TITLE: THE SECOND CHANCE
GENRE: Commercial Fiction
It's only life, just live it.
Jerry Dunningham wasn't sure why that phrase came to mind right now considering he hadn't heard it in years. It was a phrase on some random supposed motivational poster that he had hung in the main hallway of his finance company years ago.
Blinking a few times, Jerry tried to focus his eyesight. He had just woken up and was in a hospital bed. As his ears began to come to reality, he heard a voice. As if someone was turning the knob on a radio, the sound slowly got louder.
"I'm sure this isn't an intentional thing, Mr. Dunningham, but, of course, because of our current state of affairs and your profession. . ."
The voice dragged on. The man was seated at the end of the bed holding a notepad. He spoke and spoke, most words weren't fully registering with Jerry. Most of his senses were still regaining their functions. He flexed his fingers a few times and they felt sore. He tried to arch his back hoping to relieve pressure, but it only caused more pain. With this happening, two words did catch his attention:
"Attempted suicide."
"Wait, what?" Jerry said in a groggy voice, interrupting the man.
"I'm not saying you did, Mr. Dunningham - I'm just asking, well, what have your feelings been since your finance company closed?"
Feelings? Jerry thought.
He looked down and remembered the crash. He was driving, dazed, thinking about his life when it had happened.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I'm confused. If he hasn't heard the phrase in years, but the poster hangs in his company... Also, do ears come to reality? This all sounds a little cliche. I don't think I'd keep reading. Don't give up, though. You probably have a great story and just need to rework the beginning. Best of luck!!
ReplyDeleteI'm biased here because I like motivational messages. I would read a little further to find out if we have an uplifting story.
ReplyDeleteThen we have "Attempted suicide." Okay. I'm intrigued. I'll read more.
I thought the first two paragraphs were a distraction, and the story starts as Jerry tries to make sense of where he is.
ReplyDeleteIt starts to pick up, but still, "He spoke and spoke, most words weren't fully registering with Jerry. Most of his senses were still regaining their functions." passive, passive.
... but, of course, because of...
ReplyDeleteis too wordy for me. Maybe reroute into two sentences or revise.
I like the attempted suicide angle. Is he at a therapist's office or better yet the looney bin?
I'd want to find out some more.
Not sure what this is going to be about.
I believe your first paragraph should read:
ReplyDeleteIt was a phrase from some random, supposedly motivational, poster...
I recommend starting with the third paragraph.
The "attempted suicide" line got my attention.
Slightly hooked. The attempted suicide pushed me over the edge.
ReplyDelete"..what have your feelings been.." That doesn't make sense to me. I would rework that line.
Overall, I would read a few more pages to see what happens next.
The attempted suicide and the closing of his company, those are both intriguing. I agree with others who've said it might hook better to start with the third paragraph, but I like the bit about the motivational poster in his work hallway. It's a grim reminder of what he lost and how he ended up in the hospital bed (if the charge of attempted suicide is correct). I'd read a few more pages.
ReplyDeletePeriod after no. Delete considering. Start new sentence with He. Instead of telling us what kind of phrase it was, tell us what the phrase said. What kind is vague. WHat it said is specific.
ReplyDeleteears began to come to reality= ears began to work.
"The voice dragged on..." Really the guy stopped listening to observe a note pad? Jump to the MC flexing his fingers.
Example: and your profession. . ."
Jerry flexed his fingers a few times. They they felt sore. He tried to arch his back hoping to relieve pressure, but it only caused more pain.
"Attempted suicide."
"Wait, what?" Jerry said in a groggy voice.
The difference is telling vs showing.
Not hooked. The scene was intriguing, but there were too many hiccups in the writing to draw me in.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I found myself wondering why this man started talking to Jerry while he was still apparently unconscious. Wouldn't he have waited until Jerry was fully aware of his surroundings to begin this conversation?
The attempted suicide is intriguing, but not intriguing enough. As Krista said, there are too many hiccups, and I see this going immediately into a flashback of how he ended up in the hospital.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked.
Funny, I didn’t find that opening line motivational at all! Sounds more resigned or cynical to me. And considering what follows, it seems like a strange way to open the book, but perhaps it all becomes clear a bit later.
ReplyDeleteNice setup with Jerry coming out of unconsciousness. I’m wondering what happened to put him there. But the sentence “He had just woken up…” is totally unnecessary telling. Easy enough to show this by what he sees and hears.
I had a complete disconnect when I realize some doctor was droning on and on to an apparently unconscious man. How weird! It’s just so unrealistic. Don’t doctors wait for a response from the patient and verify their ability to hear and understand? You could easily remedy this by having the doctor (or whoever the man is) talking to someone else in the room, either a relative or friend of Jerry’s, or a nurse, or some interns. Then when he sees Jerry waking up, he could engage him.
There are quite a few unnecessary words and phrases. In the paragraph beginning, “The voice dragged on,” I’d cut “and spoke” and add a “but.” (“He spoke but most words weren’t fully registering.”) Cut “Most of his senses were still regaining their functions.” Cut “With this happening.”
Further down, I’d cut “Jerry thought” so that “Feelings?” is alone. This helps to strengthen Jerry’s POV.
The writing is pretty good but can use some cleaning up. The problem for me is that there’s not a lot of inherent interest in a guy waking up in a hospital. I’d need something more intriguing real soon to catch my attention.