TITLE: THE COLDEST SUMMER
GENRE: MYSTERY
The inside of the hamper reeked of chlorine and damp wicker. Theresa Gonzales crouched at the bottom and squeezed her knees tight against her chest. It was an extra large hamper, purchased for the hundreds of wet towels that passed through the pool house each summer. The Galbraiths didn’t air their towels out between showers, like Theresa had to at home. They were single use people.
Outside the window, the last sounds of struggle slowed, and then stopped. That was it, Theresa thought. She’s dead.
Time froze into excruciating stills. Up at the house, a trumpet squealed out a question and a trombone answered. A five-piece jazz band was what she’d heard the girlfriend wanted. A whiff of hickory smoke infiltrated the damp air of the hamper; the caterers were firing up the grill. “Six hundred dollars worth of tri-tip,” her mother had muttered. “And watch, all those white ladies will just have salad and booze.”
Someone heaved up out of the pool with a soft grunt, dripping water onto the concrete. Wet feet thwacked towards the pool house. A normal sequence she’d heard a hundred times before. The stakes for being caught spying were higher today. She was trapped as good as one of the cockroaches in the sticky boxes they left in the pantry overnight. If she breathed too loudly, or squirmed, or if her knees were bulging out the side of the hamper; that would be it. The person who’d just killed Dee would kill her too.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I liked this, especially the "stills" aspect. The only thing you might consider looking at is the over-description of the hamper in the first paragraph. Since she's hiding in it and it smells the way it does, you don't particularly need the third sentence.
ReplyDeleteHi!
ReplyDeleteI liked this. good tension and great job bringing in the sensory details. I also feel that there was a bit too much description of the hamper in the first paragraph, which slowed the pace down for me. Also, maybe you could include the actual sound of the struggle as well.
I'm going to echo the suggestion to cut down the first paragraph. I didn't sense any danger--even though she was hiding--until the second paragraph. It could have been a game of hide & seek. If you have her showing fear in the first paragraph, that would help me not be thrown off when the second one comes along.
ReplyDeleteOtherwise, I'm hooked. Nice writing and tension.
I think this is very nicely done. There is tension throughout and especially at the end. I really like the description of the jazz instruments calling and responding.
ReplyDeletedefinitely very good. I could go either way on leaving out some of the description in paragraph one. And I think adding the actual sound of the struggle would be a nice touch.
ReplyDeleteI actually like the fact that it takes until the end of the second paragraph to sense the danger. Just goes to show how individual taste can vary. But I think most of the comments here are minor - you've got a solid beginning.
Great tension and promise. I'd definitely read more.
ReplyDeleteI thought this nicely captured the feeling of hiding out, hoping you are not discovered. Nice hook.
ReplyDeleteI agree with those who mentioned cutting down the description of the hamper. Compared with what's going on it's inconsequential. That and the info about the jazz band kind of takes away from the tension of what's happening.
ReplyDeleteI liked the way you showed character with Theresa's thoughts about the towels and her mother's comment.
I'm hooked. I definitely want to know what happens next.
Hooked. Great tension, though agree, maybe a line mixing the jazz instruments with the sounds of struggle or splashing or whatever is going on with Dee and the murderer could punch it up. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI liked this. The detail was rich and the narrator brought it alive.
ReplyDeleteBut I would also agree with some of the others that it lacked tension. Yeah, someone was just murdered, but hiding in a hamper and worrying about making a sound while someone soaking wet and dripping in their own ears runs away, their own heart pounding, isn't really tension. I'm sure it ratchets up a notch or two as it continues, but I'm not hearing the fear in the character's voice.
I'd keep reading.
I echo the others...kinda got a little bogged down on the 1st paragraph, but the tension is great.
ReplyDeleteYeah, the first paragraph is the weakest. There's nothing there that says she's in danger. In my mind, she was hiding as a game or prank. The comments about the towels is what I think makes it not work. If you had just witnessed/heard a murder, is that what you'd be thinking about? Let us know she's scared in that first paragraph.
ReplyDeleteOther than that, this works really well. You've given us a nice bunch of sensory details which allow us to 'see' what is going on, even though your MC can't see anything.
I think you should lead with "Outside the window, the last sounds of struggle slowed, and then stopped. That was it, Theresa thought. She’s dead." This is a MUCH better opening.
ReplyDeleteI don't like the use of first and last name to introduce a character in their own POV. In my head, I never refer to myself as Lucy Woodhull. It reads like a break to me.
I must admit, I kept thinking if this person is inside a hamper in a pool house, she must have the best ears on the planet. To hear stuff from the house (okay, the band might be loud), and the pool footsteps and everything else? I didn't really buy it, but it seemed like it didn't bother anyone else.
The writing is nice - good luck!
Lots of the senses included here. That's awesome. Very solid writing, too.
ReplyDeleteThere are a lot of questions coming up for me and I'm not sure all of them are good. I will say that I don't read mysteries much these days, so grain of salt and all that.
Hundreds of towels? Lots of people in this family or a lot of entertaining. Sounds almost like the hamper is meant to hold those hundreds.
Second paragraph is stronger than the first, but the first grounds you in the scene. I could go either way, but I suggest tightening the first anyway.
Stills. I'm loving and hating this line. It sounds poetic, but when I think of the meaning, it's not quite there for me. I think it's me on this one.
So she's stuck in this hamper and someone was just killed nearby. There are other people there and she doesn't call out to them for help? And none of them are in danger? And none of them are going to trip over this body?
Maybe it's all part of the spying part. And maybe if I had some idea of how Dee related to Theresa, that would help.
I say again - very solid writing - mad writing skills. If I were into mysteries, I'd read on.
I'm not completely Unhooked...
ReplyDeleteDefinitely was easy to read because it draws you in. Only I was confused why she thinks the person coming out of the pool is the killer. I don't understand the second paragraph. Did she see the person in the pool kill the victim or just go by the sounds?
There were parts of this that I did enjoy, namely the tension you build and the plot itself. The idea that there's a murder where she's spying is great. It has serious consequences, too, so we know what the MC is up against.
ReplyDeleteThat said, I think there's too much time spent on unnecessary details and not enough on important plot points. For example, you tell us what her mom said about the food and go into huge detail about the hamper, yet you don't tell us she was spying who she was spying on. In fact, I thought she was hiding after seeing the murder, then you tell us she was spying in the fourth paragraph. I want to know up front that she was in that hamper, in that place, at that time, for a reason, because it makes a difference.
Plus, you hint that there's a huge party going on (the band, the food), so how is this murder going on by the pool without being noticed? Sure, the party is up at the house, but I fail to believe that if it's warm enough out to swim, they wouldn't have some guests at the pool. Plus, you say she'd be caught spying, but what was she spying on if the party was up at the house? All of that seemed off to me. Maybe you answer it in the next few pages, but I wonder if there's a way to clarify some of those issues in these first paragraphs. That might make it stronger.
I think it's an interesting starting place to have a girl hiding out in a hamper during what I believe is a murder, but I came away a bit confused about what was happening. This opening never really built a rhythm. The first paragraph didn't feel like it led to the second, which didn't lead to the third. She hears someone die and then she's thinking about what her mom said about the tri-tip? I guess I just don't believe that. It feels a bit contrived, and I wonder if perhaps the order of events might need to be adjusted.
ReplyDelete