TITLE: LEAVE THE LIGHT ON
GENRE: Women's fiction
I wasn’t sure how long I lay on the floor, curled in a way to most would’ve looked broken. My cheek became hot and itchy as it rested against the rough loops of carpet. With my knees bent toward my chest, my back ached. I didn’t want to move though. My earlier jagged sobs had subsided to slow and even waves of breath. Concentrating on the rhythm of the quiet house, I welcomed the monotony of sounds not usually heard in my ignorant busy life. The tick of the clock in the kitchen and the tap of the ceiling fan chain as it swayed around in a circle.
The phone chirped like an excited cricket and ripped me from my silent trance. I held my breath and squeezed my knees prisoner against my body. I couldn’t lose it again. It had taken me over an hour to calm down. I counted down the rings with hope the machine’s volume was low enough to allow me the little peace I had found. Three…two…one…
After a long beep, my voice, sounding happily medicated, filled the room.
“You’ve reached Josie and Kevin. Please leave a message and we’ll get back to you.”
I closed my eyes, squeezing out more tears. I made it sound so easy. Josie and Kevin.
“Jojo? You there? Jojo? I need to talk to you and I don’t have a number for you to call back. Pick up, pick up, pick up!”
Typical Anna. Releasing my knees and peeling my face away from the carpet, I crawled toward the phone. My back finally getting relief, I took a deep breath before pressing the talk button.
“I’m here Anna. What’s wrong now?”
Miss Snark's First Victim
Wow! You capture sadness and despair very well. I was on the carpet with her and I want to know what put her there.
ReplyDeleteI've been to several conferences and editor/agent critiques lately and they recommend not starting a story with sadness or depression. For the record they included dreams and car scenes to that list as well.
Best of luck
What's with the not starting out with sadness or depression? Life ain't all peaches and cream. And cherries are full of pits!
ReplyDeleteI was there, too. Would keep reading.
I stumbled a bit on the first paragraph--some awkward phrases. But otherwise I'd keep reading. You've got me wondering why she was medicated, what happened to Kevin and why is Anna so frantic to speak to her? Good luck!
ReplyDeleteHooked. I felt her sadness. Good descriptions. Squeezed my knees prisoner? Great line.
ReplyDeleteIgnorant busy life? Doesn't make sense to me.
I also stumbled over "chirped like an excited cricket". Seems overwritten.
I would definitely keep reading.
Good job!
I would keep reading, I want to know why she is so sad and has to be medicated and if it's because of Kevin! I like the carpet loops and the ceiling fan chain swaying in a circle.
ReplyDeleteNot crazy about the cricket-chirping phone, but that's an easy fix.
I'm hooked.
Hooked. Love the bits about the cheek on the carpet, hearing the little faint noises of a quiet house [ignorant busy life, tho? eh? what?], and hearing your own happy voice on the answering machine. Very good images, very real. Would keep reading. I want to know what's up with Anna, too!
ReplyDeleteHooked (and I liked the cricket chirping phone). Leaves enough mystery to intrigue, without being too vague.
ReplyDeleteI do see what Claire is saying, though. The problem with starting with sadness is that I expect something to happen in fairly short order that will cheer Josie up. I'm really hoping that Anna is calling with two tickets for a girls' trip to Hawaii or something like that. You'd lose me if Anna was calling with a crisis or tears of her own.
I thought this worked well. You have some nice descriptions and hinted nicely at the problem without giving too much away. I don't think you have any real problems with the writing.
ReplyDeleteBut I wouldn't read more, and it is because it's a depressing opening. It makes me think this will be a depressing story, and that's just not my cup of tea.
So maybe there is something in the depressing opening theory, because you would lose me as a reader simply because of your opening.
Again, the writing's fine. In my case, it's just personal taste.
Not hooked. The first paragraph gave me sensory overload: hot and itchy cheek, aching back, rough carpet, jagged sobs, even breath, a quiet house with a monotony of sounds, a ticking clock, and tapping fan chain swaying in a circle. Then it leads to the second: chirping phone, ripped from silence, holding her breath, squeezed her knees.
ReplyDeleteI like the bit where she waits for the machine to pick up, then about hearing Kevin's name. But it's not enough for me to keep reading. Sorry.
It's probably just me, but I immediately assumed that our main character had just been attacked in some way. So it surprised me when she finally got up to answer the phone and was more interested in the plight of the caller than communicating her situation.
ReplyDeleteAfter reading through it a second and third time, I got that she's just experienced a profound loss. But it took me a little while, although, again, it's probably just me.
For that reason (and because it seems pretty depressing), not hooked.
I think you captured her misery well and I want to know why her friend is calling too.
ReplyDeleteI agree that ignorant life seems misplaced here.
I'd also be a bit more sparing with the similes so close together. I can see how it might be an overloading
You have a really nice way with descriptions. Very sensory. I could feel the carpet against the cheek, the backache from being curled up that way.
ReplyDeleteBut there can be too much of a good thing, so I'd cut down some of the descriptions and the adjectives.
The first paragraph has some awkwardness. Fourth sentence remove "though." The phrase "not usually heard" is passive voice. I'd cut it along with the rest of that sentence (end it at "sounds.")
Second paragraph "like an excited cricket" is not a bad simile but it's misplaced and brings the reader away from your MC and her experience. The sentence is better without it - cleaner and stronger. I really like the next part of that paragraph, conveying how it had taken her so long to calm down and she didn't want to lose it again. I'm really getting a feel for her desperation and want to know what happened.
You've drawn her despair very powerfully - perhaps too strongly, because the way you've written it, it's totally implausible that she'd actually answer the phone. Josie as you've portrayed her would just listen to the message and not move a muscle. It's extremely jarring and weird when she quickly goes from completely lost in despair to asking Anna what's wrong. Something needs to be fixed here.
I was almost hooked until Josie answered the phone, then you lost me.