TITLE: HANNAH'S LEAP
GENRE: MG Historical Fiction
“Contemptible. C-o-n-t-e-m-p-t-i-b-u-l. Contemptible.” That word sucked all the breath out of me.
“Incorrect,” Miss Taylor announced.
Fiddlesticks!
Matthew Colton flashed me a grin of victory. We were the last two standing in the Friday spelling bee. I seldom made it that far. I could spell any old word on paper but when my tongue went to say letters out loud, it jumped way ahead of my brain and tripped into some careless mistake.
Suddenly the schoolhouse door banged open, and Uncle John’s tall frame filled the doorway. His grim look pushed my mind from spelling over to worry. He spoke quietly to my teacher.
Miss Taylor frowned. “Hannah, gather your things and go with your uncle.”
I hurried to the cloakroom…pulled on my coat and scarf…snatched my dinner pail and rushed to the doorway. Something was bad wrong.
My classmates watched in silence.
Outside, Uncle John untied Zeke and climbed into the saddle. Without a word, he pulled me up behind him so quick I thought my arm would snap off.
“What’s wrong, Uncle?” My cheek pressed against the scratchy wool of his coat.
No answer. Zeke broke into a full gallop, and we tore through the cold, gray morning. The mountains edging our valley blurred into snow-topped walls.
Sure that some new sorrow waited at home, I shouted into the wind, “What’s wrong?” I’d about had enough of misery.
His sharp words cut through the freezing air. “Your ma’s got birthin’ pains.”
Miss Snark's First Victim
Nice. Very nice. Great historical voice. Love the details.
ReplyDeleteI'd tighten this sentence
Suddenly the schoolhouse door banged open, and Uncle John’s tall frame filled the doorway.
to
The schoolhouse door banged open. Uncle John’s tall frame filled the doorway.
Just to make it move a little faster.
Good job. I'd read on.
Nice, believable voice. It pulls me in. I felt a little disjointed when she doesn't ask what's wrong until after he's untied Zeke and pulled her up behind him. I'd cut the "Sure that some new sorrow waited at home" and start with her shouting into the wind. It would fit better after the horse takes off and things become a blur.
ReplyDeleteI like the voice and the historical descriptions...but "fiddlesticks" is REALLY bothering me, lol. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI like the voice and how you put in the historical bits without hitting us over the head with them in an info-drop. The sentence "Something was bad wrong" really bugs me but that's probably a person nit-picky thing.
ReplyDeleteI like the voice and how you put in the historical bits without hitting us over the head with them in an info-drop. The sentence "Something was bad wrong" really bugs me but that's probably a person nit-picky thing.
ReplyDeleteLoved this. Love the voice and the scene. One small suggestion: the dot-dot-dots about halfway through were distracting; commas, or even periods, would work just as well and draw less attention to themselves.
ReplyDeletei actually really liked the fiddlesticks. It made me laugh.
ReplyDeleteLiked this one a lot.
This is very nicely done. The period voice feels just right, but at the same time I feel like a modern reader would connect with the MC. I only wonder if her uncle wouldn't tell her sooner what the problem was?--Why would he wait until so long into the ride? It feels drawn out unnecessarily.
ReplyDeleteI agree with cutting the delay to hear the news. But I liked the use of "fiddlesticks" and "bad wrong" if it was to convey the dialect of the the period and class.
ReplyDeleteYou did an excellent job drawing me into the story. If the rest is this good, I think you have a winner.
You had me at "bad wrong." That sentence, for some reason, resonated with me and I felt truly connected to your MC from that point onward.
ReplyDeleteGreat job!
I liked the voice and the fiddlesticks and bad wrong. It gave me a sense of who the MC was. I would agree with the others. If the mother was in labor, I don't see why that's such a big secret to wait for the uncle to spell it out.
ReplyDeleteBut I'd read on.
Unless there's a reason for the uncle to delay in the bad news and we find out within the next paragraph or so, then I agree. And I, too, laughed at fiddlesticks! Great historical voice here, I'd read on for sure. Reminds me of Little House on the Prairie.
ReplyDeleteThis is interesting, and the voice seems pretty genuine. I'd like to know what happens.
ReplyDeleteGood writing. I like the historical details "snatched my dinner pail" and "bad wrong" since it sets the vernacular. I don't mind Uncle John's no response, he seems like a character of his time, where he's physical but hardly says much. I'd read on.
ReplyDeleteGood work, I'd read on. I was a bit tripped up by this line
ReplyDelete"His grim look pushed my mind from spelling over to worry. He spoke quietly to my teacher." I had to slow down a little bit to reread and understand, but all in all, a good read! Nice job!
I noticed that the "classmates watched in silence" after she "hurried to the cloakroom." Is one room open to the other? I'd like to see a more original phrase in place of "I thought my arm would snap off." Lastly, instead of just telling us Zeke broke into a gallop, I think it'd be more dramatic to show us her uncle pushing him into that gallop with a kick or jerk of the reigns. I wasn't expecting the news to be that her mom was going into labor. If that's the news, now I want to know why he's so grim about it. It adds interest to the story and makes me curious, which is a good thing. :)
ReplyDeleteI loved the line describing the mountains and the voice of this piece. The details were really ncie too like the cheek against the coat etc.
ReplyDeleteIt did seem like a bit too much build up for that last line -- even though I liked that line of dialogue, so maybe tighten the scene up and cut a little.
very good job setting up the scene. We know pretty quickly what time era we're in. It's written smoothly,for a younger reader.
ReplyDeleteI liked this. It's well written, and I'm assuming the reason the uncle didn't answer is because the mother had gone into premature labour. I'm hooked and would read on to find out.
ReplyDeleteI like this, and I took the delay of news as character sketch of the uncle--that he was the quiet type, who took his time with things. Nice voice.
ReplyDeleteAuthentic voice. Tight writing and really nice pacing. I liked this.
ReplyDeleteI really like this--you have such a great voice. I also love your line about her cheek pressing on his coat. I could practically feel it myself!
ReplyDeleteThe only concern I had was the 'Fiddlesticks', but what if you took the exclamation point out and tacked the line onto the next paragraph? It might flow better with your voice. Also, the sentence fragment about the mountains threw me. But overall, great job!