TITLE: The Sibling War
GENRE: Middle Grade Historical Fiction
EMOTION: Young Friendship
Intro:
Jake (the MC) and Emmy are both thirteen, poor, and live in a remote wooded area that will soon become the setting for a Civil War battle. Emmy has recently moved in, and Jake is smitten.
“Hi Jakey.”
The eggs in my hands smashed to the ground when I realized it was Emmy. The front of my pants turned goopy yellow. “Aw geez. Now I have to go change my britches.”
“Sorry,” Emmy said. “I didn’t mean to scare you.”
“I thought you were my brother Tom.”
Mischief crept into Emmy’s smile. “You need your eyes checked.”
“If you were my brother, those eggs would be smashed on your face.”
“That’s not very nice.”
“Neither is Tom.” I surveyed the gook on my pants. “I wouldn’t ever smash you in the face with eggs.”
“That’s good to know,” Emmy said. “Seeing as I came over to give you something.” She held out a blue and white checked bag tied with a bow. Inside I found a ring of light yellow rope.
“You brought me a hanky and a ring thing?”
“It’s not a hanky, silly. And that ring thing is your present.”
I poked at it, and noticed the cloth matched Emmy’s clothes. “You tore this off your dress?”
“Never mind that. What do you think?”
“Um... it’s great, thanks.”
Emmy smiled sweetly. “Try it on.”
My heart skipped a beat. I had no idea what to do. Emmy’s eyebrows raised.
“What?”
“You don’t even know what it is, do you?” Emmy grabbed it and slid it over my wrist. “I made that with my own hair.”
“You lopped off your hair to give to me?”
“Not lopped, but yes, I cut my hair.”
“Wow. Thanks.”
“You’re welcome.”
Miss Snark's First Victim
I really like the hair bracelet and I know in Victorian times they made stuff out of hair. I might have the eggs ruin his shirt instead of his pants as I kind of got weird suggestive pictures about something goopy on the front of his pants. But maybe I'm just deranged. I don't understand his response "Neither is Tom," to her comment "That's not very nice" and I would delete his question "What" after Emmy's eyebrows raised. But otherwise this reads well.
ReplyDeleteIf Civil War era . . . does the language the characters are using match the period? I have no clue, which is why I'm asking the question. If you use terms that weren't common to that era, there's a slight disconnect.
ReplyDeleteOther than that trifling little question . . . the dialog seems to flow, and I do get a sense of the characters. Good job.
S
I agree with the other comments about language... people in the 1800s probably didn't say geez and wow, thanks. I don't know what's expected with historical fiction for kids, though -- maybe this is okay. And I would change the eggs on the pants to eggs on the shirt, too.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, the dialogue seems smooth and realistic. I get a good picture of both characters and would like to find out what happens to them.
I agree with the other comments about language... people in the 1800s probably didn't say geez and wow, thanks. I don't know what's expected with historical fiction for kids, though -- maybe this is okay. And I would change the eggs on the pants to eggs on the shirt, too.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, the dialogue seems smooth and realistic. I get a good picture of both characters and would like to find out what happens to them.
I thought you did a good job with the dialog. It didn't quite feel Civil War era though. It seemed more Mayberry-ish. But you captured the emotion of young friendship perfectly.
ReplyDeleteWe are discussing the dialogue. For a contemporary it would be fine. But as a period piece, this is not the speech pattern of an historical setting. Your dialogue is good as dialogue goes. But I would worry for you that you need more research. Little things such as having eyes checked. But you say they are poor. I'm sure that in the civil war eye checking would have been difficult. Non existent in a battlefield. No access to anyone in the poverty line. Look at literature of that time, or literature set in that time from well known authors and get a feel.
ReplyDeleteWorld building is so important.
Using phrases like "ring thing" is modern.
Why don't you read Mark Twain's Huckleberry Finn. He's an excellent dialoguist and you really get a sense of the setting.
I can think of others such as Little Women and Anne of Green Gables, The Secret Garden, all for kids. But with a strong sense of the time. Kids have to know this is a different era and they have antennas for this kind of thing as well.
Goodluck :-)
I agree with all those that commented before me. The flow was good but the language didn't feel American Civil War to me.
ReplyDeleteI do have to say that was was confused over "ring of light yellow rope" for a moment. I was thinking of a ring, as in something that you wear on your finger. It wasn't until it was put onto his wrist that I realized that ring meant circle and that it was actually a bracelet.
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ReplyDeleteI liked this and would read more, based on this passage. I think that your dialoge does a great job showing young friendship and I was able to follow it easily. I didn't get any off ideas about the egg breaking on his pants, but if so many others did, maybe that should change.
ReplyDeleteIf giving gifts made of hair is common in their era, would Emmy have to tell him that it's made of hair?
The line that stands out to me as being a little off is where Emmy says, "Not lopped, but yes, I cut my hair." It just sounds a little too old for her character.
Otherwise, again, I liked it! Good work! :)
I echo a lot of what's been said here. The dialogue itself is really good. The historical feel is missing.
ReplyDeleteThey strike me as younger than 13, especially for this timeframe and living poor in a rural area. I wondered, too, why he wasn't more upset about cracking the egg. Food is not hard to come by for them?
I like how they interact with each other.
I agree with what's already been said, and I think you did a great job conveying what you wanted to convey.
ReplyDeleteThe ring of rope confused me though. Rope is coiled into a ring for storing or transporting, so I thought she was giving him rope.
When he says, "I thought you were my brother Tom," it felt unnatural. It was like an info dump in dialogue. He would likely simply say, "I thought you were Tom." Putting the "my brother" in there was for the reader's benefit, and it was obvious.
ReplyDeleteI also think the little additions like he calling him "silly," "aw geez," etc. gave it a hokey feel. Also, you have a pretty big cliche (heat skips a beat).
The overall mechanics, your use of dialogue tags and so on, was clean and nicely done, with a good sense of rhythm.
I also agree with the language sounding too modern. Her comment "you need your eyes checked" is definitely today's language.
ReplyDeleteI write historical fiction and you have to be very picky and precise about the dialogue. Most people who read historical fiction (adults, anyway) will pick up right away if the dialogue isn't time period accurate.
This is also my gripe when I see a period film and the dialogue doesn't fit.