TITLE: Virgin Unknown
GENRE: Historical Fantasy
To be a priestess, the walk had to be flawless -- the smooth heel-to-toe motion beneath the woolen robe that would soon be spattered with blood. Iphi had practiced this walk for two years, knew it was perfect, knew the ceremonial dagger at her waist was not bouncing from the motion. Sheathed at my navel, the center of life. Her slippered feet continued their smooth whisper on the stone floor of the temple, taking her through the darkness to the sunlight that shone through the linteled doorway, where the victims waited outside.
At the doorway itself she paused, heavy stonework on either side, the scents of life and fresh air greeting her. She had no need to blink -- though the veil that hung in front of her eyes was thin and gauze-like, its deep-set purple shielded those same eyes from the sudden change in lighting. Iphi made the pause purposeful, foreboding. The whiteness of her face would sharply contrast against the darkness of her eyes, dimly glimpsed through the veil. Arms outstretched, she stood ready to receive the sacrifices lying on the altar before her. If any worshiper had been standing directly in front of her, that supplicant would have seen her framed by darkness. And further on, in the interior of the temple, hints of the image of Artemis herself showed -- a pale statue in the same posture, lit by hungry flames.
Miss Snark's First Victim
I'm not big on historical novels, but I really liked this opener. The word "victims" caught my attention at the end of the first paragraph because I always read MC's fighting for their lives/being the victim, so this was a nice change that I would read more.
ReplyDeleteThe description flowed well, for me anyway, without being too much. the onlye thing that felt out of place was "gauze-like."
Anyway, I'd definitely read more. Great job!
Oh, Artemis! I'd love to read a book about Artemis. For me, this is a good start, it opens a lot of questions that I'd definitely read on to get answered. You also have good imagery here.
ReplyDeleteMy suggestion would be to make the writing more active rather than passive. "The whiteness of her face would sharply contrast against the darkness of her eyes" becomes "The whiteness of her face sharply contrasted against the darkness of her eyes."
There are a few places in there where if you just rephrased it in a less passive way, would bolster up the scene and make it a real power house.
Keep going...this is a great opener!
First off, my recommendation is white space. A lot of this could be split apart, and made into a very interesting and a quick read. As it stands right now, it feels like it drags on a bit.
ReplyDeleteI did like the second paragraph better than the first. It does feel disconnected from the character though, all setting the scene, no emotional.
The thought process in the middle of the first paragraph felt out of place.
I'd be interested in reading the first thousand words just to see where it goes, but as it stands, I'm left wanting.
I found this intriguing. I must say, though, that I found your opening sentence a bit forced, like you were trying to shock me with the mention of the blood, when that had nothing to do with her walk being flawless. I think you can ease us into that and it will have more impact coming later, maybe after the mention of the knife.
ReplyDeleteI really liked how you stayed in close third, while still giving us a picture of what she looked like. That was very well done.
This has a nice tone, but I felt like it was a bit flowery. I can see that you are trying to paint a picture, but I think the action is getting lost in all the fluff. I would try to cut out some of the scenery and give us a little more about what is actually happening here. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteLots and lots of adjectives (woolen robe, ceremonial dagger, slippered feet, smooth whisper, stone floor, linteled doorway) and that was just the first paragraph. You are setting a mood, but you need to find a less distracting way to do it. Not my genre, so I'm not sure I'd continue. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteI actually liked the first sentence/paragraph.
ReplyDeleteIn my opinion, the second paragraph should be broken up and possibly shortened to be more direct and to the point. (As others have said, active voice and cut out some adjectives.)
Overall, I'd continue reading to find out more!
I found the beginning to be a little dragging, and would suggest cutting and tightening up a little (particularly the adjectives) in order to get faster to the word 'victims' and the last sentence.
ReplyDeleteNow, that one is intriguing. I assume the MC is not just a priestess but a warrior. Realizing that right from the beginning would make me want to read more.
I love Greek mythology, so the part about Artemis caught my eye. But I would agree with PPs...it seems like there should be more white space. With two hulking paragraphs, it made it all a little overwhelming.
ReplyDeleteI liked this a lot. I think you establish the mood very well, and I do like the descriptions. I'd definitely read on.
ReplyDeleteHas this been featured in a SA before? Now that I think about it, it seems familiar...
ReplyDeleteI like the atmosphere and the tension you established. I really liked that she practiced the walk - it made me think 'assassin'. I also like how she mirrors the image of Artemis. I would for sure read on.
ReplyDeleteThis was interesting and I liked Iphi and the confidence she portrays, but I also felt it was overdone. As someone else said, too many adjectives. They clutter it up and slow it down. Perhaps cut some of them. You could also tighten up the writing.
ReplyDeleteExamples - At the doorway itself - why itself?
The whole blinking thing seemed superfluous. Write what is essential and let the rest go.
I'd give it a few more pages because I like your idea and the premise, but the overwriting could drive me away.
I love this! I would read more (and I actually liked the setup and description - but I'm a fan of adjectives). :) I was able to picture everything in detail and that helps me to get lost in a story. Good job! :)
ReplyDeleteWhen we get into she knew this and she knew that, I tend to disconnect for a character. R I think you missed an opportunity for conflict and to show us more about the character's personality.
ReplyDeleteThere are other places where the text gets confusing? "The whiteness of her face would sharply contrast against the darkness of her eyes, dimly glimpsed through the veil." This is future tense. I have two problems. I don't know the future situation to which this refers and I cannot connect it to anything in the paragraph it was placed.
It mostly works really well, except the POV shifted back and forth in the second paragraph from Iphi to omniscient. It's her POV when she has no need to blink, but then how would she know the veil would shade her eyes from the sudden change of light unless she practiced before-hand in a mirror with different types of lighting? Also the contrast of the veil, the way her arms would appear to others outstretched--all this is omniscient. I don't have a voice to latch onto so it's a bit confusing, but I like the plot, pacing and setting. I'd read more and hope the POV gets sorted out.
ReplyDeleteThis is written well, and I'm definitely intrigued, but if I could offer any advice: it's a little wordy. It gets hard to follow at one point. I understand that historicals always have a richness in the narrative that wouldn't necessarily be there for a contemporary work, but still, if it can be said in a more concise way, do so.
ReplyDeleteBut I would still read on at this point.
Too wordy for me and as such it loses it vividness for me.
ReplyDelete"... that would soon be spattered with blood" so early in the opening had me wondering where the blood would come from hers--someone else? Took me out of the story.