TITLE: LIKE A MOONSHINE BRIDGE
GENRE: Up-market commercial fiction
“June’s too common a name,” Grandma said when I was born in early summer thirty-five years ago. “And this girl, she’s going to be special.” So Momma named me July because, except for her life-long habit of opening her legs to boys she wasn’t married to, Momma did what Grandma told her.
Sometimes Momma and Grandma called me Jul. Grandma said that was part of being special since it sounded like “Jewel,” and that’s what I was—a precious jewel. But when Grandma turned her back, Momma twisted my hair around her fist. “If you were really a jewel,” she whispered pulling me close, “I’d sell you in a minute and take the cash south to Vegas to try my luck.”
So July I was and Jul, too, though more often, as I got older and went to school, they called me “Trash Bin” because everyone in Cedar Pocket knew what Momma did with the men who visited our trailer.
And my whole life, my best friend was that boy next door, big Sammy Bear.
“You shoot him, and I’ll cut off his ears,” Sammy said whenever one of Momma’s men had touched me. Then we’d get to planning how we could bury the man in the woods, covering up the fresh dirt with hemlock branches. Even picked out the best spot on Vancouver Island, at the base of an old-growth cedar that’s been there a thousand years and more. The Grandmother Tree, they call it, because it’s surrounded by its children’s children.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Hooked! The narrator's voice is fantastic! I would definitely turn the page! :) Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI have to admit that when I read the title, I assumed the setting to be the rural south. I'm from there so it's okay for me to jump to the stereotype. :-) The Vancouver setting really threw me for a loop.
ReplyDeleteYour sentences are long and could be tightened a bit. 3rd paragraph, for example.
The mother's attitude toward life and her daughter is clearly shown. Great best friend too.
I'd read on.
Good luck!
It feels right. I like the voice. I would keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI like your voice. But I agree with the previous poster about thinking this was going to be a southern-style story, especially with the use of 'Momma' instead of Mom or Mother. The MC seems to have a lot of backstory issues with the women in her life. I don't get a sense of where this story is going yet. Not my usual read but I would keep reading.
ReplyDeleteI really like this MC's voice. The writing is really tight.
ReplyDeleteIt reads like she's still a child or a young teen, though, and not a 35-year-old woman. I realize that the intro is all back story, so that's appropriate. It's just when I got to the end, I had to go back and re-read the beginning to remember that she's a grown woman.
I am not sure why MC would be called "Trash Bin" based on Momma's behavior, but I guess cruelty isn't always logical.
I'm not sure if I would keep reading or not, because I'm not sure where we're going. It would probably depend on the jacket blurb, if I picked this up in a bookstore.
I love your voice and get a good idea about the main charachter's background and relationship with her mother and grandmother. I agree with the above about assuming this was based in the south. I'd keep reading, but as mentioned earlier, I don't have a clue where this is heading since the mc is 35. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteThe writing is good, but I'm kind of wondering what the story problem is.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on a little looking for that, though.
I'm hooked! No question I would keep on reading. I also assumed that we were in the Southern US, but, since I know next to nothing about Vancouver, I'd go with it to learn about the area. Good luck :)
ReplyDeleteI agree with the other posts...expected a southern setting, not the Pacific Northwest. Great voice...so might these folks be transplants? More believable, if they were. I would most likely read on.
ReplyDeleteHooked. The MC voice won me over.
ReplyDeleteHowever, I would have liked a few clues to what this story is about.
I would keep reading.
The first paragraph made me laugh. Wonderful voice...only I thought she sounded super young. I suppose that's because you're telling us about her childhood.
ReplyDeleteI would read more. Thank you for the laugh.
I love the voice and, despite a story not being apparent right here at the beginning, I'd read on. Hooked.
ReplyDeleteThe "Trash Bin" sentence threw me - it makes an assumption that you see the logic in the sentence, and I don't. She's Trash Bin because ... her mother throws away the men in her? her mother has the men put her by the curb once a week? I'm serious, by the way. I don't understand how that name is equated with her mother's actions. (I mean, I get it on the "bad name because her mother sleeps around" level, but not the higher level at which you indicate the reader should "get it")
ReplyDeleteI liked it but stumbled over the first paragraph with dialogue and multiple characters. My personal preference would have been
ReplyDelete"Sometimes Momma and Grandma called me Jul."
as the first sentence. You could work in the why, later.
With baggage like this, I imagine the MC can have an interesting story to tell, but start with a scene and fill the backstory in as we need it.
ReplyDeleteLoved your voice. I would keep reading for that reason alone (although the setting did throw me a little).
ReplyDeleteLove the voice. Especially this line: "So Momma named me July because, ... Momma did what Grandma told her."
ReplyDeleteThe only line I didn't like was "You shoot him", because it took a re-read to realize that it wasn't referring to Sammy, since he is the "he" mentioned right before we read "You shoot him", so I logically assumed the "him" was Sammy and then I stopped to try to see how that made sense.
Finally, the only other thing I don't quite believe is the Momma being that mean. Maybe because it comes out of nowhere, and I thought if July's mother really disliked her that much, why have July in the first place?
But again, love the voice. Good luck on this!
Jodi
I was hooked until the second to last paragraph, which I found jarring. Otherwise I love it and want to know what happens to July.
ReplyDeleteI'm totally waffling here. There are elements I like, but the opening is confusing and I have no idea where the story is going. I would read a few more pages to see if it was worth the read.
ReplyDeleteHooked! Hook, line and sinker. I wouldn't change a word.
ReplyDeleteSpectacular voice! Interesting characters. Her family life/setting is crystal clear. Great writing.
Nice work!
I'm somewhat hooked, with two caveats. First, the voice is lovely, but I stopped with a jolt when I read Vancouver Island. I can hear the recognizable rhythm of a Southern lilt in my head as the passage unfolded. I had to re-read everything again to see if I'd missed something or pictured it wrong. Totally threw me.
ReplyDeleteI think you can simply delete paragraph 3; it's unnecessary. Reword the intro to Sammy so it flows better into paragraph 5, then hopefully by the next paragraph or so we're caught up with July and into the story of today -- my second caveat. What is this story about? This info about her grandma/mom/abuse must be vital to the story since it's on page 1, but the conflict could be anything at this point; the only thing you've said about the current day is she's 35. I'd probably read another page, if only to see where it's headed.
I'm hooked. Very interested in finding out what this MC with the wonderful voice is up to. I had no problem with the setting. The voice sounds more like a class distinction than a regional one.
ReplyDeleteThe first paragraph was brilliant, especially the last line. I'd keep reading for that alone, so I'm definitely hooked.
ReplyDeleteBeautifully done.. You've drawn me right in. I feel July's outrage and powerlessness. I'd definitely read on
ReplyDeleteReally nice voice and a great start to the story. Terrific use of language too! I was hooked when Momma twisted her hair and talked about selling her.
ReplyDeleteI like the whole June/July/Jul thing. Nice and unique.
The last paragraph has that rare combination of tragedy and childhood whimsy. Really well done!
I’d definitely keep reading.
LOVED this! Absolutely loved this.
ReplyDeleteWhen you get this published, please keep me on your email list.
Excellent start and congrats on winning!!
ReplyDeleteThank you all for your comments. It's incredibly helpful hear to how new readers react to the writing. I really appreciate the encouraging things you said and the insightful suggestions you made. I wish every one of you success with your writing.
ReplyDelete