TITLE: Santorini Sunset
GENRE: Contemporary Romance
EMOTION: Frustration
BLURB: This scene is between Caroline Clayton and her ex-fiancé, Albert. Albert has just left his new fiancée, Caroline’s sister, Gabi, at the altar. Caroline is talking to Albert, who is already three scotches to the wind, trying to get him to return to the wedding chapel.
“Albert?”
“Caroline. Oh Caroline. You’re so beautiful.”
I took the glass and bottle from him. “We need to talk.”
“Yes, we do!” He sat up in the chair and reached for my hand. “I love you, Caroline. I can’t believe I dumped you for Gabi. You’re so much more woman than her.”
“Yes, I know. You’ve pointed that out on several occasions.” I snorted. I don’t think he was referring to my girth, but you never know with him.
“I was a fool. Led on by the promise of thin thighs. And I was vain enough to be flattered by the attention of someone as beautiful as Gabi. Now I know what they mean about surface and inner beauty. You’re the true beauty, Caroline.”
“For God’s sake, Albert. Listen to yourself. You can’t even give me a compliment. What makes you think you love me?”
“I just gave you a huge compliment.” He looked at me confused.
“Telling me that I have inner beauty, is not a compliment. Trust me! That’s almost as bad as saying that I have ‘such a pretty face.’”
“But you do.”
“G*****n it, Albert, stop before I deck you.” My tone startled him. “You’re about superficial, outer beauty and care about what people think. You need a trophy wife to make yourself feel good. You have the depth of a Florida snow.” He looked at me dumbfounded by my analogy. “Snow in Florida. Not very deep. Melts quickly. Give me a break, I’m working under pressure here.”
Miss Snark's First Victim
Too Dramatic on Albert's part. Yes, he's three scotches to the wind, but, seriously . . .
ReplyDeleteAlbert doesn't come across as real. Caroline does. From the brief bit of dialogue I can relate to her and get a sense of who she is as a person. Albert . . . well, not so much.
I'm going to have to agree with Scott. Albert sounds a bit too dramatic. He also sounds a bit too eloquent to be drunk off his @ss.
ReplyDeleteCaroline sounds genuine, though.
Oh, excellent.
ReplyDeleteI liked this very much. The frustration was apparent as well as a certain subtle humor. The beat was right on the mark making it easy to understand the speaker. I think you did a good job. High Five.
I loved it! It was like I could hear the tone of her snide comments. He seemed drunk, so I thought it worked for him, too. You did a great job of not writing "he said, she said, she asked, he replied". I didn't get bogged down in extra wording. The last paragraph is a bit long. I usually like to start a new line after the last line of dialogue, even if it's just to describe the other person's reaction to what was just said. To me, dialogue reads better when it's not lumped with the narrative, but that's a personal style. Good work!
ReplyDeleteI agree that Albert seemed a little too polished to be drunk, but other than that I thought this was well done. You were going for frustration and that came through to me.
ReplyDeleteI love the snow in Florida line. Albert might be a little over the top, but if it's consistent with his character, that's fine. I pictured him as a dapper English fellow...is that how he's supposed to be?
ReplyDeleteOmit the comma after inner beauty.
And the line about superficial, outer beauty didn't make sense. Read it out loud a few times and see if it makes sense to you.
Great job! You've accomplished your aim: I felt frustrated for her too.
I can clearly sense Caroline's frustration, so fantastic job with that, but Albert's speech is too sharp for someone who is drunk. What he actually says seems a bit dramatic, but I believe that it's appropriate in this situation (his speaking nonsense and, in turn, garnering Caroline's frustration).
ReplyDeleteI agree that Albert sounds like a pretty lucid drunk. Then again, some people are. Caroline's frustration is almost palpable.
ReplyDeleteThe last paragraph made me laugh. I think I like Caroline.
ReplyDeleteI liked Albert's dialogue. It is a bit dramatic, but people have a tendency to be overly dramatic when they've had a few drinks.
ReplyDeleteMy problem was with Caroline. The dialogue does show her frustration. It comes across clearly. But if Albert is who she says he is, I wonder why she'd try to get him to marry her sister (unless she doesn't like her sister) Not part of the assignment, I know, but that's what it made me think.