TITLE: BROKEN
GENRE: YA paranormal
This is the middle of a scene where the Hero, Caleb, and the Heroine, Sarah, are reconciling their misunderstandings about dating. At the same time, strange occurances have been happening in the town, and Sarah is begining to believe that Caleb is somehow connected.
His eyes swept over the landscape a second time before they rested on me. I nearly jumped when I recognized the concern etched on face. I’d seen this look before in my dreams.
The edge to his voice scared me. “You must do exactly what I say. Do you understand?” My eyes widened, but I nodded. “Don’t get out of the car for any reason.”
I trembled as he shoved on the door and leapt out. He slammed it closed, and out of habit, I locked the doors. I squirmed forward, trying to locate his dark shape against the woods. There were no campus safety lights in the park. SGA would be hearing from me.
I swore I heard a voice call out and Caleb answer. But as my breath fogged up the windows, I lost sight of his silhouette. I rubbed away the white film and saw nothing at first. A scream tore through my lungs with a burn when a black shape whizzed over the hood and shook the Mercedes. I pressed back against the seat, my heart expanding in my throat and preventing air in my lungs. The thing flew by again followed by another shape.
My voice scratched in a whisper. “Caleb?”
Minutes passed and nothing else happened. My imagination whirled at sickening speed, and I envisioned Caleb injured and unconscious somewhere. I’d seen enough strange things since I’d arrived in Wenham to know that this classified as one.
Miss Snark's First Victim
Nice. You've evoked a creepy scene here, and I would definitely want to read on and find out what happened to Caleb.
ReplyDeleteJust a few things that are a little awkward - "A scream tore through my lungs" should probably come after "a black shape whizzed over the hood," because the shocking event has to happen before causing the scream. Also, "preventing air in my lungs" doesn't quite make sense.
I agree with Matril that you've set a nice creepy scene. I kinda want to know what happens right after this because I feel like that will be the danger. Right now it seems like she maybe pretty safe in the car.
ReplyDeleteI also agree that some of the sentences are a bit awkward like: I squirmed forward.
I can't really picture that, but I think I get what you're trying to say. Squirm forward is just a confusing action.
I liked this. In the second sentence, though, you missed the "his" before "face." And in the last sentence, "qualified" might work better than "classified."
ReplyDeleteYou've definitely created a sense of danger here, and I'm very much intrigued. Nice job.
I agree with what the two before me said, but I will try to add to it.
ReplyDeleteAnother writer once told me the tightness in the chest, lump in the throat should only be used if you've got nothing else. You've used it twice here. One would be enough.
You don't need quite so much to show the fear. You mention the screams, the lump in the throat and trembling. You can leave some out. If it were me, I would take out:"I trembled as he shoved on the door and leapt out" so that it just reads "Caleb shoved open the door and leapt out into the snow (assuming there is snow)." We already know she's afraid.
"I nearly jumped when I recognized the concern etched on face"
I would reword that more like this :The look of concern etched on his face startled me."
"My eyes widened, but I nodded" sounds off to me. Her eyes widening has nothing to do with her nod. Maybe try something like: "Although the edge in his voice frightened me, I nodded."
And instead of "I pressed back against the seat, my heart expanding in my throat and preventing air in my lungs."
Try: Breathless, I pressed myself back against the seat."
You can probably do better than any of my examples, but you get the idea. Good luck! Sounds intriguing.
I liked this piece but agree it could be tightened. There was a typo in the second sentence - you left off the his.
ReplyDeleteAlso why weren't the windows already fogged if they had been sitting in the car and looking out first? Perhaps you could have her press her face against the window which increased the fog.
The other's have pointed out the other things.
All in all I enjoyed it and want to read more!
"I swore I heard a voice call out and Caleb answer." For some reason, this tripped me up. I was in the scene until this point.
ReplyDelete"A scream tore through my lungs with a burn when a black shape whizzed over the hood and shook the Mercedes."
Others have already commented on the order of this. I'd also suggest just using, "I screamed" or "My scream tore through.." Otherwise, it sounds like the scream is happening to her. And it's not necessarily identifiable as her scream.
This is the beginning of an actiony bit. Remember to use simple, direct sentences. If the reader is invested, hopefully they'll be racing through trying to find out what happens. But you also have to compensate for potential skimmers in these sections. Not boredom skimming, but excitement skimming. :)
I could feel the suspense and danger here.
ReplyDeleteTightening up the writing could make it even better.
'I'd seen THAT look . . "
He should speak first before she hears the edge in his voice.
When he tells her not to get out of the car, how does she react to that statement? Is she fearful? Does she think he's being bossy or a jerk? How she reacts will also help set tone and mood.
She can't locate him when he first leaves the car. And then she loses his silhouette. But she never found him in order to lose him again.
Maybe rework this sentence by sentence so the writing becomes as strong as the mood you've created.
I agree with the other commenters. Nice job of tension, just needs some tightening and more active sentences. "I swore I heard a voice.." could be "A voice called. Caleb answered." But... could she identify voices from the car? Maybe just, "Voices called out."
ReplyDeleteAnyway, good job!