TITLE: Evernow
GENRE: YA
Life is so much easier without underwear. That was one of the last things I clung to, the concept of under-drawers. But Sal was right. Life’s easier without underwear. I wonder that I was ever so concerned about keeping the few pairs I still had when I met him. Sal taught me a lot of things beyond the uselessness of underwear. Like how to pee while holding a bow with an arrow nocked and drawn. In the Wild you have to know such things.
That’s what I’m doing now. Crouching over a low, leafy sprig of creeper so that my urine makes no sound as it drains to the ground. My bow, Donriel, rests across my knees. My left hand holds it steady, my index and middle fingers twisted to keep tension on the arrow which is, in turn, applying tension to the string. I can let it fly while still crouched if I need to. But Brother is nearby at the moment and he’ll forewarn me of anything approaching.
I couldn’t do this wearing underwear. But in just chaps and a loincloth it’s easy - with practice. I’ve practiced a lot.
Turning slightly, eyes constantly scanning the forest around me, I pluck a large leaf of cows tongue with my free hand, swiping it over myself. It’s almost almost better than toilet paper. Softer but also more substantial. The pale leaf comes away with a smearing of blood, scattered with miniscule coagulated flecks.
Damn! The curse rings only within the confines of my mind. I’m too smart to cry out aloud.
Miss Snark's First Victim
The first paragraph made me chuckle--the 1st line esp.
ReplyDeletePulled me right in.
I like the opening line, but it loses its effect when you go on to repeat underwear multiple times. Also, there is some odd capitalization that pulls me out (ie, Wild, Brother...).
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, it feels like nothing happens here except some peeing. Sorry, I'm not hooked.
I get (I think) that you're trying to tell us about this world in a unique way: a girl peeing in the woods. But it's kind of off-putting. I'm no prude, but reading about the details of pee and then blood doesn't make me want to read more. Sorry. The writing itself is good, so I think if you just approached the scene differently--or go to the point sooner--I wouldn't have gotten hung up on *how* you're telling the story rather than the story itself.
ReplyDeleteWow. The beginning sucked me in - loved the first line. The bow and arrow plus the capitalization of "Wild" made me wonder where she is now, and what kind of story this was going to be.
ReplyDeleteI was really intrigued, and then... I was kinda grossed out. I think it's the detailed description of the feeling and use of the cow's tongue that does it. I get you're trying to show she has her period (at least I think that's what you're doing - with the chaps and loin cloth, I wasn't sure about the sex of the narrator) but the detail level feels a bit gratuitous.
That said, I'd definitely read on. The fact that the character came from the regular world to a place where she uses a bow and arrow is intriguing.
I think I generally agree with the other comments. Awesome first line. I mean, that first line guarantees I will read a few paragraphs. But even by the end of the first paragraph I found myself hoping you were done talking about pee and underwear.
ReplyDeleteI will allow that I don't read YA, so I could possibly be off-base about its appeal. The writing itself is solid, especially the first paragraph. My guess is that with a bunch of us having the same reaction, you'll want to look at it. But kudos for giving it a shot - I'm not sure I would have the stones to do so!
I'm so torn here. Your writing is fabulous, your descriptions vivid and alive. I, like others, kept wondering when the talk of peeing would end. Seems like an awful lot of words to describe a girl peeing in the woods, even if it is a super important scene.
ReplyDeleteI agree with the above comments - first line, verges on brilliant - then it falls flat. Not just b/c it's gross - but there has to be a point to gross. Details are good, but too many details just equal too many words. And underwear and loin cloth live in different times... how would this character know about both? This could be an amazing story - the setting is sure intriguing - but after the hook, the rest of the into. does not encourage me to read any further.
ReplyDeleteI have to agree. Great writing here, great voice, but I think with some chopping, it could be even stronger and not so, um, TMI? I'm very intrigued to know what world she's in now, how she got there, and why. But I'm definitely ready to move past the peeing. 5 paragraphs about it is 4 too many, IMO. I am hooked, though, despite all that!
ReplyDeleteLove that first line! I don't mind the capitalizations - in fact, they help me see that the character's world has shifted radically. In terms of the gross factor, consider dropping the "scattered....flecks" phrase. To me, that was the grossest. You could also drop "swiping it over myself." Then I think it would be okay - people DO get their periods, so in my mind, it's fine to write (and read) about.
ReplyDeleteI was back and forth on this one.
ReplyDeleteMy main issue was trying to figure out if "I" was a girl or boy. I started out assuming girl, since most YA is. Sort of default. Then, with the boy and arrow and talk of peeing, I started thinking it was a boy. Then the end said girl.
The time also got me. I started out assuming this was modern life, so I'm picturing someone who doesn't wear underwear under their jeans. Then I thought maybe this was back in time. Then I thought maybe this was a Survivor-type something.
These questions kept me from being as hooked as I'd otherwise be.
Great opening line! But as someone else said, the continued use of 'underwear' made it fall flat. It does, however, show us that she is/was living in two different worlds. So maybe just use it once and move on?
ReplyDeleteThe peeing didn't bother me. I didn't see this as being about her peeing. I saw it as a way of showing her new world and how she had adapted to it, as well as her place in it, and I'm wondering how she went from one world to the other. I'd read more.
Hah! Love that first line.
ReplyDeleteFunny how people in books and on TV don't go to the bathroom, isn't it? And yet, this sounds great to me. I get the feeling she's not very educated and the simple things of how to survive are very important. And that includes peeing while being on guard.
The underwear repetition drags it down a bit. I suggest tightening that first part up.
Your world building is good. Your voice is great. I am so reading on.
First line is great, "underwear" repeated a little too often.
ReplyDeleteI didn't mind the peeing, but thought the detail about the feel of the leaf and the description of the blood was a little much. I was also momentarily pulled out of the story when I wondered how she could still keep her bow drawn while wiping and why she even bothered to wipe.
I'd probably read on a little on the strength of the voice, but don't yet have a great sense of the story.
I, like everyone else, loved the voice here, and the setup. I loved Wild with a capital W and the fact that she's comparing the leaf to toilet paper - that really orients us to the setting.
ReplyDeleteThings I didn't like so much: The underwear paragraph did run a little long (I actually read it twice to make sure she was still talking about underwear). And the description of her period's arrival at the end of the snippet was a little too, er, fresh for me.
Also, I'd definitely call this YA science fiction or YA dystopian, something to give an agent a little more sense of what he's/she's getting. And that title conjured up images of YA paranormal ripoffs. You've got a very cool HUNGER GAMES-ish thing going here, and I just wouldn't want an agent to think she/he was dealing with...well, you know:)
I loved that first line! It had me laughing.
ReplyDeleteBut then when you go on to repeat the underwear thing a bunch of times and go into detail about pee, it really pulled me out of the story. You could have put all of those details into a few, crisp lines that kept the flare of the first sentence. Cutting out repetition is key.
Also, the writing is good, but the subject of this first 250 words is not. Think about other ways you could start this and how you could make it less...icky. I'm no prude (I love bloody horror films, so there's not much that creeps me out), but sometimes talking about bodily fluids for so long is just gross.
Great first line, but it was just a little too much pee talk for the first page.
ReplyDeletethat might be because I have two small kids and half of my discussions revolve around pee.
The first line is memorable, but I'm just not sure I believe it - the wackiness of it feels a bit forced to me. I can't help but feel it would be funnier if Sal tried to convince the narrator that life is easier without underwear but the narrator is having none of it. One person not wearing underwear can be funny. Two is strange.
ReplyDeleteBut still, I think there's strong writing here. There is good description and there's some good tension. I think it's a case where perhaps the author should let the narrative unfold a bit more naturally rather than going for a memorable opening.
The first line was great, but it loses its punch after reading another five sentences about underwear. I think you could cut most of these and go from the first line straight to 'Sal taught me...'
ReplyDeleteI'd keep reading though. Your character sounds like she comes from a world that is either ours or very like ours, and has been thrust into a fantasy situation, where she's running around the forest. The blood made me wince but it's about time someone tackled exactly how females cope with this issue while living rough!
I'm a bit grossed out, but to be honest, this is just good writing so I'd read on :)
ReplyDelete