know why he's outside an antique shop. But I can't help thinking that maybe if I just saw what Gus was doing, without any of this backstory, and I was allowed to wonder what the heck Gus was up to, and why, I'd probably be so much more interested.
That said, I think the first paragraph is pretty good. That's about the extent of the backstory I'd like to see in the first few pages, but as written, it does a nice job of setting up Gus's situation and his regret.
Paragraph 2 is just way too much explaining, and it also loses me in confusion with the "detailed maps" sentence.
Paragraph 3 is again, to much explaining. All the way through I kept thinking, get to the action already.
I'd probably read a few more paragraphs to see if maybe this opening was an anomaly and you were going to get to the story soon. It does look like it has the potential to be interesting.
I've written this without reading the other comments, so sorry if it's a repeat.
ReplyDeleteTitle: Great.
First paragraph: Also good.
Second paragraph: I think this is too much information, too soon. I know he's a traitor and that's enough to hook me. I don't want to know all the details this early in the piece. I'd cut this paragraph.
Third paragraph: I'd like action on the first page, not reflection, especially in a thriller. The first paragraph is reflection enough. I'd prefer if you changed this paragraph to action. But I do like the last five lines, and perhaps you could start with these instead, even if the first paragraph is good. It seems from the last sentence that your action is about to start, so by cutting some of this piece you'll have your action, and more of a hook, on the first page.