TITLE: Lost in a Heartbeat
GENRE: YA contemporary
Calleigh is swimming for the first time since giving up the sport competitively after she was raped. The dolphin charm bracelet is very special to her. Her grandmother had given it to her.
I lifted my arm up in preparation to take the next stroke, and watched helplessly as my charm bracelet slipped off my wrist and sank into the murky waters of the lake.
A hollow feeling seized me. “Great,” I muttered. It was a sign. I really wasn’t supposed to be swimming again.
I took a deep breath, filling my lungs as much as possible, dove down to the bottom of the lake directly beneath me, and groped around the sand, searching for my bracelet.
And then I found it. Or at least something that felt like it could be my bracelet. It had drifted down through a gap between two logs. It was fluke that I found it. Lucky for me, my hand had slipped though the opening while searching for the bracelet.
As I began to extract my hand, I accidentally bumped against the logs. The top one shifted, pinning me in place. I tried to jerk my hand lose, but the heavy log prevented me from escaping. I struggled again, aware that at any moment I’d be forced to suck in that final breath. But instead of air, water would fill my lungs; my life would be over.
A lightheadedness invaded my mind; my lungs screamed. This was it. No one would save me. Just like that night.
Something touched my shoulder, startling me. Without meaning to, I took a final breath.
Miss Snark's First Victim
You caught me. I really want to know what happens next, who saves this character, and why. Well done.
ReplyDeleteOne typo: "It was fluke that I found it." Should be a fluke.
Great.
ReplyDeleteOne thing that did cause a distraction was the part where she got trapped. I still don't know how she got trapped. A log fell on her hand? Wouldn't her first reaction be pain and the rush of adrenaline immediately afterwards?
A few typo/grammar notes:
ReplyDelete1) The sentence that starts, "I took a deep breath" sounds awkward to me. It's technically correct, but mixing a gerund (filling) with all the other verbs confused me for a minute.
2) The fluke thing that Holly already mentioned.
3) "I tried to jerk my hand lose"--I think you meant "loose?"
Otherwise, I liked it!
Interesting situation. I'd like more input. What does she see? Dark, murky images through the water? I want to be swimming along side her as she goes to the bottom of the lake. What does she feel? is the water cold? Does the log have a smily and slippery moss covering it? What sounds are coming into her ears? Are they muffled? A little more of what's going on inside her head. Fear? Panic? Is her heart racing? Can she feel it, or hear it, pounding in her ears?
ReplyDeleteHope that helps.
I'm with Michael. This could use more sensory details and emotion. If the bracelet is so special, she's needs a bigger reaction to losing it than "great."
ReplyDeleteWhen she goes under to look for it, perhaps show us her worry and concern. It was a gift from G'ma and what if she never finds it.
When she gropes around the sand, perhaps let us know if she can see well, if it's dark and murky.
When she finds it, show her reaction. Is she happy? Relieved? Then show us her fear when her hand gets stuck. Telling us what will happen without any emotion from her makes it read like a report. What would you do, think, feel in that situation? Let Calleigh feel it all, too. It will add a lot more tension and suspense.
I liked it! I agree that it needs a little more emotion and visualization-not alot more though!
ReplyDeleteI like the set-up here, but the paragraph that begins "As I began to extract my hand..." feels too in control, too precise and aware, when all I'd be thinking at the time would be "get this log off me!"
ReplyDeleteMaybe try simpler, choppier sentences to create impact. And 86 the semi-colons. ;)
Also, something startled her at this point? Kind of an understatement, imo.
Just my 2 cents, but I hope that helps!
Being stuck underwater - that hooks me right there. And I love how this ends - something touching her shoulder as she takes her final breath. I would definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteInstead of "pinning me in place," I would suggest, "pinning my arm." The rest of her body is free, it's just her hand that's stuck, right?
Nice job.
Very gripping. Would add a little more suspense, and try re-wording third to last paragraph... accidentally bumped against the logs.
ReplyDeleteShe doesn't seem as terrified as she should be in that fifth paragraph. I think I'd be doing more than struggling to escape - I'd be jerking, yanking, clawing.
ReplyDeleteBut I do want to see what happens next. On the whole, I like this.
From your blurb, I was excited to read your story. I have to say, though, that it fell apart for me in the second paragraph.
ReplyDeleteIf her charm bracelent is so special to her, would she just mutter "Great" when she lost it, or would she panic/cry/automatically dive into the water after it, out of instinct? The way it plays out, it seems like, "Oh, great. Another bad thing has happened to me. Such is life." What I imagined was her need to cling to the bracelet, kind of like a security blanket, so her under-reaction was a disappointment for me.
There are quite a few typos throughout, but other critters have commented on those already.
"It was fluke that I found it. Lucky for me, my hand had slipped though the opening while searching for the bracelet." ---> Lucky for her? Seems to me like it was unlucky for her. With the wording that you're using, I had the feeling that she found a treasure or something cool, not that she was trapped. I was expecting a treasure or something cool, not physical harm. So when I was thrown into the next paragraph of her struggling for breath, I had to play catch up.
Not sure if I'm making sense or not, but my basic point is that everything seems rushed and somewhat confusing. My suggestion? Slow down a little. Show us more about what Calleigh sees, or what she doesn't.
Best of luck!
I like the idea here but a few things bother me, grammatical and spelling errors aside.
ReplyDeleteWhy is she wearing the bracelet? I ask because I have an amulet that I wear ALWAYS. It was briefly lost at my twin siste'rs wedding and guests still talk about the girl in the evening gown hysterically searching for her necklace. I NEVER take the amulet off EXCEPT when I swim. It's never been in water deeper than a bathtub because I'm so afraid of loosing it. So we need to know WHY Calleigh is wearing such a treasured item in a lake.
Also, what kind of stroke is she using? If she's racing, how does she have the time to 'watch' the bracelet fall? I'd think she might feel the weight of it sliding off rather than see it.
I agree with the comments about 'Great' being a strange response to loosing afore mentioned cherished item. I can list the words I'd use, but it'd make my comment R rated.
I've lost stuff in lakes, and found stuff in lakes. The reaching between logs isn't strange but it needs to be mentioned. You have Calleigh groping in sand (wouldn't it be that soft silty lake mud?) and then suddenly with her hand between logs. If you just mention her feeling her way over the logs, it'd make more sense.
Then the logs shifting. I grew up in mountain lakes where all sorts of things are under the water, from trees to old cars. But bumping the logs wouldn't cause them to just suddenly shift and fall DOWN. Water lightens things. Now, if Calleigh struggled to force her arm down through the logs, tugging on them and such, they might then shift without warning and catch her. And once things shifted, it doesn't take weight, only leverage to pin you.
I ADORE the last sentence! And I really want to know what happens next! Sorry my comment was so long, I just see so much potential here.
I think it's really good. Adding a smidge more emotion won't hurt but just a flavor. I like her voice. I read all the meaning in "Great." I don't think you need much more here at all.
ReplyDeleteI'm hooked and would absolutely read on. I do think you can do some things here to make it more realistic and help us suspend our disbelief:
ReplyDelete1.) Explain why she's wearing a charm bracelet in a lake. Seems like she would have taken it off first. If you realize that the only reason you have her doing that is so that she gets stuck, come up with something else to make her stuck instead. In other words, don't force a situation of it's not realistic. But on the other hand, if you can find a good reason for her to be wearing the bracelet in the lake, go for it.
2.) "a hollow feeling seized me" - "hollow" and "seized" don't go together well in my mind. "Hollow" is so empty and "seized" is so, well, gripping - which implies there is something to grip, ie not empty. There's a dissonance here.
3.) I would delete the "Great" sentence. The paragraph reads stronger without it.
4.) I'd put us more in the scene in the "And then I found it" paragraph. The last sentence is past perfect (I think) - which takes is out of the scene. Let it happen for us as it happens for her.
5.) "pinning me in place" - change to pinning her hand in place.
I love the last two paragraphs - particularly the sentence "just like that night."
please excuse my typos - i'm going too fast!
ReplyDeleteYou have done a good job and just need some tweaking, so be encouraged! A lot of good advice has already been given, so here's another take. To make a passage tense, it's best to "show" and not "tell." First, use strong action verbs in tight sentences. "I lifted my arm up in preparation to take the next stroke, and watched helplessly" is slow-motion action. Secondly, instead of "watched helplessly" (which is "telling"), use a physical description of the character's reaction to clue the reader in ("I gasped as..."). This passage offers great opportunity for sensory details and strong, descriptive verbs. Take advantage of it by putting the reader into the character's skin so s/he experiences everything the character does, and you will have added power to what you've written.
ReplyDelete"Great" doesn't seem a very strong reaction to someone losing a precious piece of jewellery. It's more something you'd say when you were inconvenienced during an already-lousy day. Swearing or screaming seem like more appropriate reactions to me.
ReplyDeleteI also think you need to reorder the sentences where she finds the bracelet (or whatever it is). In an action scene, I think the sentences need to be in chronological order so the reader can get caught up in the action and not have to go back and rerun events in their head. Here, you have her findng the bracelet, then telling us that her hand slipped through the opening.
So those were my nits at the start. Towards the end though, when she was trapped, I was holding my breath in sympathy :-)