Title: CASTORA
Genre: YA Dystopian
The taste of my own blood combined with the barbaric site in front of me doesn’t help my already churned-up stomach. But biting my cheek is all I can do to keep from screaming and being the next one they choose.
It’s the third public showing that I’ve witnessed – well, as far back as I can remember that is. None of us Drudges have ever dared to go against Overseers.
Not until today when my mentor and best friend decided she had enough.
We Drudges know her as Skye, but her true name is Ninety-eight, as given to her by the Overseers. We are numbered for efficiency and uniformity. The less unique we are, the better. It means we won’t rally against them and can do what we were created to do: labor, sweat, and bleed for whatever task we’re given. It doesn’t matter how tiny or grand the task is, we are expected to execute it to completion without complaint and without question.
Today, though, Skye’s clear blue eyes are dark like one of the storms that frequent our home and world, Castora. We all know that our life as a Drudge is much shorter than that of an Overseer. Skye especially knows that our time here is short – she’s very close to being fully-grown. If we don’t die from exhaustion, from falling into one of the heavy pieces of machinery, or from a public showing for disobeying the Overseers, then we’re snatched away during one of the few times we’re actually allowed to shower and cleanse ourselves.
Miss Snark's First Victim
An interesting situation but too much telling and not enough action/story for me.
ReplyDeleteIntriguing story so far and I'm definitely interested by the first paragraph about blood and a nasty scene. Only problem is the scene is not explained yet (public showing could be many things). Instead the rest of the excerpt is all telling and backstory.
ReplyDeleteGuess we'll have to wait to see this one in print to find out what happens!
Compelling world, but I think it needs something more to really stand out. There are plenty of fantasy worlds where people are repressed and killed for disobedience. Show us what makes yours unique, more than just being bred to work and given numbers for names. I need a little something more.
ReplyDeleteHow do they kill Drudges? You tell us it is a "barbaric site" (did you mean sight? It could be either, I suppose.) - what makes it so? I'd be more in your character's corner if I could feel her fear, and to do that, I need to see what she's seeing.
Good luck!
I agree with Sheila but at the same time I get that it's just the first page or two. But if you don't jump in and give the reader more within the next few pages, you might want to change that.
ReplyDeleteKinda gave me chills, which means it's working. Good luck!!!
I feel like this lacks subtlety. A dystopian world is most interesting when it's plausible, when it feels like it's just two steps removed from some problem we can see in our world. Find the link between what we are afraid will happen, here and now, and the horrible scenario you've imagined, and use that to draw us into the darkness.
ReplyDeleteThe telling really threw me out of this. While the concept sounds interesting and I'd like to know more, there's too much info-dumping going on here and not enough action.
ReplyDeleteI wanted this to be smoother. The first paragraphs describe a horrible event but don't say what it is. Then we go into backstory. I'd like to start with action, character, then backstory, so I'm more organically grounded in the world, and let the details unfold more gradually within the story.
ReplyDeleteInteresting world. A lot of telling here and I can't quite get a grip on who the MC is.
ReplyDeleteI think you should trim the paragraph describing the Drudge/Overseer relationship or work it in with the narrative. And you should either go into more detail about the barbaric site or sight, or skip straight to Skye if she is the more important character (like Shawshank Redemption) but if the narrator is the MC then we need more about him or her and what the stakes are.
ReplyDeleteNot hooked. Layer this back story into the actual action of the scene and you'll have a much stronger opening.
ReplyDelete(Also, "site" in the first line should be "sight.")
The first paragraph grabbed my attention but then it went down hill. It's all telling after that. Where's the action?
ReplyDeleteI had to fight the urge to link this to the Hunger Games. I think the mechanics of your writing are sound (though I'm not close to an expert) and you only have a few paragraphs to get my attention, but I don't think the story could be that original.
ReplyDeleteI felt like you were flooding me with details and backstory that could have played out in a more organic way if sprinkled in as details throughout the story.
ReplyDeleteAdditionally, your world does sound interesting, but like others, I need more for it to stand out. I did a Utopia/Dystopia course in English last year and more than half the class wrote about people who had numbers instead of names -- so I don't exactly see that as original and stand-out. But I'm not sure whether I'm just prejudiced because of the course I took.
Yes, you could cut a lot of the description and give us more information in this space about what has happened/is happening with Skye.
ReplyDeleteGreat idea, but it maybe add more action in the first part and back story later. Otherwise. I liked it.
ReplyDeleteThe first paragraph intrigued me, but then you lost me with all the telling. I would like to see more about the horrible sight/site and what happened next, and be shown details like the numbers rather than told.
ReplyDelete