TITLE: Resilience
GENRE: Suspense
Denise Tyler slapped closed the blue file cover after reading the third paragraph. One phrase in the note stunned her. It tore away the guise cloaking evil and changed her mind about Jeremy Guerdon.
She rubbed her throat and let her hand slide to her chest. The rhythm of her heart increased. Chills bathed her skin. She inhaled and held it to stave tightness in her chest. Stress inflamed the Sarcoidosis in her lungs. Pain would soon intensify with every breath. Weaken her. She exhaled. No relief.
She studied her image in the dresser mirror. The same figure she had before putting on the designs of Rory Beca and Catherine Malandrino faced her. The beauty from Tennessee realized what a misfit she was in her present situation, squashed by a hedonist. My life’s important too, she thought, shoving strands of damp hair off her bare shoulder.
The crisp paper rattled when Denise pulled the handwritten note from the file for another look. She wanted to be sure of its meaning. All doubt fled upon reading the next two paragraphs. That did it. Jeremy’s words proved intent. It cinched her will to leave him even though leaving sealed her fate. The writing contained one secret she refused to let control her. She refused to stick around and make it easy for him to kill her.
She accepted the fluke find as a warning. Something caused the folder to lodge behind the bottom dresser drawer. If she had not had a problem trying to get the drawer closed she might never have discovered the danger she now found herself in.
The opportunity to leave diminished if Jeremy returned home before she could get out of there. His enclosure of control had stifled Denise too long. She refused to vow “love, honor, and obey” after this. Her discovery of his secret life snapped any chance of that.
She lifted her hand and stared at the ring on her finger. The diamond winked at her. Denise slid the ring off her finger and dropped it in the palm of her left hand. Until now the ring had meant more to her than any single thing she ever owned except her life. Jeremy’s notes changed that the moment she read them.
Denise tossed the ring over her shoulder. The platinum dinged a couple times on the dresser top. She reached to turn off the accent light above the mirror and decided against it. A sparkle flashed off the three-carat diamond as if the princess cut stone knew what she was going through and imparted its approval.
Some things had been nice. The three-story house had an Olympic-size pool. A bank account provided unending resources. He bought a new Mercedes convertible for her to drive. And two closets filled with in-fashion clothes and more shoes than she ever thought she would have to choose from.
No. Jeremy’s goal was clear enough. What’s the difference? Fear nagged her even when he wasn’t there. Fear was one thing. To live another minute in the home of a killer was terror she could do without. Especially since she knew he had named her as a target.
She hurried into the walk-in closet. Release felt as good as the faded jeans she decided on and slipped into. The baggy ones he despised made her feel more at ease. She pulled on a Dodger’s jersey, leaving it unbuttoned until she finished snatching clothes off hangers and out of drawers and getting other necessities for her exodus.
She crammed everything she intended to take with her into two leather bags. She jammed her feet into a pair of white New Balance, hooked her left arm under one strap along with the strap on her purse, threaded her right arm under the strap on the second bag and heaved the straps on her shoulders. She pranced out of the room and up the hall, buttoning the jersey as she turned and waggled down the stairs.
At the bottom of the stairs Denise dug into her purse for her car keys, clutched them in her left hand, adjusted the air conditioning control to “Off” and reached for the front door knob.
Light flitted across the front of the house, flashing through the first floor windows. A small car wheeled into the driveway.
Denise retreated to the stairs, squeezing the handrail with every measured step upward. The steps emitted creaks she hadn’t noticed when she descended them.
She wished she could see more of the car than the front. Chevrolet? Toyota? She wasn’t sure. What did she know about makes and models of cars? In her opinion cars were nice, okay, ugly, and the foremost--affordable. The one in the driveway didn’t fit the affordable category.
She lingered a third of the way up on the stairs, afraid to=2 0move, thankful she had turned out all lights inside the house.
The car’s headlights stayed pointed at the house. Denise checked her breathing and listened. The sound of a door closing and clack-clack rhythm on the cobblestone walkway sent her clambering upstairs.
She crouched where the rail stopped and the wall started and peeked around the corner through the spindles. She clutched her bags to her torso in an attempt to control the tremors.
The door bell chimed on the wall above her. She slapped a hand over her mouth to squelch a shriek already on its way out because of the sudden noise. She whirled away from the corner and slumped against the wall. Her legs felt boneless as she slid to the floor.
Oh, God. Was the front door locked? She couldn’t remember.
She leaned far enough to see the front door and received her answer. It wasn’t the one she had hoped for. The door opened. The barrel of a pistol jutted through the space between the door and jamb.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I wasn't planning to crit this, but it just popped up in my inbox and I had to make a quick comment. Did you realize just about every other paragraph begins with "she"? A crit partner of mine commented on that once on my ms. Just thought I'd shared that with you.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with it!
Wow. Intriguing story. I read through it twice. Description of the surroundings was good enough to draw me in and visualize where Denise was. LOVE that.
ReplyDeleteThe first paragraph confused me. The writing felt awkward. I couldn't quite follow it. It tore away the guise cloaking evil?? Not sure what that means. But I'm a little dim sometimes and I have had only one cup of caffeine so far this morning. . . .
In the second paragraph, you used the word chest twice. I've been told by those who crit my stuff to try and not do that. If there's any way to vary that, it might be helpful.
Third paragraph where you say "that did it" is redundant to the previous sentence when "all doubt fled." I would consider taking out "that did it." I love the crisp paper rattled. Nice visual.
Love the "her discovery of his secret life snaped any chance of that." Love that sentence.
You use the word "step" twice in that paragraph where "Denise retreated to the stiars."
Love the end where the barrel of the pistol. That would keep me reading. I'm not one who reads suspense, usually, so take my ideas with a grain of salt. I like your writing. :-)
Hi there
ReplyDeleteI'm rooting for Denise. Get the heck out of there!!
This a suspense novel. If you found a note that stated your fiance was going to kill you would you take time to look at yourself in the mirror? Ruminate about how nice the house is? Commune with your engagement ring? Probably not. In order to really evoke the sense of panic she must be feeling, you need to have her hurrying through the house and getting out as fast as possible. All those details can be filled in later.
In the paragraphs about the ring--you use the word "ring" 4 times and words "hand" and "finger" several times.
The last paragraphs...would a killer actually ring the doorbell before going into the house to kill someone?
Good story and I'm rooting for Denise already, but you could tighten it up some and make it fabulous.
Good luck
Claire
Hi. Congrats on getting your story started and entered here. While I really like the set-up, I think you have some work to do when it comes to cementing the urgency of the situation and working on some verb issues.
ReplyDeleteI enjoyed being inside your character's head, but I agree with the previous poster when they mentioned being a little confused in the first few paragraphs. I had to read it all three times to clearly understand that she suspects her fiance/husband has hired a hitman, most likely targeting her. I'd suggest letting us sneak a glance at whatever the note says...maybe make that your first paragraph? Tell us more about Jeremy? Where is he now.
Also, in my opinion, the paragraph detailing her packing the bag, shouldering it, etc, is completely unecessary. You're working your way up to a very pivotal moment (the gunman walking into her house and all that detail is pointless. You can achieve a lot more intensity with less detail.
Then, she spots the car, right? Eliminate the personal thoughts on cars, the lack of knowledge about makes and models. In the situation she's found herself in, that's probably the LAST thing she'd be thinking about. If it were me, I'd put something in about alternate escape routes...is there another way out of the house? Does she have a cell phone on her? Should she call for help?
This line.."She pranced out of the room and up the hall, buttoning the jersey as she turned and waggled down the stairs," is odd too. Again, this is not the stuff I'd be doing if I just found a note incriminating my lover (especially if I just learned he was trying to have me killed).
I hope this helps a little. I'm in no way an expert, but I really admire your passion for writing, and I thought I'd share some of my thoughts. Thanks for the chance to read.
Good luck!
-Shannon
Hi #33, I’m #31, so I feel I should dig in deeper. Just having one to do today, works really well for me, since I just got a bunch of family duties piled higher and deeper.
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, I very much like what you’re doing here. As soon as the car pulls up, the tension mounts with every move she makes. I wouldn’t change a word there to the finish. What could be more compelling than running for your life. This is the inciting incident in her life that changes everything, there’s no hint how her life will change, which is perfect for a mystery, and besides, she has no clue yet.
I’ll start with the pickies as my critique group calls them. Little things we all do, and your word program can highlight if you turn on the editing features.
Place commas after . . . until now/And(at the beginning of a sentence)/to drive/stairs/off/in her opinion.
Of course drop =2 0.
Door bell should be doorbell.
Your voice is strong, and I get a sense of her character, although I would love to know a little bit more about the Tennessee upbringing, which I bet will come later, and a little less about the straps and buttons. I realize your building tension, but maybe an inner strength from upbringing would be better in place of mechanical things and definitely then, if you like my idea, mix the inner and outer. Of course, doing this would have deprived me of your last paragraph for the purpose of this 1000 word presentation. Also due to a 1000 constraints, there’s not a moment of doubt about the words on his note, not one reflection on some alternative theory. He’s going to acting school, or some such ridiculous (but desparate) and quickly dropped idea. The warning idea, is an excellent place for a little Tennessee folklore or family history…which would be a great reason for her to revisit this later. So my only idea here is to up the introspection just a tad to balance all the externals and make your reader want to love this girl.
On the subject of suspending disbelieve: I’ve never heard of a killer, writing down his plan, and target, as if it was a business report, but my mind jumped to CIA paperwork, but I had to reject that, because they have secure communications, and burn/destroy/self-destruct/or incripted/ or coded policies. However, I’ll think of it as a hook. I’m definitely curious and would read on. One last thing on this. If he hand wrote the note and it slipped between files, wouldn’t he do everything he could to retrieve it? He must be spaced out, if he’s relying on her not finding it, or lackadaisical…I suppose that works.
I really like the premise: a Tennessee girl, with a wholesome background, and I'll assume, a certain naivitee about the world, balanced by strong survival instincts and intelligence,in trouble finding her way out.
Since we are in the same boat today, if ever you want a pen pal to bounce things of just email me at erapacrwr at hotmail dot com.
The best of luck,
Bob
You have a great eye for detail and a really good start of a suspense story (though not terribly original).
ReplyDeleteMy crit is similar to those above. I think you need to seriously pare this down to enhance the sense of danger. Denise's heart may be pounding but mine is thudding slowly as I wade through all the description, musing, etc. She can do all this info dumping =after= she gets away.
Eg, think of it as a film scene: She crumples the note, throws the ring (I'd keep it to finance my escape LOL), grabs some clothes and races down the stairs, is jerked to a stop by the sight of a car, an unfamiliar car, rolling quietly up the drive like a stalking wolf. (or whatever)
In sum: I think this can be good with some fairly severe editing. I like the character and want her to survive. Good job.
I just read the comment about the use of she. At 3 Seas literary agency's website, they recommend using "shes" in place of the character's name at about a one proper name per page rate. I think I saw this in some writing books, but can't remember the title.
ReplyDeleteA technique for including some incidentals and retaining urgency is to mention how all this thinking and noticing of outward things is done quickly. In just moments. She's moving thru denial, which shows a certain reticence to get herself in gear. Although, I agree with the other comments about urgency. Wheneever a well known author comes up against this problem he simply states the quickness (seconds) and the motivation...and moves on.
As before, best of luck,
Bob
I agree with what Claire said above. The sense of urgency doesn't start to build until the last four paragraphs. While there are some nice details that give us a sense of who Denise is and what she's leaving behind, those details may fit better a little later when the stakes aren't so high. It seems in a moment like this all of her thoughts would be focused on how to get out - of this life and, more immediately, of the house.
ReplyDeleteForget the mirror and the bag, get the Hell out of there, Denise!
ReplyDeleteGive me your thoughts about the house while you're driving away watching your ring bounce across the black pavement in your rear view mirror!
I would definitely read on... Good luck!
I would second many of the above comments. And add that I found it annoying you kept telling which paragraph(s) she was reading -- who cares? I also found it overwritten, a bit melodramatic. That said, I thought you have the beginnings of a good story hook here.
ReplyDeleteYou've spent a lot of time telling us unecessary stuff, and the one thing we did need to know, (What was in the note?)you kept hidden.
ReplyDeleteI'd suggest changing all the passive writing to active, and start with her opening a drawer, it gets stuck, she fiddles with it and finds the note. Then tell us what the note says. Not in a general way or hinted at. Give us an actual line that let's us know what her husband intends to do. Right there, you have your audience.
Then she needs to rush around and do what she has to do and get out of there.
Everyone is right. All the introspection and description slows this tremendously and kills all your tension. Save it for a slow moment.
First line got me - second paragraph of *what*? Of the blue file? Make it the handwritten note right there, and you've established the big item right away.
ReplyDeleteAlso, it feels like this was written to achieve maximum product placements. Enough with the name dropping. Plus, if someone isn't a fashionista, naming names just makes them feel NOT a part of the story. And a fashionista would probably say "really? Those two? I don't think so."
"Cinched her will" - I don't think cinched is the word you want. Clinched, maybe?
All this talk about the paragraphs and yet we still don't know what the note says. Very annoying. :)
The bit with all the straps ... do we really need to know exactly how and in what order she loaded the bags on her arms?
She clutched the keys in her left hand and adjusted the A/C to off and then opened the door - that threw me. What, she turned off the AC with the car keys? And would you really stop to do that before you get away from a murderer?!?
clack-clack on the cobblestones? Makes me think of high heels. Most men's shoes probably wouldn't clack, unless it's a fellow in tap shoes. But maybe it is a female murderer!
I tried to post this once before and lost it. So I'll try again.
ReplyDeleteI'm afraid this felt very over written. There were too many adverbs and adjectives.
I had the feeling you were trying very hard to paint us a picture, but I think your efforts would have been better spent on showing us the action.
I agree with other critters who suggested starting with the contents of the letter rather than alluding to them, and then to getting her out of there fast. Leave the introspection til later.
At this point in the story, I don't have a reason to care about the length of her hair, her engagement ring, her shoes or which hand she used to pick up her bags. Unless those actions are essential to the action, leave them out.
There were too details slowing the pace here and I suggest pruning back hard. In an action piece, shorter, active sentences are going to be more effective anyway.
There were several things that pulled me out of the story though.
I found your verb selections like pranced, cinched and squelched were slightly misplaced
Similarly vow should have been the noun form not the verb. eg She needed to keep her vows.
Stave should be stave off.
Hearts don't have rhythms. The heart beats do.
A pet peeve of mine is is ending sentences with a preposition. Sometimes it can't be avoided, but this example seemed clunky to me.
'the danger she now found herself in.'
I echo the need to give dialogue its own line, just for ease of reading.
A question. Is the Sarcoidosis important? It's a medical term and not especially clear or immediately relevant. Will it affect her ability to escape her assailant?
Finally kudos for submitting this. I hope you keep at it and get Denise out of there alive - with or without her wardrobe intact
This was a quick read for me, and the writing was unobtrusive. If "do no harm" is the key to good writing, then you have that in your possession. I think, however, that for a book to sustain the long hours it would take for you to write it, you'd need something more.
ReplyDeleteTo start, it's okay to have a quieter opening without the immediate danger as long as you've given us a specific character. In the opening pages of The Stand, for example, Stephen King delays the danger in order to regale us with specificity:
Now, listening to [them] argue on about money and the mysterious way it had of drying up, [Stu Redman] thought about the way his hands had bled at first from pulling the endless handtrucks of hides and guts.
The danger doesn't set in until the third page, when Stu spots the '75 Chevy headed for the gas pumps, turns off the pumps, watches the crash, and observes the nastiness inside the car. (Perhaps a first-time writer today has less time than three pages. Your submission has the equivalent of four.)
Specific characters require a specific situation, with specific detail. You have a faceless, vague man chasing after someone whose sole purpose is, it seems, to flee him. If the man were an advertising exec, or Denise was the district attorney, or either of them were airline pilots, then I'd sit up and take notice. If this were set in an exotic location, I'd sit up even more. And none of this requires more than an extra paragraph of description.
Ah, but what if you wished to withhold this information so as to entice readers into reading more? This is not a good strategy when the mystery ought to be WHY the man wants to kill Denise, not WHO the man is, WHO Denise is, WHAT town they're in, and so on.
As it is, the passage is vague. Vagueness begets vagueness. Make the vagueness go away. Banish it. Once it's gone out of the first page, make sure it never comes back for the rest of the novel. Only then will you have something that satisfies.
I admire your willingness to submit the story for instant critique. It takes guts to bear your creation to the public.
I agree with taking out the parts where she is looking in the mirror. If I found that note about my husband or fiance plotting to kill me, I would get the H#!! out of Dodge and not stop to ponder my life with him, how I look, the cars etc... Now after she has escaped him, then I could see putting those parts in.
ReplyDeleteCutting those parts I think will add more suspense.
Didn't get beyond the first three paragraphs. It reads to me as extremely over written and I jumped free, expecting more of the same.
ReplyDelete"Tore away the guise cloaking evil" is so over-the-top (for me) that I wondered what the author would say when something was actually happening to the character.
The second paragraph had me thinking she was about to change into a werewolf or something.
3rd paragraph: Beca and Malandrino? Now? Here? I thought the woman was about to explode and now she's checking her figure?
Okay, I literally pictured someone being "squashed" by a hedonist. I'm sorry. It involved a large piece of wood. Or a very large hedonist.
I don't want to sound mean. But... can the author find an example of a suspense novel with an opening that is as overtly dramatic as this, when, in truth, nothing at all is going on?
If so, I'm wrong about everything. Go for it.
This should start with the paragraph that begins "The crisp paper rattled when Denise pulled the handwritten note from the file for another look." Cut the first three paragraphs entirely.
ReplyDeleteAnd you have a few too many extraneous details in the the rest of it - for instance, her musings on car makes. (Why does it matter? What might matter is if she recognizes whose car it is - which you can get across simply by saying something like She strained to see if she could recognize the car. Period.)