TITLE: Ghost Moon Night
GENRE: Paranormal Mystery
Dasalin, Philippines
I was six when I first discovered the peculiar nature of Ghost Moon Night.
"You must stay indoors from dusk until dawn," Mother said one moonless evening.
"I'm thirsty," I whined. "I want water from the pump."
Mother said I had to wait until sun-up, but I didn't want to wait that long. I snuck out the back door and ran past the ditch where the labandera washed the clothes, to the outside kitchen where the pump was.
Someone had already beaten me to it. At first I thought it was Trining, the servant-girl, but realized it wasn't. For one thing, Trining had just cut her hair with a pair of dull scissors, and this girl had long hair over a dark shawl.
She had her back turned towards me. I heard the handle of the pump creak as she lifted it up, the gush of water hitting the ground. Next came a horrible noise. Even now, seventy years later, the hairs on my arm stand on end when I think about it.
It was the sound of an animal slurping noisily, gulping in mouthfuls, with satisfied growls coming from the back of its throat.
I stood there frozen, then turned right around and ran to the back door. I twisted the knob, but it wouldn't budge. I must have accidentally locked it behind me. I pounded on the door and cried, "Mother! Mother!"
Miss Snark's First Victim
I was hooked until the last three paragraphs and semi-hooked on those. My problem was that I needed to see what scared the character about slurping sounds. Drinking water? It felt like it should be something else (blood came to mind :D). So, I guess I would read a bit more to see what that was - the point of this right? :D
ReplyDeleteHooked. I like that this is an old woman relating a memory from her childhood, still vivid for its terror. And I'm thinking the noise is so horrible because an apparent servant girl wouldn't be making such animalistic sounds.
ReplyDeletePretty good hook.
ReplyDeleteLove the first line. Very visual opening. I like the idea of an old woman/man (wasn't clear to me, unless I missed it) looking back. And getting locked out.
ReplyDeleteI want to read more.
I like the setting. I think any kid would get scared of something that he thought was a girl but sounded like a growling animal. It makes us wonder what the creature is. I'd keep reading on.
ReplyDeleteI'd read on, I'm hooked. I pictured everything. I'd cut the sentence "For one thing, Trining..." You don't need it. I'd rather see the sentence that comes after "Mother! Mother!"
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
Oh my! I want to know why the woman at the pump sounded like a beast. I'd read on. And Ghost Moon Night? Who can resist that?!
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I like the setting and I'm curious to know more about the Ghost Moon Night.
ReplyDeleteYou could bring the pov in a bit closer by cutting "I heard" and just saying "The handle of the pump creaked..."
I particularly like the dull scissor haircut and I hope it is a detail that comes into play later on.
Hooked. I'm screaming with the girl wanting the mother to open that door before the beast gets her. Wondering if screaming was really wise. What if the beast gets there before Mother?
ReplyDeleteThere is something so horrifying to me about beauty being beastly. I mean, from the back this is a woman with long hair and a shawl and then you find she's a beast and it's very scary because women shouldn't be beasts.
This sample mostly made me curious. The Philippines is an unusual setting...I don't have a strong sense one way or the other how the market will feel about it. It is also possible that the present day part of the ms takes place elsewhere. I like genre mashups, so I am interested to know what this paranormal mystery is like as the story progresses. More mystery, more paranormal elements or a totally even split?
ReplyDeleteOoh, I like this. The setting and the hook are both great, and make me want to read more.
ReplyDeleteI would read on.
ReplyDeleteA few nitpicks:
**At first I thought it was Trining, the servant-girl, but realized it wasn't. For one thing, Trining had just cut her hair with a pair of dull scissors, and this girl had long hair over a dark shawl.**-- could be shortened to: At first I thought it was Trining, the servant-girl, but Trining had just cut her hair with a pair of dull scissors, and this girl had long hair over a dark shawl.
*lifted it up* can just be 'lifted it'
*stand on end when I think about it* -- I think this needs to be in past tense: stood on end when I thought about it.
I'm hooked. I liked the idea of a Philippine setting and I think you built the tension well.
ReplyDeleteI disagree with the above comment about the verb tense regarding the hairs standing up on end. The MC is recounting to the reader that the events are still affecting her.
Well done.