TITLE: Ghost at the Edge of the Sea
GENRE: YA
Three weeks before I left for boarding school, I said to my mom, “I dreamed I was standing in the doorway of an airplane. We were up in the sky, and everybody was yelling ‘jump-jump-jump!’ But I didn’t have a parachute.”
I don’t know why I said it, because up until then, we’d been having a pretty good time. She had been teasing me about the fact I’d written I LOVE KEVIN SHARPE about a thousand times on this old notebook stowed under my bed. I told her I couldn’t care less about the guy. Kevin Sharpe had failed his driver’s license test and would be taking the bus to high school next fall. And anyway, there was a lifeguard at the pool that was completely hotter.
But since there was nothing I wanted to say to my own mom about how lifeguards could be super cute, and how pale they were below their tan line when their suits slipped down a little, or how they always smell like coconut oil and chlorine, that dream stuff fell out of my mouth while I was trying to make sure the boy stuff stayed in.
I knew right away I’d said the wrong thing. My mom’s hand dropped from the box she was filling, and I could see all the energy deflate out of her. Like she was a vacuum and I had tripped over her cord and unplugged her from the wall or something. It’s just a dream, I wanted to say right away. It was just a stupid dream. I had practically forgotten about it already.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I am hooked! This is great. I love the details, especially the smells (coconut oil, chlorine) - and I love how the dream stuff "fell out" of her mouth becaue of trying to keep the "boy stuff" in. I can relate to that feeling. And I really like the "show don't tell" with the mom's hand dropping from the file box. I would definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteGreat voice. I also love the details about the "boy stuff" and how the "dream stuff" slipped out while holding the other stuff in. I am intrigued to know why that dream would upset her mother so much, as it sounds fairly innocuous to me. I would read on.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the other comments. The voice is strong, and the vacuum line was dead on. My only suggestion would be to move the first paragraph to just before the last one. the first line in paragraph two is a little stronger (in my opinion, which is notoriously wrong). I'd still read on, even as it's written. Nicely done.
ReplyDeleteI really liked this, great voice. Loved the lifeguard details and I want to know why the Mom is so freaked by a dream too.
ReplyDeleteI think I agree with Walter, I wouldn't move the first paragraph just rework it. It doesn't quite have the same flow as the rest.
Great job though I'm hooked!
This raises a question, so definitely you hooked me. I have questions, and would keep reading for the answers. I am wondering if today's teens still use sunscreen that smells like coconut, though. I'm a fogey, so I used it, sure, but is it still ubiquitous? The stuff I use for my kids doesn't smell like that.
ReplyDeleteOverall, good work.
Not hooked. The voice seems too young to me, maybe twelve or thirteen, not the fifteen or sixteen Kevin Sharpe and his failed driver's test imply. And although I appreciate the little details and your easy-to-read style, I can't get past the fact that nothing's really happening.
ReplyDeleteI once again find myself in agreement with Krista. It sounds to me like her mom is totally overreacting to the dream, a not-at-all uncommon one.
ReplyDeleteI would definitely read on. Like the voice,convincing. Loved the vacuum line, very creative. I must have a dirty mind, as I was going on the wrong track about the pale below the tan (sorry, likely my own doing...).
ReplyDeleteExcellent. I want more!
ReplyDeleteI'm curious about why the mom reacted so drastically to a dream. I love the lifeguard description and the fact that the MC is over Kevin Sharpe because he has to take the bus to school. Very good.
ReplyDeleteThe vacuum cleaner description is great too.
I'd read on
Good luck
I'm somewhat hooked, but I didn't really get a sense of the story. Why would the dream bother her mom so much? You have some really nice descriptions but I'm needing a little more info to really hook me.
ReplyDeleteThis is way cool. I would definitely read on to find out about her mom's odd reaction to the dream.
ReplyDeleteWhat's up with mom, I am wondering. I like the lifeguard imagery :). Some of the language does seem a bit youthful for a 15-16 year old so I have some concerns this might be a bit uneven. Getting the voice to match up with the age of the character is one of the hardest things to pull off with YA, I think.
ReplyDeleteHooked. Really want to read on to find out what that dream means. But I thought this girl was twelve or thirteen and now that I know she's older, I think she feels a little immature.
ReplyDeleteI would keep reading, because I want to know what the dream means, but something about the MC's voice, her thoughts and actions don't ring true for me.
ReplyDeleteThis happens to me when I try to write characters who are way younger or older, and then they seem to waver, granted teenagers do that, but it's more of an attitude thing than the thoughts in their heads because there aren't very many at that age!
Hope that helps, but like I said, the idea is there and that would keep me for a while.
I'm guessing her mum reacted that way because she thought her daughter was upset about going to boarding school? Maybe?
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I did like it. I liked the voice and boarding school stories are always fun.
Yes, hooked.
ReplyDeleteSome things I especially liked - how Kevin is old news because he failed his driving test and would be riding the bus, her thought about lifeguards' tan lines and their suit slipping down, how the dream stuff fell out of her mouth while she was trying to keep the boy stuff in, the description of the energy going out of her mom like an unplugged vacuum.
I would definitely keep reading to find out why her mom reacted so strongly to the mention of the dream, and mostly because I like the voice.
I liked this a lot. Nice YA voice. I liked the lifeguard comments and the line about the vacuum, and I'm curious why the dream freaked out her mom so much.
ReplyDeleteLittle nitpick: 'my own mom' could just be 'my mom'.