TITLE: A Crack In The Dam
GENRE: Upper Middle Grade Speculative Dystopian Mess, at the moment.
Twelve year-old Vadin (narrator) and his little sister are heading upstairs after dinner on a Friday night. They live in a mansion: huge curving staircase, long hallways. Vadin's older brother, Derik, is a sociopathic bully. Oh, and Vadin has a pet gub (fictional animal) named Stubby.
Nearing the stairs we both froze when we saw my brother approach from the opposite hall.
“Save yourself,” I whispered to Kinsey. She didn’t hesitate, darting up the stairs to her room.
I followed her casually, ignoring Derik like I wasn’t afraid of him. This must have annoyed him because he shoved me in the back.
“It’s kind of early to go to bed,” he said. “Unless you’re a little baby.”
“It’s kind of early to be home,” I replied. “Unless you have no friends.”
I took off before I finished the last sentence. I heard my brother clomping up after me, but he couldn’t catch me on the stairs. On a flat race, yes, but on the stairs we were about even. It would be a close race to my room, and if I couldn’t get the door closed and locked in time, I was doomed.
I reached the top of the stairs and sprinted down the hall. My neck hairs prickled, expecting a hand to grab my shoulder and pull me backwards. He’d slam me onto the floor and kick me in the ribs. And then he'd convince my parents I deserved it.
But instead, I heard a thump.
“You stupid gub!” Derik yelled. “You’re dead!”
Stubby yelped. He must have tangled himself between Derik’s legs and tripped him, just like he always did to me.
Safety was a step away.
Stubby shrieked again, high and pained.
My brain screamed, “Save yourself!” But I ignored it and ran back.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Good. I'm glad he ran back to save his pet and I hope he gives his toady brother a wallop !
ReplyDeleteNice job with this<:
Oh! Pets in pain- icky. He better save his pet because my own middle grader would throw across the room any book with a pet murdered before his eyes. He'll knock a guy down in a sporting event without looking back, but pets- no way.
ReplyDelete(if Stubby does indeed have to go for the sake of your story-I suggest doing it off pages.)
Now, obviously you got me emotionally involved in 250 words- good job. And the flow from the second sentence on was great. I don't remember a single pause, but that first sentence was a bit clunky. How about- "We froze at the bottom of the steps. Derik was approaching from the hall."
I like it. I'd definitely keep reading. The only sticking point for me is that "Save yourself" sounds a little over-the-top--being kicked in the ribs is nasty but not generally deadly.
ReplyDeleteGreat read! Poor Stubby! I don't have anything else to day, except that "Upper Middle Grade Speculative Dystopian Mess" is a great title. Maybe "Stubby and the Upper Middle Grade Speculative Dystopian Mess" :)
ReplyDeleteI liked the voice of this, too. I definitely sense the danger, and Vadin seems like such a real and likeable MC. I wonder a little at Derik - I'm having a hard time believing his parents allow him to beat up his siblings for their own good - but trusting that the character development is there, I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteGood job. I'd look for repetitive words and phrases, like "Save yourself" and stairs (you can vary it with steps) and race (you use it at least 3 times). Otherwise it's very well done.
ReplyDeleteThis is really exciting. I think your POV character is great for going back to save Stubby. I only got confused once--when they were running up the stairs. I heard my brother clomping up after me. I would put that he's heading up the stairs first.
ReplyDeleteI don't care how many monsters you throw at me, there's nothing more frightening than a vile human being, and you created one!
ReplyDeleteMaybe squeeze in a bit more of a sense of dread on Vadin's part, and the overall writing could be tightened. Someone mentioned the 'nearing the stairs' sentence. You could cut 'didn't hesitate' from the 2nd parg. "this must have annoyed him' in the 4th could go.
The tension, suspense and danger are there. Just give it another once over for unnecessary words and phrases.
And the ending - going back to save his pet - just upped the stakes another level, and made an instant hero of Vadin. Very nice!
I like this, but please don't let him kill Stubby! I couldn't read that.
ReplyDeleteI agree, the brother is vile, and the younger boy a hero for being willing to brave the creep to save his pet.
I'd keep reading, (as long as Stubby is safe).
I think Stubby has hooked everyone :-) I think this could be tightened a bit by cutting down repetitive words (eg. race) but apart from that, good job.
ReplyDeleteThis definitely drew me in, and I already like (and trust) Vadin. I love that you made up an animal- I like the word "gub" too. It sounds so....pet-like. Here are my suggestions:
ReplyDelete1.) In the second paragraph when he says "save yourself" - it took me out of the narrative. It sounds too dramatic for a 12 y.o. boy to say to his sister. I'd prefer him to say something more direct, like "Get to your room," "get out of here," or simply, "Go." An exception would be if this phrase, "save yourself" is something that Vadin and his sister use throughout the book as a kind of code phrase to each other when they are around Derik.
2.) I'd delete "this must have annoyed him." Let the reader figure out why Derik shoves him in the back.
3.) I'd make the "kind of early to go to bed" insult more insulting somehow. Maybe scrap it and replace it with something more personally offensive.
4.) Consider deleting "but he couldn't catch me on the stairs" as well as the sentence right after that. To me, that would make the tension thicker.
Good luck!!!
Loved it! I'm very worried about Stubby and I like Vadin for risking his own ribs to save his pet.
ReplyDeleteI also liked "save yourself." It was a bit melodramatic, but something kids would say when faced with a demonic older sibling.
Great job at setting the mood of danger!
This is great! Vadin telling his sister to run, then his bravado in returning a taunt when he's actually scared got the tension off to a great start. The bravado made it believable that he'd turn back to save his pet, too. You did a nice job in presenting the cost (kick in the ribs) succinctly, as well. Neck hairs prickling was super--mine did too! Again, this was a great job!
ReplyDeleteGood job making me feel for the characters. I really don't like Derik, and good for Vadin going back to help his pet.
ReplyDeleteGood job overall, but I was distracted by the repetitive use of words/statements.
Overusage of the word "stairs" pulled my attention to that rather than what was happening.
Also, the word "race" is used in two consecutive sentences. I think you could remove "It would be a close race to my room, and" still leave me with a clear understanding about the race up the stairs.
Using "save yourself" at the beginning and then again at the end, made me think, "didn't he just say that?"
Maybe use something else at the end... "At the risk of being pulverized, I ran back."
Otherwise, I did feel his fear of Derik and for his pet. Save Stubby!