TITLE: Shimmering Angels
GENRE: YA Paranormal
I’ve seen them before, the men with wings.
As long as I can remember, the men whose white wings sparkled opaquely and glimmered in the sunlight walked about town the same as the rest of the population, blending in eerily well—only because, so far, I seemed to be the only person who could see the abnormalities protruding from their backs.
A plastic cup bounced off the black and white checkered floor and the noisy diner flared to life. Waitresses scrambled to take orders, shouting over some of the louder patrons, exhausted parents wrestled with their children to eat their runny eggs, and a table of college kids sprinted toward the door without stopping to pay for their meal.
Yes, men with white wings were occasional, but the man across the room was different. His were black, with the rainbow-like sheen of an oil slick.
Could he be real? My feet slid under me and I stepped out of the booth, toward the man.
“Sweetie?” A woman called. I didn’t listen, didn’t falter, didn’t take my eyes off the strange angel. “Sweetie.” Her fingers folded across my arm, jetting my attention in her direction. “Are you still interested in the job?”
“Job?” Bewilderment etched behind my eyes and my ponytail slapped the lobes of my ears as I turned toward her.
The woman’s head tilted slightly. “The waitress job you asked about. I sat you and your friend down, gave you hot chocolates, and told you I’d be back in five minutes.”
Miss Snark's First Victim
I like this. I like how she's spots the angel and gets pulled out of the world she's in and then is snapped back in. I'm intested as to the oil slick winged angel. Is he a bad guy? I'd read more.
ReplyDelete-a
Great first line. Intriguing premise. I would read more. Watch for unrealistic dialogue, though: The waitress's response feels put in for the sake of the reader. Also, "Could he be real?" is confusing; does she only wonder this because his wings are different from the others? Does she think the others are real or not?
ReplyDeleteI agree - the waitress' comments feel like an "as you know, Bob".
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, looks good.
Very cool premise. The oil-slick angel especially is cool. There are a few spots that are clunky--punctuation and grammar issues that jumped out at me, and the "as you know, Bob" part that Lianne mentioned. But the overall idea is solid--and different. There are lots of books out right now about GIRLS with wings. Guys, not so much.
ReplyDeleteHooked.
ReplyDeleteI really liked this, especially the imagery of the oil-slick angel.
I agree that the waitress' dialogue could be more realistic, but this should be an easy fix.
I'd definitely read on!
everyone already said what i was going to. Liked it. Good job
ReplyDeleteVery interesting premise that hooked me right in from the start. The "oil slick" line is excellent. Good description on the noisy, chaotic diner too. Have to agree with the comments about the waitress dialogue, but other than that I really enjoyed it. I want to keep reading!
ReplyDeleteThe writing needs to be cleaned up a bit, perhaps, but I really liked the whole idea. Great job! I'd keep reading.
ReplyDeleteGood setting descriptions and good job introducing the dark angel. I'm not an angel person but I think a lot of people would like this, looks like you're off to a good start.
ReplyDeleteGood luck.
Great opening line, and I loved the idea of an angel with black wings. The oil slick description works really well.
ReplyDeleteI did wonder why she wondered if he was real, when she's already accepted the fact that there are men with wings. She might be curious about the wings being black, rather than white, but it seems she'd know he was real.
Perhaps consider cutting the whole second parg. I felt that was more for the readers' benefit more than the waitress' dialogue, and to me, it would be more intriguing without the explanation.
I like the first sentence, but I think the second would be stronger if you reword it to avoid repeating 'men' and 'wings.'
ReplyDeleteSome of the writing could be tightened. For instance "slapped the lobes of my ears" could just be "slapped my ears."
I liked the tension and would want to read more.
ReplyDeleteMy only suggestion would be that, for me, the waitress stopped the tension. I wanted to scan her dialogue and get back to the dark angel-thing.
I'd keep reading just to find out about the dark angel dude. Love interest maybe?
ReplyDeleteI really liked the opening line. It grabbed me and made me want to continue.
ReplyDeleteI think that some of the paragraphs can be tightened up. For example, the first paragraph is all one sentence. some of the dialogue feels like a tool to tell the reader stuff.
Godo job on some of the description.
Really loved this! The "lobes" for description of her ears brought me out of the scene, but otherwise I'd totally keep reading.
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