TITLE: Chosen
GENRE: YA Urban Fantasy
Gavin's large paws sunk into the soft leaves of the forest under his massive weight. His dark coat allowed him to meld into the shadows of the many trees, providing him with camouflage for hunting white-tailed deer. He could smell them, grazing just beyond the next copse of trees.
He also smelled horses, but those were strictly off-limits as they most likely belonged to humans, and he wasn’t taking any chances.
A squirrel chattered in another part of the forest, causing his ears to twitch unconsciously toward the sound and momentarily distracting him. Muscles rippled under his thick silver and black coat as he resumed his approach toward his quarry.
Low branches brushed his thick coat, leaving drops of dew behind, but he didn't mind. He was enjoying his time spent alone in the Wyoming wilderness. This was the first time in his life that he had been without his two older brothers, and he was reveling in his freedom. Spending most of his time in his wolf form was even more freeing. Thinking became unnecessary. The natural instincts of the wolf took over, until it was difficult to tell where the mind of a man began and the wolf let off.
Suddenly, a pungent, yet horribly familiar, scent reached his nose and Gavin whirled around just in time to meet the two assassins head-on.
He howled in pain as the first attacker slammed into him, causing the two of them to fly back into a tree behind them.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I like how you don't tell us that Gavin is a wolf right away. It made me want to figure it out.
ReplyDeleteIt feels like you are doing a tiny bit too much telling. For example, you "show" that Gavin is heavy by saying that his paws sunk into the leaves, but then you tell it by adding "under his massive weight". You do this again when you say his ears twitch "unconsciously". Unless you are the star of Bewitched, twitching is always unconscious. :-) If you remove these extra bits of telling, this will be much better.
This feels somehow overwritten. Long paragraphs, long sentences, long words take me out of the story before I have a chance to get in it. I need to connect with the main character to care about his predicament, and right now I'm not feeling that.
ReplyDeleteYou could prune this down a bit, starting with the adverbs - strictly, unconsciously, momentarily - the sentences work fine without them.
ReplyDeleteAlso, we are in Gavin's POV here - we are seeing/smelling/hearing everything he is experiencing. But there were some slips. Gavin wouldn't be thinking that his coat is silver and black. Would he, at that moment, be thinking that he enjoyed the Wyoming wilderness, or just the wilderness? Those additions seem like authorial intrusion and took me out of the flow of the narrative.
But overall, a nice set up - he's hunting, feeling free, and then he's attacked. I'd read on to see what happens.
Good luck!
I liked this and would read on. I want to know who the attackers are and if they are his brothers.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Sheila about the POV slip though, as Gavin wouldn't think about the colour of his own coat.
I quite liked all the other descriptions.
I'm intrigued by the story, because I love me some good werewolf stuff (assuming that's what Gavin is). However I'm a bit turned off by the wordiness. Cut cut cut. There are a lot of extraneous words that you could toss out and make your piece much stronger and cleaner.
ReplyDeleteI love a good wolf/Were book if that is where this is going. So I'd read on. I think if you chopped up the lengthy sentences something along the lines as:
ReplyDeleteHe also smelled horses, but those were strictly off-limits. They likely belonged to humans. He wasn’t taking any chances.
It would read better. It seems people nowadays are prone to the shorter sentences.
As other have said, a bit wordy and very telly. You might also want to look at word choices. In the first sentence you could change 'large paws' to 'massive paws' and end the sentence at forest. Take out words like 'allowed' and 'caused' and just let the story happen.
ReplyDeleteIt's written very matter-of-factly. If he's hunting for quarry, show him slinking and skulking. If he's reveling, show him playing around the way a dog would. Also, he should probably be doing only one of these things in this short opening.
I like how in the beginning you know Gavin's an animal. I do agree with the SA about it being a tad bit overwritten. The last sentence in the first paragraph seems a little forced (about the horses). But I love how we get a feel for what he looks like, though we're still not really sure and we know the location, and the two assassins? I'm totally in.
ReplyDeleteI'm with the others: Not hooked because of the wordiness and the telling. The third paragraph is almost all telling, and has quite a bit of back story. And there were several adverbs you could cut throughout.
ReplyDeleteAm I wrong that the verb form in the first sentence should be sank? That tripped me. I like starting the story in animal form. Others have already mentioned all my other crits. Good writing. Now needs good editing :-)
ReplyDeleteLove the action at the end. I'd want to read what happens next.
ReplyDeleteMy suggestion would be to move the action to the top and work in the description so that the reader is guessing he's a wolf by the end of the page. And then hopefully there's more action to hook the reader more.
I can't help but think of Twilight. However, an earlier comment postulated that the two assassins could be his brothers. That would make for interesting reading.
ReplyDeleteI'd revise some of the descriptive language out and just get to it. Whatever the "it" is you want conveyed.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the Holly's comment about you not letting on he's a wolf right away. Intriguing.
This is amazing! To politely disagree with a few previous readers, I like the long sentences. It's a style choice that slows down the prose and allows for more sensory detail. Besides, there is great sentence variety. For example: “He was enjoying his time spent alone in the Wyoming wilderness. This was the first time in his life that he had been without...Spending most of his time in his wolf form…” All three of those sentences follow a different syntactical structure, which breaks up the monotony of the prose. As for vocabulary, words such as “copse” may be of a higher diction, but this kind of lush descriptive language is common in the fantasy and romance genres. I like it. It makes me feel whisked away to another world.
ReplyDeleteI just really loved this piece. I'm immediately very close to your protagonist and then I'm quickly thrown into action, which is a good way to start a novel. I definitely want to know what happens next!
Good job jumping into action by the end of the first 250. I do feel however it can be tightened up. For example in paragraph 3 the word TIME is used 3 times.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, good job.
Good job jumping into action by the end of the first 250. I do feel however it can be tightened up. For example in paragraph 3 the word TIME is used 3 times.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, good job.
It is both lyrical and in need of trimming. I love this but would be more interested in reading it if it moved a bit faster.
ReplyDeleteFor example: if you take 23 words out of the first 110 (~20% reduction), you could have this:
ReplyDeleteGavin's massive paws sunk into the soft leaves of the forest. His thick silver and black coat melded into the shadows of the trees. Perfect camouflage for hunting white-tailed deer. He smelled them, grazing just beyond the next copse of trees.
He also smelled horses. They most likely belonged to humans and were off-limits. He wasn’t taking any chances.
A squirrel chattered in another part of the forest. His ears twitched toward the sound; momentarily distracting him. Muscles rippled as he resumed his approach toward his quarry.
I really like this one and hope you have a lot of success with it.