And We Have A Winner!!

Actually, we have a winner preceded by lots of honorable mentions, because you did a fabulous job of entertaining Lauren MacLeod, our illustrious contest judge!

In Lauren's words:

I was pleasantly surprised by how hard it was to pick a winner—you have an exceptionally witty blog community! I was very impressed with all of the writerly carols and I had a blast singing them to myself as I judged the contest. Because of the incredibly high caliber of all the entries, I picked a few that I felt deserved to be showcased as “Best in Breed” in addition to a grand query critique winner. Truly, I had so much fun reading these that everyone who submitted deserves a round of applause.


Best “Inside” Joke:

Holly Bodger

Anon the Constant Query-er
(formerly known as Rudolph...)

Rachelle and Nathan and Jenny and Lauren,
Laurie and Ginger and Colleen and Kristen.
Do you recall
When queries came once, that was all?

Anon the constant query-er
Wrote a book about his woes,
And if you ever read it,
You would even say it blows.

All of the other writers,
Used to laugh and call him names;
They never let poor Anon,
Join in any writer games.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve,
Anon came to say:
“Writing, it’s no good for me,
I will stop at fifty-three."

Then how the writers loved him
As they shouted out with glee,
Anon the constant query-er
Thanks for making room for me!"

Best Query in Verse:

Michael

NOvEL QUERY
Sung to the tune of Santa Baby

(Apologies to Ertha Kitt)


Lauren baby,
I need to find an agent this year.
So, here.
Your name was next on my list.
Lauren baby,
So hurry up and ask for the full.

Lauren baby,
The book is absolutely divine.
All mine.
My friends and family agree!
Lauren baby,
Just hurry up and ask for the full.

Horror’s there. And some sci-fi.
My clever combination’s gonna make you cry.
Fantasy in steampunk style.
Half a million words — ANNIE meets THE FLY.

Lauren honey,
“MAGGOT GIRL” is perfect for you.
It’s true.
You’ll love the way that I right.
Lauren honey,
So hurry up and ask for the full.

Lauren cutie,
I’ll send it off today by email
Or snail.
Just tell me which you prefer.
Lauren cutie,
Now hurry up and ask for the full.

Plot is tight. The setting’s right.
Starts out with: “It was a dark and stormy night.”
Turn the page. The goose bumps pop.
Scary! (Maybe safer leaving on your light.)

Lauren baby,
There’s one more thing that I need to do:
Thank you!
Here’s the number to phone.
Lauren baby,
So hurry up and ask for the thing.

Lauren baby,
Just punch your cell and give me a ring.

Lauren baby,
I’m packing for the tour next spring!


The two that I sang all day:

1. Bernell

Sung in a come-hither voice (imagine Eartha Kitt or Marilyn Monroe) to SANTA BABY:

Agent lady, just slip a contract under the tree
For me
Been an awful good writer
Agent lady, so hurry to my mailbox tonight

Agent lady, a significant two-book deal, too,
From you
I’ll wait up for you dear
Agent lady, so hurry to my mailbox tonight

Think of all the clichés I’ve snubbed
Think of all the first drafts that I haven’t subbed
Next year I could be just as good
If you’d help me become debut pub’d

Agent lady, I want a shot
And really that's not
A lot
Been writing hard all year
Agent lady, so hurry to my mailbox tonight

Agent honey, there’s one thing I really do need,
Please read
My proposal and pages
Agent lady, so hurry to my mailbox tonight

Agent lady, promise there will be no more rejects,
Just checks
Sign your 'X' on the line
Agent lady, and hurry to my mailbox tonight

Come and rep my manuscript
Don’t ever say “It’s just not right for me”
I really do believe in you
Let's see if you believe in me

Agent lady, forgot to mention one little thing,
Ka-Ching
I’d like a bidding war
Agent lady, so hurry to my mailbox tonight
Hurry to my mailbox tonight
Hurry ... tonight


2. Empty Refrigerator

I Have a Little Query (to the tune of "I Have a Little Dreidel")

I have a little query
I made it with my brain
And now I've sent it out there
Well, I think I'm going insane

Oh, query, query, query
Then query once again
But if you don’t wannna go crazy
You better learn some Query Zen

I have a little query
I’ve been waiting quite a while
When will my little query
Rise to the top of that slush pile?

Oh, query, query, query
Then query once again
But if you don’t wannna go crazy
You better learn some Query Zen

I have a little query
Hope it has a real nice trip
But I’m all done obsessing
I’m gonna focus on my wip.

Oh, query, query, query
Then query once again
And if you don’t wannna go crazy
You better learn some Query Zen

Best Short:

Katrina C

To the tune of Silent Night

Maaaan-uscript. Uuuun-published
Hero’s da bomb, plot is tight
Her’ine’s a virgin, wants to get laid.
I’m a writer, wants to get paid.
Please, editors publish iii-it
Plee-eze editors publish it.

Best Advice:

Rae Carson

To the tune of Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas:

Have yourself a merry little day job
Grow your IRA
Don’t forget
An offer could be miles away

Have yourself a merry little day job
Forty hours per week
Then run home
And type until your knuckles creak

Here it is! What you’ve hustled for
What you’ve suffered for so dear
Wait… this advance covers two months’ rent
Guess you’ll work another year.

Through the years you’ll claw your way to midlist
Klausner loves your work
Your fanbase is family,
bots, and trolling jerks

So have yourself some merry little day job perks!

Runner Up!

Susie

Dear Writerly World,
Please excuse a slight use of creative license in fitting quotations to lyrics.

The Twelve Tips on Queries
(to the tune of The Twelve Days of Christmas)


1. On most agent websites, query samples show, word count in the first line

2. On Cheryl Klein’s submission page, she infers
Word counts are boring-
But Most want it in the First line

3. On The Wendy Sherman webpage, sub instructions say
tell us why you chose us-
Word Counts are Boring
But Most Want it in the First Line

4. On Janet Reid’s blog, she quite often says
I Don’t care Why you Picked me-
Tell us Why You Chose Us
Word Counts are Boring
But Most Want it in the First Line.

5. On Janet Reid’s blog, she's also said
250 Words!
Don’t Care Why You Picked Me
Tell Us Why You Chose Us
Word Counts are Boring
But Most Want it in the First Line

6. On the Wendy Sherman webpage, sub instructions read
No More than 2 full pages-
250 Words!
I Don’t Care Why You Picked Me
Tell Us Why You Chose Us
Word Counts are Boring
But Most Want it in the First Line

7. On the Greenburger webpage, sub instructions say
Include Bio and Synopsis-
No More than 2 pages
250 Words!
Don’t Care Why You Picked Me
Tell Us Why You Chose Us
Word Counts are Boring
But Most Want it in the First Line

8. One day in Twitterverse, Jenn Laughran wrote,
Synopses are of the Devil-
Include a Synopsis
No More than 2 pages
250 Words!
Don’t Care Why You Picked Me
Tell Us Why You Chose Us
Word Counts are Boring
But Most Want it in the First Line

9. On the Wendy Sherman webpage, sub instructions say,
Don’t refer us to your website-
Synopses are of the Devil
Include a Synopsis
No More than 2 pages
250 words!
Don’t Care Why You Picked Me
Tell Us Why You Chose Us
Word Counts are Boring
But Most Want it in the First Line

10. In Nathan’s query samples, he clearly says,
“Cool, she’s got a website!”-
Don’t refer us to you website
Synopses are of the Devil
Include a Synopsis
No More than 2 pages
250 words!
Don’t Care Why You Picked Me
Tell Us Why You Chose Us
Word Counts are Boring
But Most Want it in the First Line

11. In a panel at a conference, an editor said
“You must have a web presence”
“Cool, she’s got a website!”-
Don’t refer us to your website
Synopses are of the Devil
Include a Synopsis
No More than 2 pages
250 words!
Don’t Care Why You Picked Me
Tell Us Why You Chose Us
Word Counts are Boring
But Most Want it in the First Line

12 As I write my query, please do excuse, my head banging up against the wall.
Must have a web presence, Cool, she’s got a website,
Don’t refer us to your website
Synopses are of the Devil
Include a Synopsis
No More than 2 pages
250 words
Don’t Care Why You Picked Me
Tell Us Why You Chose Us
Word Counts are Boring
But Most Want it in the First Line


My favorite, and the winner of the query critique is:

Sonja

Baby It’s Cold Outside:

I really must write,
But baby, it’s half past three
I’ll use candlelight
Baby, it’s half past three
I wish I knew how
Well past our bedtime now
to craft this line,
Come to bed, in the morning you’ll be fine
I want to be done tomorrow
A sleepless night just brings sorrow
Or at least to chapter twenty-five,
It’s late—your words are barely alive
I have a problem with this tableau
I hope you don’t find this shallow:
Or maybe it’s the character’s drive,
You run the risk of sounding contrived
I know that it’s late,
Oh, yes, a while ago
This conflict can’t wait,
And you have miles to go
Tell me my love,
The moon is high above
is this cliché?
Please come to bed, the hour is late
A synonym for ‘delicious’
I know that you are ambitious
‘Scrumptious’, ‘yummy’, ‘luscious’ – not right –
You think if you’re not published you’ll die
I really must write,
This is my last plea
Oh, baby, it’s half past three./Baby, it’s half past three.

-----
To all: Congratulations!

To Sonya: Woot! Email me ASAP for instructions on sending your query to Lauren.

To Lauren: You rock! Thanks for being a part of this.