TITLE: Love & Lies
GENRE: Paranormal Romance
EMOTION: Irritation/frustration
Dara has just learned someone she doesn’t like is her contact for reaching the vampire council and has retreated to an old representative (Gretzki) to reach the council instead. It goes against the rules and he’s just suggested that she contact the other representative (Caldwell) instead of him.
Her braid was going to be torn off one of these days, Dara just knew it as she gave her hair a sharp pull. “I don’t want to send word through him.”
“I saw the picture of you, hon. Just because you’re having a spat…”
She rapped the mouthpiece against her desk. Anyone with a vampire’s keen hearing would have an aching ear after that. People needed to stop making assumptions about her, they really did! “There is no spat. The picture was taken out of context.”
“Uh huh.” Dara pictured the sandy-haired vampire’s crooked grin and refrained from a second rap on her desk. “Sure it was.”
“Don’t make me play dirty, Gretzki. Just tell your councilor I need to speak with him and I’ll take it from there.”
“What you gonna do if I don’t?” he demanded.
“I remember a certain set of wolf-shifter twins you were playing with when you were here. They’d love to know where to find you, after you left them in the lurch the way you did.”
“Is that all you got, D?” He scoffed, “That isn’t worth crossing a kitten, let alone Caldwell.”
“How about the little magelings who you were also playing with…and all four of them learning about each other?”
That got his attention. “Ehh, better. Fine. We’ll be clear after this though, right?”
“Naturally. Just let me know what you hear. It’s not crucial it be today, but I do have a timeline to consider.”
“Right, I’ll email you in a while.”
Miss Snark's First Victim
I think this dialogue would be a lot stronger if "he" was clarified. I have no idea who she's talking with.
ReplyDeleteThe only line in this piece that didn't jive for me was the last one "Right, I'll email you in a while." just doesn't seem to jive with the rest.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I didn't pick up on the fact that they were on the phone at all-- I thought the mouthpiece she was rapping on the desk was like some instrumental thing. That could just be me, but you might want to make it more clear that she's on the phone if it isn't clarified before this section begins.
I get some amusement more than frustration from this-- like Dara is enjoying the back and forth as much as Gretzki.
Oh, a phone conversation makes perfect sense! I missed the mouthpiece context completey, but you can't fit everything into 250 words heavy on dialogue. :)
ReplyDeleteThe dialogue sounds very realistic, although I'm not sure who the irritation is focused on, Gretzki? Caldwell? Maybe both?
I liked these characters, especially Dara. My favourite part was when she rapped the phone on the desk. :)
ReplyDeleteMaybe I don't know the relationship between these two well enough out of context, but the "hon" seemed out of place. Dara seems to be in pretty good control of the situation, but I felt like Gretzki gave in pretty easily. Are the stakes for him to go against the rules not very high?
I'm not sure what to think. I'd like to see both character's personalities, but I feel they kind of mull together in this clip.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, you did pull of the emotion!
She sure seems annoyed and cunning.
ReplyDeleteI thought her picturing his grin and softening was too abrupt. For some reason "hon" didn't fit next to everything else, but I don't know them well enough to know how it fits with the rest of the manuscript.
The fourth to last line, let's see what's going on in her head before she says the line.
It's believable dialogue.