TITLE: Eagle's Wings
GENRE: Young Adult
Marie Fowler is a teenage cyclist competing in a finals race that determines who will advance to the regional competition. This scene comes at the end of the race; Matt is another cyclist who has acted more and more peculiar as Marie's success grows.
The wind picked up again, pushing my bike sideways. I nearly hit Matt as my shirt billowed like a canary-yellow sail. He shot me a sharp look, his shoulders set in an angry clench.
The cracks of Saturday-morning golf balls became more frequent. It was time to put an end to this race. Matt apparently had the same thought. We both sped up, tires humming across the pavement, gears clacking as we up-shifted.
Speed was the key.
It was like a little kid’s race down the driveway—reckless, swift, each of us matching the other’s pace and then trying to top it. Matt gasped for air, and my mouth quirked into a grin.
This is over. I’m about to smoke him.
He caught my look, and glared, matching my pace even though he looked like he might pass out. I tried to shake him, but a sudden burning in my legs and lungs cut me short.
Three cyclists advance. I’ll be all right, I thought.
As we crested the final hill, entering the sight of the small crowd at the finish line, Matt began to edge closer to me. Confused, I accelerated, still hoping to get by him. Up ahead, Angela swept across the finish line. Matt wavered nearer.
I swerved to the left, near the edge of the pavement, as Matt continued to crowd me. His mouth was set, his eyes squinting. He tilted his bike away.
I realized it one horrible second too late.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I liked this- I'd read on to see what he did with the bike!
ReplyDeleteOops one more thing. This tripped me up a bit: Three cyclists advance. I’ll be all right, I thought.
ReplyDeleteShould the first part be italicized? is she thinking that? I thought it should read:
Three cyclists advance (not in italics). I’ll be all right (in italics). No "I thought" needed. See what I mean?
This worked for me. Short, well-paced paragraphs. Snappy sentences full of tension. Great job!
ReplyDeleteI like it--quick and tense. I think I understood the "3 cyclists advance' bit (the first 3 get to the next level, and even if Matt passes her she'll be one of them?), but I was puzzled by the Saturday morning golf balls.
ReplyDeleteI didn't get the "three cyclists advance" until I read Joanna's comments. Now I do, but I think you might want to clarity it a bit more in case others didn't get it.
ReplyDeleteGood pacing. Lots of tension.
Really great scene! Tense, sentences are spot in in structure.
ReplyDeleteA few nits- the golf balls and the part where she's 'confused'. I think the golf balls pull away from the scene and I don't know what she's confused about.
I liked this very much! It kept me hopping and I haven't been on a bike in years. My only question is in reference to her shirt billowing. The serious cyclists I've seen practically spray paint their clothing on, so wouldn't she do the same? It might be totally normal, it was just something that stuck out to me. :)
ReplyDeleteWorst case scenario occurred to me - he's about to ram her wheel with his in a suicidal take out move. Or he's about to do something dangerous that leaves her in his dust while he places behind the other girl.
ReplyDeleteNice bit here. I think that some of the wording nudged me out of focus, like the nearly hitting Matt because her shirt is billowing or the 'sudden burning in her legs and lungs'. This could be me, but if you are experienced enough at something that causes exertion (running, for example), you are never surprised by 'sudden' cramps or burning lungs. Another thing was him glaring while alternately looking like he's passing out.
Those are minor nits, as the pacing is pretty tight and clear.
I think this is excellent. I agree that "three cyclists advance" should not be italicized. I also would put it that part in past tense like the rest of the non-italicized text. One more thing, not sure about "shoulders set in an angry clench" - sort of took me out of the narrative. Maybe just "shoulders clenched" - sometimes less and more and all that. But still, as I said, I think this is great. Really great.
ReplyDeletecorrection - meant "less IS more" not "less AND more." Jeez. probably shouldn't be doing this while trying to cook dinner and watch the kids :)
ReplyDeleteI really liked this, too. I love a good race, and when you add a cheating competitor it just makes it all the more exciting. I'd love to find out what happens next.
ReplyDeleteWell done.
I thought the pacing here was perfect, and I could feel the tension.
ReplyDeleteA few small things --
I didn't get why she was confused.
And at one point, Matt edged closer - which made me think he was behind her and catching up. Then the next sentence says - I accelerated, hoping to get by him - which made me think he was ahead of her. So I wasn't really sure what their positions were in this race in relationship to each other. Perhaps make that clearer, or maybe it's just me not getting it.
Well done!
This was good. The only thing that threw me was the line: Speed is the key. It seemed like kind of an obvious statement to make. Apart from that it was good and I felt tension and danger at the end.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteThis was really good. A few things confused me. Is the race course on a golf course? I guess that would definitely make it dangerous with all the golf balls flying at you.
ReplyDeleteThe clothing doesn't seem approapriate for a race. Usually the lyra shirts are fitted, not billowing.
And why is he beginning to edge closer to her, and then she's confused and accelerating to catch to him? I don't remember him passing her in that paragraph. No wonder she's confused. So am I.
One other thing. If this was such a big race, then why is Matt so out of shape compared to Marie? Guys are naturally stronger, faster, and have a greater aerobic power compared to girls. So even if he didn't train as hard as she had, they would have still be fairly equally matched due to the difference in gender. And if he really was that out of shape, then why was he even in the finals of a regional competition in the first place. I have a master's of science degree in exercise physiology, which is why this part bugs me. Hopefully you have a logical explanation.
I'd love to read this to find out why Matt is growing more and more peculiar as Marie's success grows.
Good job!
(PS. I'm the deleted comment from before. I just wanted to make my point a lot clearer than it was.)
I feel the excitement of the race... but I'm not feeling fear.
ReplyDeleteIt's the same excitement anyone feels when competing and wanting to win so badly.
I need to know what she's afraid of. Losing? Getting hurt? Humiliation? How is Matt acting more and more peculiar? Does he want to see her lose at any cost? Since he is tilting his bike away, is he avoiding the collision it appears she is about to have? What does she think/feel when she finally does notice?
That would show me the fear, so I would need to read more.